The Changing Map For the Freedom to Marry

If you've been unable to keep up with the all of the news of the building momentum for nationwide full marriage equality in the US, Jonathan Capehart at washingtonpost.com has posted a useful graphic of the status of the limited monogamous same-gender freedom to marry in the various states.

During an appearance on “Now with Alex Wagner” on Friday, I had to sneak a peek at the cheat sheet I made for our discussion about the same-sex marriage victory in a Virginia federal court. Ever since the Supreme Court struck down the so-called Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA),  the lower federal courts have been busy hearing challenges to state statutes and constitutional amendments prohibiting same-sex marriage.

He draws the obvious parallel to where bans on interracial marriage were when the Supreme Court struck them down. The graphic is larger at the link.

There is no good reason to deny that we must keep evolving until an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

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Posted in: courts,freedom to marry,law,LGBT,same-sex

Out In Africa

Thabo Seroke has an important commentary printed at thoughtleader.co.za about human rights and civil rights in some African countries.

A couple of months ago, Uganda asked a question that could usher in the systematic hate aimed at a group of people. The question was simple: Who is going to inspire the senseless murder of gender-variant people in Africa?

This was not a view that needed to be vocalised by Ugandans, but many nations responded. Nigeria is the latest. The Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act, which provides penalties of up to 14 years imprisonment for gay marriage and a maximum of 10 years for membership or encouragement of gay clubs, societies and LGBTI organisations, was last week signed into law by Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan.

Since then, nearly 40 people have been arrested and many more threatened with violence.

Frightening stuff.

History provides many examples of same-sex practices such as the “boy-wives” of the Azande in contemporary Sudan and Congo, the gender-crossing queers of the Hausa Bori culture in … wait for it … modern-day Nigeria! Lesbian relations were also prominent among co-wives in polygamous marriages in 19th century Southern Sudan — the same polygamous practice frowned upon by the western world — which leads me to an unsurprising fact. Colonialism imposed this prejudice and other divisive ideals on a number of non-western societies.

Same-gender sexuality and relationships, as well as polyamorous relationships, are nothing new.

The issue in countries such as Uganda, Malawi and Nigeria isn’t a “gay issue”, it’s a human-rights issue.

Precisely!

We must stand up for the rights of ALL.

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Posted in: Africa,lack of equality harms,LGBT,Malawi,polygamy,polygyny,same-sex,Uganda

A Pansexual Woman Denied Her Rights

By my count, this is the twenty-seventh ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are denied their fundamental right to marry. This one is with a beautiful Anonymous Woman who is polyamorous and consanguinamorous.

Read the interview below and ask yourself if there is one good reason her right to love the adults she does should be denied. There is some mildly graphic description of sexual activity.


*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Anonymous Woman: I work in the film and television inudstry. I have a degree in Cinematic Arts. I currently homeschool a few children that aren't mine. I would say I'm from a middle to upper class background. My dad is from Europe and my mom is from Central America. My brother is my only sibling. I'm 37, and fairly pansexual, meaning I don't really care what gender someone is. I am tall and fit.



FME: Are you married or have you ever been married?

I have never been married and have no children. I want to have kids.


FME: You currently live with…?

Currently, I live in my parents' house. I do not live with my parents because they decided to move to another city, but wanted to keep the house in the family not sell it.


FME: How would you describe your relationship orientation?

Right now, what I have is a relationship with three people, a trans male-to-female girlfriend, my brother, and my sister in law. We have all been together a couple of times and they have all been with each other. It is difficult to call it an actual polyamory relationship because except for my brother and sister-in-law we don't live in the same cities. I am not saying I want or expect this to be the relationship I have forever. I do think given my pansexual orientation and need for affection that a polyamorous relationship of some type would be best. I am really pansexual. I like both genders and I like male-to-female transsexuals.


FME: What kind of relationship did you and your brother have while growing up?

My brother and I never had sex while growing up. I did spy on his liaisons with girlfriends a little bit. But not until the last couple of years did we have a sexual relationship. We apparently both had these feelings about each other but never acted on them. Who initiated the triad was his wife, however, not him and not me.

FME: How did that happen?

It basically started one night when they were over at my old apartment because they were in town and needed some alone time, and my parents' house was crowded. I was spying on them having sex and I was naked and they caught me masturbating to them. We were somewhat embarrassed and apologized and laughed and everything being awkward, and then rather suddenly my sister in law drops to her knees and begins to perform oral sex on me. That is how it all started.

The way that sort of worked was that my brother first got involved with us just watching. But after a while we just started playing with each other as part of the process, and one thing lead to another and we were f---ing each other that same night.

I always was attracted to my brother, and frequently said if he wasn't married and wasn't my brother I'd probably want to be his girlfriend. But I had never really thought about acting on it.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Are you siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend? What about the sex?

It is complicated. I don't know how to describe it. It is some of the best sex I ever had. It can be kinky but it's not always kinky. Except for that little detail about me having sex with my brother, it would probably be a lot less kinky. We don't have sex all the time. Maybe only 5 or 6 of these situations a year and usually not all four or us at the same time. I know that people will assume we're meeting every weekend and doing absolutely bizarre things but it's not like that. We see each other and interact more as family than as any other role. Even with my girfriend it has become less unbridled sex and more planning to have a family.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature/history of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted?

The polyamorous relationship is known about by some friends but is a complete secret to my parents. Their oldest daughter picked up that there is an occasional sexual relationship between me and her mother. The other kids do not now anything. The whole family understands I am bisexual. My parents are Catholic, and while they probably would rather see me meet a guy, they accepted that part of me. I used to be a drug addict do all kinds of illegal [stuff]. They managed to get me into recovery, and have been supportive of anything which is a legitimate lifestyle. They dread me falling back to being an addict more than any sexual orientation, and as long as I'm not selling myself they are okay with it. However, I do not think they would ever accept my brother and I as lovers.

FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?

Here is a big advantage: several of us get to have several needs of ours satisified, including my girlfriend who, frankly, has a problem dealing with men but nonetheless has some attraction to them. We're all somewhat bisexual. We all love each other. It is safe... no diseases, no risks of violence, nothing like you would risk dating people you really don't know.


FME: Is this a closed group?

