So Your Sister's a Unicorn

John Shore gave poly-friendly response to a letter he got. One of the places you can find it is  huffingtonpost.com. Click through his links to his other writings. They are worth a read, especially if you identify as Christian or otherwise deal with people who are anti-equality who do identify as Christian. As I've said before, you can find allies (and people who want equality but are denied) in just about every religion, in Atheist circles... everywhere. And, unfortunately, you can find prejudice just about everywhere, too, although obviously Atheists will not invoke some religion-based dictate in opposition to equality.

From the concerned letter-writer...

Here's the situation: My sister has come to me and told me that she has decided to be in a three-person relationship. My husband and I met the guy in the relationship last week (at the time she just told us he was her boyfriend). But now she has told us the truth, and is asking us to meet the woman this week. We are supposed to keep this a secret from our parents.

I don't want to meet her. My husband doesn't want to meet her. I don't think this is right for my sister, and I want to find a way to tell her.

It isn't up for us to decide what is right for other adults in their personal relationships. As long as someone isn't being abused, trying to intervene is pointless.

The back-story on this is that my sister has just come out of an awful divorce. She got married too young (she was 21, and had never lived as an adult on her own). Since her divorce, she has not taken any time to be alone. She has searched out sexual experiences of all spectrums. So although this is different -- it seems to be a loving committed relationship -- to me it just feels like an extension of her sexual freedom spree.

Hmm. If it is a "loving committed relationship" then what's the problem? Even if this is an extension of her "sexual freedom spree," what would be wrong with that? Shouldn't every adult be free to be with other adults? But this could be something she has thought about a lot, and it could be what she wants for the rest of her life. Pertaining to her not having had any time to be alone... I enjoyed having time to be alone. I would recommend it to just about everyone. But for so much of human history, many people have done just fine without having had any time alone. For most of US history, most women (and almost as many men) never lived alone. They lived in the family home or relatives until they married, which was often early compared to today. If not living at home, they had a literal roommate.

I hate the way that I feel about this. I feel like I am spewing out the very same sort of hate and bigotry that I condemn. Yet on the same time I feel on a gut level that this is wrong. Mostly just wrong for her, but also wrong. And I can't sort out my feelings; I can't tell if they're a remnant from my upbringing, or if it's my conscience telling me to take responsibility for my kid sister (which I can't, of course; she's an adult).

The good thing is that she's seeking to do what's fair. Unfortunately, the "monogamy is the only way" error has been so thoroughly drilled into her, like so many of us.

From Shore's response...

The first thing I'd recommend is to read this interview, which I did with a woman in a polyamorous (meaning more than two people) relationship: 1 Man, 2 Women in a Polyamorous Relationship. I can't imagine you not finding it helpful.

Like I said, follow the links.

I don't understand why you and your husband are so against meeting the other woman. What do you have to lose? Meeting her means having a lot more information about what your sister's getting involved in. How could that be bad? At any rate, by refusing to meet her you pretty much forfeit your right to have an opinion about your sister's relationship with her. You wouldn't care what someone who's never met him thinks about your husband -- much less your relationship to him -- would you?

Yes!

Here's the thing: Your sister is either going through a phase that will pass, or she's really in love with these two people, and they really love her, and the three of them are going to live happily ever after. Either way, your job remains the same: to love and support your sister.

There are other possibilities. Even if this relationship doesn't last, her sister might continue to live as a polyamorous woman.

Bottom line: You can, and should, share with your sister your concerns, thoughts, fears, prejudices -- all of it. You get to talk about you. But you don't get to talk about her: you don't get to tell her who she is, or who she should be. You can share with her, for instance, that you genuinely can't understand how a person can love two people in the way that most people love one. But you can't say that no one can love two people in the way most people love one. The former is about you, which is fine. The latter is about her and everyone else, which is beyond your rightful purview.

Yes!