We are not closed, we are open to finding other people and are actually trying to do it, especially my girlfriend and I.

FME: Any plans for the future?

I made a decision for biological clock reasons to try to have a baby. My girfriend has offered to be the legal second parent for the kid and to use my brother as the sperm donor. There is the downside of slightly higher chances for birth defects but there is also a risk in that of waiting until my 40's or whenever I found a boyfriend. We're going to have a legal agreement drawn up stating that we are doing this so we cannot be charged with incest. There's laws against us f---ing each other but none against using a sibling for a sperm donor. An advantage of this is, we know where the DNA is coming from, in case a medical condition develops. And as well, when the question comes about as to how I had a baby artificially, we thought that having the "true parent" being her uncle than a total stranger would go over better.


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship?

Well, we're all well into adulthood and we all love each other. It is safe, and it is an extension of our love for one another. This is something that developed in adulthood. We're all over 35. It meets needs we have as bisexual people better than going out and trying to swing.


FME: What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t truly consent?)

What can't we consent to? I'm not being blackmailed or extorted. I'm not being raped. I can say no. In fact, shortly after this first happened I DID say no. But I decided I didn't want to say no anymore.


FME: Aside from the law, which I think is ridiculous, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

Yeah, if there was force or compulsion of any kind used in it.


FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? Or is this a different kind of relationship than that?

That's complicated. Firstly, I'm a political libertarian and don't believe the state should be involved in marriage. Then if we did do that we'd have to consider my parents and my brother's kids. We aren't anywhere near that kind of a decision though even if it were possible.


FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?

Just don't try and shame people and make them feel guilty.


*****


There you have it. Consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, but who have to hide their love.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is in or may be in such a relationship, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous Woman for doing this interview!

Read more »

Posted in: bisexual,brother-sister,consanguineous,family reaction,LGBT,love,open,PCM,polyamory,pregnancy,same-sex,siblings,triads

Why Polyamory Will Gain Acceptance Faster

It’s not going to take as long for polyamorists to get our freedoms, including the freedom to marry, as it is taking (monogamist) gays and lesbians.

First, I need to have a bit of clarification here. Polyamory has always been around with some public awareness, whatever forms it has taken or whichever labels have been applied, especially if we go with the broad term ethical nonmonogamy instead.

What I mean is that in the US, as well as many other countries, there was a sustained period of trying to force everyone, or at least everyone but the elite, into heterosexual, gender-roled, married monogamy with spouses that were “acceptable” by class, race, religion, etc. Those deemed not suitable for marriage were often kept out of public life in general. For example, people with certain disabilities were expected to stay home or be institutionalized so as to not cause discomfort to people who would be uneasy around them. That oppression is in the process of being dismantled. We are ending the prosecutions, the persecutions, the stigmatizing, and everything else that makes it so people go into hiding (or hiding an important part of who they are) because of who they are and who they love.

Polyamorists haven't had a "Stonewall" moment. Many people cite the Stonewall Riots of 1969 as the start of gay and lesbian people fighting back against such persecution. It has been 44 years and same-gender couples are still barred from legally marrying in most US states and LGBT people still need employment protections (ENDA). But the momentum is rapidly building, especially with the recent Supreme Court actions on DOMA and PropH8 and the death of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” for military service, and all of the public figures who are coming out in support of the same-gender freedom to marry. There have been so many advancements since 1969.

Note that earlier in the 1960s, the US adopted laws to protect racial minorities nationwide, and the Loving v. Virginia case struck down bans on the interracial freedom to marry, over a hundred years after the Emancipation Proclamation. Women got the vote nationwide in 1920 and have made much progress, but are still on the journey.

So will polyamorists have to wait a couple of generations?

Happily, the answer is no. Here why:



1) Momentum. Note that gay civil rights have made progress much faster than feminist and racial civil rights. Likewise, rights for nonmonogamists and people who don’t want to marry at all will not take as long as gay rights. Momentum is building, and polyamorists should be exceedingly appreciative of the work done by the racial, feminist, gay, and lesbian civil rights champions.

2) Smaller opposition. Opposition to polyamory and the polygamous freedom to marry comes almost entirely from specific segments of religious conservatives, more and more of whom are warming up to the fact that civil marriages are not a threat to their churches and that it is destructive and wasteful to concentrate on trying to control adult relationships, especially when it comes to people who are not members of their church. There are some who oppose the polygamous freedom to marry out of concern for tax/benefit issues, but those concerns can be addressed without denying any adults the freedom to marry.

3) Less motivated opposition. Most of the above considered “line in the sand” to be the same-gender freedom to marry and are already resigned to polygamous freedom to marry upon national establishment of the same-gender freedom to marry. While some monogamist LGBT people bristle at the connection, what matters is that a connection exists in the mind of those who oppose the freedoms and they do not want to continue fighting one freedom if the other is established. Those who identify as LGBT monogamists have much more in common with those who identify as heterosexual monogamists than some heteros realize, but in the prejudiced mind, monogamist LGBT people and polyamorists are in the same big “other” category.

4) More existing understanding. Some strictly heterosexual people are disgusted by the thought of gay sex and much of the now-diminishing opposition from heterosexuals to the same-gender freedom to marry came from that. Or, if not disgusted, they (especially males) simply couldn’t understand how someone might find someone of the same gender sexually or romantically attractive. But almost everyone can understand (or has personally experienced) being romantically or sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time. They’ve had the feelings themselves; this is one reason they bring up polyamory when discussing the freedom to marry. While someone may not personally want to pursue polyamory, they are more likely to avoid opposing those who do. Also, for religious conservatives, there is a heritage of polyamory in their traditions and clear scriptural prohibitions are lacking in most traditions’ scriptures.

5) Strict monogamy is rare. Most people are mostly or strictly heterosexual in how they see themselves and live, even if they’ve had some experiences with someone of the same gender. Very few people are truly and strictly monogamists sexually, emotionally, romantically over the course of a lifetime. Extending rights to polyamorous people, including the polygamous freedom to marry, deals with a reality that everyone has experienced. For example, if someone has children with more than one person, and they are all agreeable to a marriage structure involving three or more people, why deny them that? Relationships, including marriage, usually involve more than one bond (erotic, romantic, friendship, cohabitational, parental, legal, financial, professional, shared interests) between the people involved, and sometimes one of those bonds may diminish or end with one person and begin or increase with another, but there is no reason to end the earlier relationship; there could be good reasons nobody wants to end the relationship. For example, a woman might share sex, residence, children, and a business with one man, and sex, romance, friendship, and a love of theatre with another.

6) Political compatibility. Progressives, libertarians, and conservatives can all find much to like in polyamory, which is why you can find polyamorists in just about all areas of the political map. Polyamorists who are progressives see cooperative and efficient living in polyamory. Libertarians (who generally oppose government restriction on adult behavior that doesn’t violate another’s property or person) and conservative polyamorists like the idea of people relying on each other rather than a government program.

7) Increased compassion. More and more people now recognize that letting consenting adults have their relationships and love each other as they want is the right thing to do, and opposing relationships between consenting adults is not only mean-spirited, but a waste.

8) Experience. While many LGBT people are monogamists, some socially/politically active LGBT people are polyamorists or poly-friendly, and they are already motivated and working towards full marriage equality, and experienced in advancing these civil rights.

While some people fighting for LGBT rights or the same-gender freedom to marry only care about LGBT rights and monogamy, or even reject association with or comparison to polyamorists (including LGBT polyamorists) others have shown solidarity. Polyamorists owe a great deal of thanks to those in the racial, feminist, gay and lesbian civil rights movements for opening minds and establishing rights for adults, as well as continuing solidarity in the fight for those rights. Polyamorists will get their rights faster not because the movement is stronger than the LGBT rights movement, but rather exactly because the LGBT rights movement has been so strong.

Relationship rights and full marriage equality for all adults is going to happen. We’re trying to make it happen sooner rather than later.

Read more »

Posted in: allies,boundaries,coming out,freedom to marry,LGBT,marriage equality,polyamory,prejudice,same-sex,solidarity,USA

Gay Marriage and Incest in the US

Gay marriage (or same-sex marriage, or most accurately same-gender marriage) and incest (consensual, not talking about rape or molestation) are usually two different things.

In the US, the bigotry against marriage equality currently extends to preventing first cousins from marrying in a little over half of the states. As of this updated writing, bigotry still prevents any same-gender couples from marrying in all but eighteen states and Washington, D.C. There are currently fourteen states (including Maine, Minnesota, Illinois, and Utah which have very limiting restrictions) and D.C. that allow first cousins to marry and also has the same-gender freedom to marry. If you consider cousin marriage incestuous, then those are the only places where gay marriage and incestuous marriage have an overlap, as same-gender first cousins can marry.

There are some states that do not criminalize consensual incest between closer relatives than cousins, but they will not marry those lovers. Most US states still have laws against consensual incest (consanguinamory), and in most of them, people do continue to be prosecuted for simply loving each other.

Laws against gay sex have been struck down by the Supreme Court. So, gay sex is legal nationwide, consanguinamory isn’t.

Mixed-gender consanguinamory (such as brother-sister sex) involves sex between consenting adults of who are closely related.*

Gay marriage is a commitment between consenting adults of the same gender.

Those are usually not the same things.

What they do have in common: 1. They are between consenting adults. 2. They don’t hurt anybody. 3. Both have been subject to discrimination and being banned by the sex-negative busybodies who like to interfere in the love lives of others. 4. There is no rational reason, consistently applied to other relationships, as to why either of these are banned where they are banned.  5. Gays and lesbians do not choose their orientation and people do not choose the parents to whom they are born.

Otherwise, they are two entirely different freedoms to marry. I support both freedoms to marry, and others, because I support relationship rights for all and full marriage equality.

An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY and ALL consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination. Don't like it? Then don't do it. (That’s a good, easy response to bigots that doesn't throw anyone under the bus.)

Different people have different likes and dislikes, different biases and prejudices than others. Some LGBT people are in consanguinamorous relationships. Other LGBT people are supportive, some neutral, and some disgusted by the idea. Just like everyone else. But nobody's disgust should interfere in another's life.

Consenting adults may do things with each other that might disgust a majority of other consenting adults, but that disgust of others should not prevent the consenting adults from having their sex or love lives. Each of us should stand up for the relationship rights of all consenting adults. Gay sex may disgust someone. Heterosexual sex may disgust another. BDSM may disgust someone else. Interracial sex may disgust someone else. Polyamory may disgust one person. Consanguinamory may disgust another. So what? The disgusted person doesn’t have to do it, but should recognize that other adults should be free to have orientations, feelings, and relationships they may not understand, and free to express their sexual desires with, and affections for, other consenting adults in the ways they want.


I was originally inspired to write this by the comments by Nick Cassavetes and the reactions to it.

*Some places include adoptive or step relations under the criminalization of incest, even though there is no biological relation between the participants.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,consanguineous,FAQ,freedom to marry,incest,law,LGBT,marriage equality,myths,prejudice,same-sex,solidarity,USA

Gay Marriage and Incest in the US

Gay marriage (or same-sex marriage, or most accurately same-gender marriage) and incest (consensual, not talking about rape or molestation) are usually two different things.

In the US, the bigotry against marriage equality currently extends to preventing first cousins from marrying in a little over half of the states. As of this updated writing, bigotry still prevents any same-gender couples from marrying in all but eighteen states and Washington, D.C. There are currently fourteen states (including Maine, Minnesota, Illinois, and Utah which have very limiting restrictions) and D.C. that allow first cousins to marry and also has the same-gender freedom to marry. If you consider cousin marriage incestuous, then those are the only places where gay marriage and incestuous marriage have an overlap, as same-gender first cousins can marry.

There are some states that do not criminalize consensual incest between closer relatives than cousins, but they will not marry those lovers. Most US states still have laws against consensual incest (consanguinamory), and in most of them, people do continue to be prosecuted for simply loving each other.

Laws against gay sex have been struck down by the Supreme Court. So, gay sex is legal nationwide, consanguinamory isn’t.

Mixed-gender consanguinamory (such as brother-sister sex) involves sex between consenting adults of who are closely related.*

Gay marriage is a commitment between consenting adults of the same gender.