Want to have a good relationship with your parent, sibling, or child? BE THERE for them when they come out or have a person or people they want you to meet."item"'>John Shore gave poly-friendly response to a letter he got. One of the places you can find it is  huffingtonpost.com. Click through his links to his other writings. They are worth a read, especially if you identify as Christian or otherwise deal with people who are anti-equality who do identify as Christian. As I've said before, you can find allies (and people who want equality but are denied) in just about every religion, in Atheist circles... everywhere. And, unfortunately, you can find prejudice just about everywhere, too, although obviously Atheists will not invoke some religion-based dictate in opposition to equality.

From the concerned letter-writer...

Here's the situation: My sister has come to me and told me that she has decided to be in a three-person relationship. My husband and I met the guy in the relationship last week (at the time she just told us he was her boyfriend). But now she has told us the truth, and is asking us to meet the woman this week. We are supposed to keep this a secret from our parents.

I don't want to meet her. My husband doesn't want to meet her. I don't think this is right for my sister, and I want to find a way to tell her.

It isn't up for us to decide what is right for other adults in their personal relationships. As long as someone isn't being abused, trying to intervene is pointless.

The back-story on this is that my sister has just come out of an awful divorce. She got married too young (she was 21, and had never lived as an adult on her own). Since her divorce, she has not taken any time to be alone. She has searched out sexual experiences of all spectrums. So although this is different -- it seems to be a loving committed relationship -- to me it just feels like an extension of her sexual freedom spree.

Hmm. If it is a "loving committed relationship" then what's the problem? Even if this is an extension of her "sexual freedom spree," what would be wrong with that? Shouldn't every adult be free to be with other adults? But this could be something she has thought about a lot, and it could be what she wants for the rest of her life. Pertaining to her not having had any time to be alone... I enjoyed having time to be alone. I would recommend it to just about everyone. But for so much of human history, many people have done just fine without having had any time alone. For most of US history, most women (and almost as many men) never lived alone. They lived in the family home or relatives until they married, which was often early compared to today. If not living at home, they had a literal roommate.

I hate the way that I feel about this. I feel like I am spewing out the very same sort of hate and bigotry that I condemn. Yet on the same time I feel on a gut level that this is wrong. Mostly just wrong for her, but also wrong. And I can't sort out my feelings; I can't tell if they're a remnant from my upbringing, or if it's my conscience telling me to take responsibility for my kid sister (which I can't, of course; she's an adult).

The good thing is that she's seeking to do what's fair. Unfortunately, the "monogamy is the only way" error has been so thoroughly drilled into her, like so many of us.

From Shore's response...

The first thing I'd recommend is to read this interview, which I did with a woman in a polyamorous (meaning more than two people) relationship: 1 Man, 2 Women in a Polyamorous Relationship. I can't imagine you not finding it helpful.

Like I said, follow the links.

I don't understand why you and your husband are so against meeting the other woman. What do you have to lose? Meeting her means having a lot more information about what your sister's getting involved in. How could that be bad? At any rate, by refusing to meet her you pretty much forfeit your right to have an opinion about your sister's relationship with her. You wouldn't care what someone who's never met him thinks about your husband -- much less your relationship to him -- would you?

Yes!

Here's the thing: Your sister is either going through a phase that will pass, or she's really in love with these two people, and they really love her, and the three of them are going to live happily ever after. Either way, your job remains the same: to love and support your sister.

There are other possibilities. Even if this relationship doesn't last, her sister might continue to live as a polyamorous woman.

Bottom line: You can, and should, share with your sister your concerns, thoughts, fears, prejudices -- all of it. You get to talk about you. But you don't get to talk about her: you don't get to tell her who she is, or who she should be. You can share with her, for instance, that you genuinely can't understand how a person can love two people in the way that most people love one. But you can't say that no one can love two people in the way most people love one. The former is about you, which is fine. The latter is about her and everyone else, which is beyond your rightful purview.

Yes!

Want to have a good relationship with your parent, sibling, or child? BE THERE for them when they come out or have a person or people they want you to meet.

Posted in: allies,bisexual,boundaries,coming out,family reaction,LGBT,love,polyamory,prejudice,same-sex,triads