Those are usually not the same things.

What they do have in common: 1. They are between consenting adults. 2. They don’t hurt anybody. 3. Both have been subject to discrimination and being banned by the sex-negative busybodies who like to interfere in the love lives of others. 4. There is no rational reason, consistently applied to other relationships, as to why either of these are banned where they are banned.  5. Gays and lesbians do not choose their orientation and people do not choose the parents to whom they are born.

Otherwise, they are two entirely different freedoms to marry. I support both freedoms to marry, and others, because I support relationship rights for all and full marriage equality.

An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY and ALL consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination. Don't like it? Then don't do it. (That’s a good, easy response to bigots that doesn't throw anyone under the bus.)

Different people have different likes and dislikes, different biases and prejudices than others. Some LGBT people are in consanguinamorous relationships. Other LGBT people are supportive, some neutral, and some disgusted by the idea. Just like everyone else. But nobody's disgust should interfere in another's life.

Consenting adults may do things with each other that might disgust a majority of other consenting adults, but that disgust of others should not prevent the consenting adults from having their sex or love lives. Each of us should stand up for the relationship rights of all consenting adults. Gay sex may disgust someone. Heterosexual sex may disgust another. BDSM may disgust someone else. Interracial sex may disgust someone else. Polyamory may disgust one person. Consanguinamory may disgust another. So what? The disgusted person doesn’t have to do it, but should recognize that other adults should be free to have orientations, feelings, and relationships they may not understand, and free to express their sexual desires with, and affections for, other consenting adults in the ways they want.


I was originally inspired to write this by the comments by Nick Cassavetes and the reactions to it.

*Some places include adoptive or step relations under the criminalization of incest, even though there is no biological relation between the participants.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,consanguineous,FAQ,freedom to marry,incest,law,LGBT,marriage equality,myths,prejudice,same-sex,solidarity,USA

Massachusetts Still Doesn't Have Full Marriage Equality

Massachusetts led the way in the US in moving towards full marriage equality, but still isn't there yet. Here's an example of a same-gender wedding in the state to start a marriage that is still denied legal recognition, because it is polyamorous. Kitten, Brynn, and Doll shared their special day with offbeatbride.com, where you can go to see beautiful pictures and and a video, and learn the details about what was involved in the wedding.


KevCool Photography captured these images.

The Offbeat Bride: Kitten, Fashion Manager
Her offbeat partners: Brynn, Computer Programer; Doll, Fashion Designer
Date and location of wedding: Codman Estate Lincoln, MA — August 4, 2013
Our offbeat wedding at a glance: Our wedding had to include meaning for all three of us brides in our polyamorous wedding.

Our entrance music was Emilie Autumn's "On a Day," and our officiants read the following:

I'd like to welcome you to a most unusual wedding. In our society today, no wedding is really "normal." Our polyglot nation has blended together so many ideas of what it means to be married, and how one goes about doing it, that there is truly no one true way to structure a marriage ceremony. But even by modern standards, where blended families are the new norm, where ceremonies invoke ancient customs alongside modern creations, where in a seemingly ever-increasing number of states and countries, anyone can marry the person that they love, this is a most unusual wedding. Today we have gathered to witness the union of Brynn, Kitten, and Doll. We are here today to offer them our love and our blessings as they embark on the next phase of their lives together. To some, they represent the "slippery slope" we were warned about. In truth, what they are about to do today is as old as mankind. While modern humans may have invented the word "polyamory," or "many loves," we certainly didn't invent the idea. Multiple adult relationships are as old as we are as a species. Every major culture on the planet has had some form of multiple marriage. Every major religion has allowed it at some point, and some still do. Numerous holy men from the Old Testament had multiple wives. Arjuna, a Hindu hero in the Mahabharata, shares his wife with his brothers, one of whom later marries as well. To modern Pagans, all acts of love are holy to the Goddess.

Culturally powerful words.

They discuss some of their challenges in deciding on a ceremony and planning it, but here's a challenge they shouldn't have had to face...

We also had to work with in the legalities of the state. As being married to more than one person is not yet legal, we had to combine handfasting, legally binding documents, and legal marriage to come to a configuration we all felt equal in.

There is no good reason why shouldn't have all been free to enter into a legal marriage.

From Kitten's favorite moment...

My father had stopped talking to me for a period of time after I came out as not only gay, but as also dating TWO women. Shortly before the wedding, the bonds were mending, just in time for my father to be hospitalized. There were serious concerns about whether or not he would be able to walk his last daughter down the aisle. So for me to be walked down the aisle and dance with my father, was one of my most meaningful moments.

Kudos to him and all who supported this marriage. The brides and the ceremony look beautiful.

 
Some poly people do not want a wedding or to get married at all. Some want to wait until their marriages would be legal before they marry.The sooner we get full marriage equality, the better.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,family reaction,freedom to marry,lack of equality harms,LGBT,love,polyamory,polygamy,religion,same-sex

Massachusetts Still Doesn't Have Full Marriage Equality

Massachusetts led the way in the US in moving towards full marriage equality, but still isn't there yet. Here's an example of a same-gender wedding in the state to start a marriage that is still denied legal recognition, because it is polyamorous. Kitten, Brynn, and Doll shared their special day with offbeatbride.com, where you can go to see beautiful pictures and and a video, and learn the details about what was involved in the wedding.


KevCool Photography captured these images.

The Offbeat Bride: Kitten, Fashion Manager
Her offbeat partners: Brynn, Computer Programer; Doll, Fashion Designer
Date and location of wedding: Codman Estate Lincoln, MA — August 4, 2013
Our offbeat wedding at a glance: Our wedding had to include meaning for all three of us brides in our polyamorous wedding.

Our entrance music was Emilie Autumn's "On a Day," and our officiants read the following:

I'd like to welcome you to a most unusual wedding. In our society today, no wedding is really "normal." Our polyglot nation has blended together so many ideas of what it means to be married, and how one goes about doing it, that there is truly no one true way to structure a marriage ceremony. But even by modern standards, where blended families are the new norm, where ceremonies invoke ancient customs alongside modern creations, where in a seemingly ever-increasing number of states and countries, anyone can marry the person that they love, this is a most unusual wedding. Today we have gathered to witness the union of Brynn, Kitten, and Doll. We are here today to offer them our love and our blessings as they embark on the next phase of their lives together. To some, they represent the "slippery slope" we were warned about. In truth, what they are about to do today is as old as mankind. While modern humans may have invented the word "polyamory," or "many loves," we certainly didn't invent the idea. Multiple adult relationships are as old as we are as a species. Every major culture on the planet has had some form of multiple marriage. Every major religion has allowed it at some point, and some still do. Numerous holy men from the Old Testament had multiple wives. Arjuna, a Hindu hero in the Mahabharata, shares his wife with his brothers, one of whom later marries as well. To modern Pagans, all acts of love are holy to the Goddess.

Culturally powerful words.

They discuss some of their challenges in deciding on a ceremony and planning it, but here's a challenge they shouldn't have had to face...

We also had to work with in the legalities of the state. As being married to more than one person is not yet legal, we had to combine handfasting, legally binding documents, and legal marriage to come to a configuration we all felt equal in.

There is no good reason why shouldn't have all been free to enter into a legal marriage.

From Kitten's favorite moment...

My father had stopped talking to me for a period of time after I came out as not only gay, but as also dating TWO women. Shortly before the wedding, the bonds were mending, just in time for my father to be hospitalized. There were serious concerns about whether or not he would be able to walk his last daughter down the aisle. So for me to be walked down the aisle and dance with my father, was one of my most meaningful moments.

Kudos to him and all who supported this marriage. The brides and the ceremony look beautiful.

 
Some poly people do not want a wedding or to get married at all. Some want to wait until their marriages would be legal before they marry.The sooner we get full marriage equality, the better.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,family reaction,freedom to marry,lack of equality harms,LGBT,love,polyamory,polygamy,religion,same-sex

Polyamory is Rising, Solidarity is Best

This piece at inquisitr.com asks, "Is Polyamory the New Same-Sex Marriage?" It starts with the rise in visibility of polyamory, then gets very strange...

The idea of not only tolerating but encouraging what we’ve been socialized to see as the worst possible betrayal of a partner is certainly jarring — even if a committed relationship survives what we see as “infidelity,” it’s considered one of the literal worst things an adult human can endure in their lives.

Say what? This is not cheating. If a polyamorous person is in a committed relationship, polyamory involves the agreement of the other person(s) in the relationship. And, sometimes, their participation. This is an entirely different dynamic than cheating.

The issue is a sticky one, threatening not only to create a ton of legal and societal quandaries,

Sounds like Discredited Arguments #2, 11, and possibly 12, 13, and 14. Adaptable laws are already in place.

but also — if we’re being honest, if someone curmudgeonly — undermine the shaky and tenuous gains made by the marriage equality movement.

That's like saying rights for Latino Americans undermined the gains made by the racial equality movement. Equality just for some is not equality. The polyamorous or polygamous freedom to marry is part of full marriage equality just like the same-gender freedom to marry is, and sometimes they overlap as some LGBT people are polyamorous. Solidarity will help, not hurt, LGBT monogamists.

After all, didn’t opponents of same-sex marriage loudly predict that “polygamy” would soon follow, with men seeking to marry multiple wives once the institution of marriage was “destroyed” by extending the rights to our gay brothers and sisters?

Although broken clocks can be right twice a day, bigots who make such statements should be met with "What's the harm of letting adults marry any and all consenting adults?" Marriage equality strengthens marriage; it doesn't destroy it.

The piece ends with...

It seems polyamory is destined to present a redux of the same-sex marriage debate, and will shape up to be the same exhausting fight. But at the end of the day, are we arguing about whether to admit and accept a long-practiced thing, and does legal recognition make any change in how people choose to live their lives going forward?

It really isn't complicated. An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

The polygamous freedom to marry, and acceptance of polyamorous people, will come about faster.

Read more »

Posted in: allies,boundaries,freedom to marry,LGBT,marriage equality,polyamory,polygamy,same-sex,solidarity

Polyamory is Rising, Solidarity is Best

This piece at inquisitr.com asks, "Is Polyamory the New Same-Sex Marriage?" It starts with the rise in visibility of polyamory, then gets very strange...

The idea of not only tolerating but encouraging what we’ve been socialized to see as the worst possible betrayal of a partner is certainly jarring — even if a committed relationship survives what we see as “infidelity,” it’s considered one of the literal worst things an adult human can endure in their lives.

Say what? This is not cheating. If a polyamorous person is in a committed relationship, polyamory involves the agreement of the other person(s) in the relationship. And, sometimes, their participation. This is an entirely different dynamic than cheating.

The issue is a sticky one, threatening not only to create a ton of legal and societal quandaries,

Sounds like Discredited Arguments #2, 11, and possibly 12, 13, and 14. Adaptable laws are already in place.

but also — if we’re being honest, if someone curmudgeonly — undermine the shaky and tenuous gains made by the marriage equality movement.

That's like saying rights for Latino Americans undermined the gains made by the racial equality movement. Equality just for some is not equality. The polyamorous or polygamous freedom to marry is part of full marriage equality just like the same-gender freedom to marry is, and sometimes they overlap as some LGBT people are polyamorous. Solidarity will help, not hurt, LGBT monogamists.

After all, didn’t opponents of same-sex marriage loudly predict that “polygamy” would soon follow, with men seeking to marry multiple wives once the institution of marriage was “destroyed” by extending the rights to our gay brothers and sisters?

Although broken clocks can be right twice a day, bigots who make such statements should be met with "What's the harm of letting adults marry any and all consenting adults?" Marriage equality strengthens marriage; it doesn't destroy it.

The piece ends with...

It seems polyamory is destined to present a redux of the same-sex marriage debate, and will shape up to be the same exhausting fight. But at the end of the day, are we arguing about whether to admit and accept a long-practiced thing, and does legal recognition make any change in how people choose to live their lives going forward?

It really isn't complicated. An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

The polygamous freedom to marry, and acceptance of polyamorous people, will come about faster.

Read more »

Posted in: allies,boundaries,freedom to marry,LGBT,marriage equality,polyamory,polygamy,same-sex,solidarity

Keep Evolving, New Jersey!

Looks like the limited monogamous same-gender freedom to marry is coming to New Jersey on October 21! A ruling made on September 27 was not stayed by a court. So, congrats to all of our LGBT friends in NJ who will now be free to marry in their home state.

Along with Rhode Island, New Jersey currently has the most potential to keep evolving towards full marriage equality under the law, which is vital because no adult should be denied her or his fundamental right to marry the person or persons she or he loves.

Read more »

Posted in: courts,freedom to marry,LGBT,New Jersey,same-sex

Keep Evolving, New Jersey!

Looks like the limited monogamous same-gender freedom to marry is coming to New Jersey on October 21! A ruling made on September 27 was not stayed by a court. So, congrats to all of our LGBT friends in NJ who will now be free to marry in their home state.

Along with Rhode Island, New Jersey currently has the most potential to keep evolving towards full marriage equality under the law, which is vital because no adult should be denied her or his fundamental right to marry the person or persons she or he loves.

Read more »

Posted in: courts,freedom to marry,LGBT,New Jersey,same-sex

Two Women Still Denied Their Right to Marry

By my count, this is the twenty-fourth ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and denied their freedom to marry.

Shiro is a lesbian and wants to marry her partner.

Read the interview below and ask yourself if there is one good reason their rights to love each other the way they want should be denied.


*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Shiro: I'm a sous chef at a restaurant in Williamsburg, Virginia, and my hobbies include swimming, dancing, going to the movies with sis and walks on the beach. I only have the one sibling, my sister, who lives with me. I've had other girlfriends, but I'm happy being with sis.

I got out of high school with my diploma, and I had always had a passion for cooking, so I expanded on that. I went to community college and went through the culinary program, which I passed with flying colors.

FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation?

Lesbian, as is my sister.

FME: You currently live with...?

I live with my sister.

FME: Are you married or have you ever been married?

No, but I am engaged to my sister. If we could get married, we would.

FME: You're in a relationship with your genetic sister that includes sex?

Yes.

FME: Did you grow up together?

We did grow up together, but my sis went in the military when she turned 18. We reconnected when she got out.

FME: Who is older, and by how much?

I am older, by a year and 2 months.

FME: When and how did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

Sex started after a couple of months of us being together, and it came about with us just talking about it one night. When we first got together as a couple, I could see us being intimate. She made the first move, asking me about my favorite positions.

FME: Can you describe your feelings during that event?

Just a wonderfully warm, tender moment when we first mated. I felt like I was making love, and not just having sex.

FME: Describe your relationship now.

We have been living together just over a year now. She lives with me at my house. We do see each other as siblings and lovers, girlfriends and partners. We don’t do affairs, we are loyal to each other. While we would like to be married, we will settle for the commitment ceremony.

FME: How do you describe your lovemaking now? Does it feel natural or kinky?

I do think it feels natural. Intense, as well. Doesn't feel kinky, but we do S&M. She's the sadist, I'm the masochist. She gets hers by smacking me around, and I get mine by being smacked around. We don't always do the rough stuff, sometimes we just make love.

FME: Do you have these kinds of feelings for, or involvements with other family member or relatives?

No others, just now with my sister.

FME: Does anyone know the  full, true nature of your relationship?

Our parents know. They fond out because they saw her engagement ring, and noticed that mine matched, and they asked us. We just told them straight up when they asked. We do act like a couple in public, everywhere we go.

FME: Is there anything you've had to do to hide the full nature nature of your relationship? Having to hide can be a lot of trouble. Are there other disadvantages to being in a relationship like this? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?

The main thing we've done to hide it is just not tell anyone. I don't think that other than legal issues there are any disadvantages. As far as an advantage goes, at least in the case of my sis and I, we already knew each other very well and we already loved each other as sisters.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t really consent)?

I don't really care if people disapprove. My reply to those thinking one is preying on the other, is how do you know if you aren't there? How do you know for 100% certain that is the case?

FME: What do you think of LGBT people, leaders or otherwise, who distance the rights of consanguineous lovers from the civil rights movement, or condemn such lovers?

I think that they have the right to their own opinion, and I can understand because of the legal issues, but they should at least be considerate to others fighting their own battles.

FME: Aside from the law, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

That is the only thing wrong with it. Which I feel is nonsense anyways, since the courts shouldn't dictate what love is acceptable.

FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?

Yes.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing feelings for a genetic relative, especially a sibling?

If you feel attracted to a genetic relative, tread cautiously. They may or may not share your feelings. If they do, try to ease your way into it, and most important of all, try your best to make your partner happy.


FME: Any plans for the future?

Yes. My sis and me plan to do a commitment ceremony.

FME: Do you know in-person others who have had relationships like yours?

Our parents told us that they had family relations when they found out my sister and I were together.

FME: Anything else you want to add?

Not really, except that I like where I'm at in life and I wish the same for people who are like us.

*****


There you have it. Two consenting adults who plan to continue to live as though married, and who will legally marry once they are no longer denied their freedom to marry.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to adopt full marriage equality sooner rather than later, so that an adult is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage any and all consenting adults. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is in or may be in such a relationship, please read this.

Thank you to Shiro for sharing her situation with us!

Read more »

Posted in: coming out,consanguineous,family reaction,lack of equality harms,LGBT,love,same-sex,siblings,sister-sister

Two Women Still Denied Their Right to Marry

By my count, this is the twenty-fourth ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and denied their freedom to marry.

Shiro is a lesbian and wants to marry her partner.

Read the interview below and ask yourself if there is one good reason their rights to love each other the way they want should be denied.


*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Shiro: I'm a sous chef at a restaurant in Williamsburg, Virginia, and my hobbies include swimming, dancing, going to the movies with sis and walks on the beach. I only have the one sibling, my sister, who lives with me. I've had other girlfriends, but I'm happy being with sis.

I got out of high school with my diploma, and I had always had a passion for cooking, so I expanded on that. I went to community college and went through the culinary program, which I passed with flying colors.

FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation?

Lesbian, as is my sister.

FME: You currently live with...?

I live with my sister.

FME: Are you married or have you ever been married?

No, but I am engaged to my sister. If we could get married, we would.

FME: You're in a relationship with your genetic sister that includes sex?

Yes.

FME: Did you grow up together?

We did grow up together, but my sis went in the military when she turned 18. We reconnected when she got out.

FME: Who is older, and by how much?

I am older, by a year and 2 months.

FME: When and how did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

Sex started after a couple of months of us being together, and it came about with us just talking about it one night. When we first got together as a couple, I could see us being intimate. She made the first move, asking me about my favorite positions.

FME: Can you describe your feelings during that event?

Just a wonderfully warm, tender moment when we first mated. I felt like I was making love, and not just having sex.

FME: Describe your relationship now.

We have been living together just over a year now. She lives with me at my house. We do see each other as siblings and lovers, girlfriends and partners. We don’t do affairs, we are loyal to each other. While we would like to be married, we will settle for the commitment ceremony.

FME: How do you describe your lovemaking now? Does it feel natural or kinky?

I do think it feels natural. Intense, as well. Doesn't feel kinky, but we do S&M. She's the sadist, I'm the masochist. She gets hers by smacking me around, and I get mine by being smacked around. We don't always do the rough stuff, sometimes we just make love.

FME: Do you have these kinds of feelings for, or involvements with other family member or relatives?

No others, just now with my sister.

FME: Does anyone know the  full, true nature of your relationship?

Our parents know. They fond out because they saw her engagement ring, and noticed that mine matched, and they asked us. We just told them straight up when they asked. We do act like a couple in public, everywhere we go.

FME: Is there anything you've had to do to hide the full nature nature of your relationship? Having to hide can be a lot of trouble. Are there other disadvantages to being in a relationship like this? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?

The main thing we've done to hide it is just not tell anyone. I don't think that other than legal issues there are any disadvantages. As far as an advantage goes, at least in the case of my sis and I, we already knew each other very well and we already loved each other as sisters.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t really consent)?

I don't really care if people disapprove. My reply to those thinking one is preying on the other, is how do you know if you aren't there? How do you know for 100% certain that is the case?

FME: What do you think of LGBT people, leaders or otherwise, who distance the rights of consanguineous lovers from the civil rights movement, or condemn such lovers?

I think that they have the right to their own opinion, and I can understand because of the legal issues, but they should at least be considerate to others fighting their own battles.

FME: Aside from the law, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

That is the only thing wrong with it. Which I feel is nonsense anyways, since the courts shouldn't dictate what love is acceptable.

FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?

Yes.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing feelings for a genetic relative, especially a sibling?

If you feel attracted to a genetic relative, tread cautiously. They may or may not share your feelings. If they do, try to ease your way into it, and most important of all, try your best to make your partner happy.


FME: Any plans for the future?

Yes. My sis and me plan to do a commitment ceremony.

FME: Do you know in-person others who have had relationships like yours?

Our parents told us that they had family relations when they found out my sister and I were together.

FME: Anything else you want to add?

Not really, except that I like where I'm at in life and I wish the same for people who are like us.

*****


There you have it. Two consenting adults who plan to continue to live as though married, and who will legally marry once they are no longer denied their freedom to marry.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to adopt full marriage equality sooner rather than later, so that an adult is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage any and all consenting adults. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is in or may be in such a relationship, please read this.

Thank you to Shiro for sharing her situation with us!

Read more »

Posted in: coming out,consanguineous,family reaction,lack of equality harms,LGBT,love,same-sex,siblings,sister-sister

Congratulations to Rhode Island and Minnesota

The limited same-gender freedom to marry is just hours away from going into effect in two more states: Rhode Island and Minnesota.

Congratulations to all LGBT couples who will now be free to marry. There are still people denied their right to marry the person(s) they love in these states, so let's keep evolving towards full marriage equality in these states and nationally!

Read more »

Posted in: freedom to marry,LGBT,Minnesota,Rhode Island,same-sex,US

Congratulations to Rhode Island and Minnesota

The limited same-gender freedom to marry is just hours away from going into effect in two more states: Rhode Island and Minnesota.

Congratulations to all LGBT couples who will now be free to marry. There are still people denied their right to marry the person(s) they love in these states, so let's keep evolving towards full marriage equality in these states and nationally!

Read more »

Posted in: freedom to marry,LGBT,Minnesota,Rhode Island,same-sex,US

Congratulations to England and Wales

Congratulations to all of the couples who will now be able to marry in England and Wales! Thanks to Queen Elizabeth II and all who have said "YES!" to the limited same-gender freedom to marry.

Let's keep evolving towards full marriage equality across the UK and worldwide. There are so many people who are still being denied their rights to marry, or even just love, the person(s) they love.

Read more »

Posted in: freedom to marry,LGBT,same-sex,UK

Congratulations to England and Wales

Congratulations to all of the couples who will now be able to marry in England and Wales! Thanks to Queen Elizabeth II and all who have said "YES!" to the limited same-gender freedom to marry.

Let's keep evolving towards full marriage equality across the UK and worldwide. There are so many people who are still being denied their rights to marry, or even just love, the person(s) they love.

Read more »

Posted in: freedom to marry,LGBT,same-sex,UK

Why Polyamory Will Gain Acceptance Faster

It’s not going to take as long for polyamorists to get our freedoms, including the freedom to marry, as it is taking (monogamist) gays and lesbians.

First, I need to have a bit of clarification here. Polyamory has always been around with some public awareness, whatever forms it has taken or whichever labels have been applied, especially if we go with the broad term ethical nonmonogamy instead.

What I mean is that in the US, as well as many other countries, there was a sustained period of trying to force everyone, or at least everyone but the elite, into heterosexual, gender-roled, married monogamy with spouses that were “acceptable” by class, race, religion, etc. Those deemed not suitable for marriage were often kept out of public life in general. For example, people with certain disabilities were expected to stay home or be institutionalized so as to not cause discomfort to people who would be uneasy around them. That oppression is in the process of being dismantled. We are ending the prosecutions, the persecutions, the stigmatizing, and everything else that makes it so people go into hiding (or hiding an important part of who they are) because of who they are and who they love.

Polyamorists haven't had a "Stonewall" moment. Many people cite the Stonewall Riots of 1969 as the start of gay and lesbian people fighting back against such persecution. It has been 44 years and same-gender couples are still barred from legally marrying in most US states and LGBT people still need employment protections (ENDA). But the momentum is rapidly building, especially with the recent Supreme Court actions on DOMA and PropH8 and the death of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” for military service, and all of the public figures who are coming out in support of the same-gender freedom to marry. There have been so many advancements since 1969.

Note that earlier in the 1960s, the US adopted laws to protect racial minorities nationwide, and the Loving v. Virginia case struck down bans on the interracial freedom to marry, over a hundred years after the Emancipation Proclamation. Women got the vote nationwide in 1920 and have made much progress, but are still on the journey.

So will polyamorists have to wait a couple of generations?

Happily, the answer is no. Here why:



1) Momentum. Note that gay civil rights have made progress much faster than feminist and racial civil rights. Likewise, rights for nonmonogamists and people who don’t want to marry at all will not take as long as gay rights. Momentum is building, and polyamorists should be exceedingly appreciative of the work done by the racial, feminist, gay, and lesbian civil rights champions.

2) Smaller opposition. Opposition to polyamory and the polygamous freedom to marry comes almost entirely from specific segments of religious conservatives, more and more of whom are warming up to the fact that civil marriages are not a threat to their churches and that it is destructive and wasteful to concentrate on trying to control adult relationships, especially when it comes to people who are not members of their church. There are some who oppose the polygamous freedom to marry out of concern for tax/benefit issues, but those concerns can be addressed without denying any adults the freedom to marry.

3) Less motivated opposition. Most of the above considered “line in the sand” to be the same-gender freedom to marry and are already resigned to polygamous freedom to marry upon national establishment of the same-gender freedom to marry. While some monogamist LGBT people bristle at the connection, what matters is that a connection exists in the mind of those who oppose the freedoms and they do not want to continue fighting one freedom if the other is established. Those who identify as LGBT monogamists have much more in common with those who identify as heterosexual monogamists than some heteros realize, but in the prejudiced mind, monogamist LGBT people and polyamorists are in the same big “other” category.

4) More existing understanding. Some strictly heterosexual people are disgusted by the thought of gay sex and much of the now-diminishing opposition from heterosexuals to the same-gender freedom to marry came from that. Or, if not disgusted, they (especially males) simply couldn’t understand how someone might find someone of the same gender sexually or romantically attractive. But almost everyone can understand (or has personally experienced) being romantically or sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time. They’ve had the feelings themselves; this is one reason they bring up polyamory when discussing the freedom to marry. While someone may not personally want to pursue polyamory, they are more likely to avoid opposing those who do. Also, for religious conservatives, there is a heritage of polyamory in their traditions and clear scriptural prohibitions are lacking in most traditions’ scriptures.

5) Strict monogamy is rare. Most people are mostly or strictly heterosexual in how they see themselves and live, even if they’ve had some experiences with someone of the same gender. Very few people are truly and strictly monogamists sexually, emotionally, romantically over the course of a lifetime. Extending rights to polyamorous people, including the polygamous freedom to marry, deals with a reality that everyone has experienced. For example, if someone has children with more than one person, and they are all agreeable to a marriage structure involving three or more people, why deny them that? Relationships, including marriage, usually involve more than one bond (erotic, romantic, friendship, cohabitational, parental, legal, financial, professional, shared interests) between the people involved, and sometimes one of those bonds may diminish or end with one person and begin or increase with another, but there is no reason to end the earlier relationship; there could be good reasons nobody wants to end the relationship. For example, a woman might share sex, residence, children, and a business with one man, and sex, romance, friendship, and a love of theatre with another.

6) Political compatibility. Progressives, libertarians, and conservatives can all find much to like in polyamory, which is why you can find polyamorists in just about all areas of the political map. Polyamorists who are progressives see cooperative and efficient living in polyamory. Libertarians (who generally oppose government restriction on adult behavior that doesn’t violate another’s property or person) and conservative polyamorists like the idea of people relying on each other rather than a government program.

7) Increased compassion. More and more people now recognize that letting consenting adults have their relationships and love each other as they want is the right thing to do, and opposing relationships between consenting adults is not only mean-spirited, but a waste.

8) Experience. While many LGBT people are monogamists, some socially/politically active LGBT people are polyamorists or poly-friendly, and they are already motivated and working towards full marriage equality, and experienced in advancing these civil rights.

While some people fighting for LGBT rights or the same-gender freedom to marry only care about LGBT rights and monogamy, or even reject association with or comparison to polyamorists (including LGBT polyamorists) others have shown solidarity. Polyamorists owe a great deal of thanks to those in the racial, feminist, gay and lesbian civil rights movements for opening minds and establishing rights for adults, as well as continuing solidarity in the fight for those rights. Polyamorists will get their rights faster not because the movement is stronger than the LGBT rights movement, but rather exactly because the LGBT rights movement has been so strong.

Relationship rights and full marriage equality for all adults is going to happen. We’re trying to make it happen sooner rather than later.

Read more »

Posted in: allies,boundaries,coming out,freedom to marry,LGBT,marriage equality,polyamory,prejudice,same-sex,solidarity,USA

If We Could Talk to the Animals

Jenny Block, who has written about open marriage, wrote that there are some interesting comparisons between humans and other animals when it comes to sexuality. How often have we heard that some relationship isn’t “natural?”

As she says, “Just because animals do certain things doesn’t prove that we necessarily do them too.” But sometimes humans can be compared to other animals, and the comparisons have weight. We might be able to get some good ideas from them.

She points out that animals flirt, they masturbate, they watch other animals express their sexuality, even through video.

They exhibit habits other than monogamy. They are polygamous and polygynous. And they are social monogamists as well as serial monogamists, even swans. Bonobos, for example, have multiple sexual partners at any given time in their life. And some species even engage in group sex. When red-sided garter snakes mate, the female is made the center of what is called a mating ball, where 100 males all attempt to mate with the female at the same time.

People exhibit habits other than monogamy. Although not always socially accepted, people partner in a variety of ways. Many of those ways have proved to be perfectly healthy.

Also,

They are homosexual as well as heterosexual. Marine birds, mammals, monkeys, great apes, dolphins, penguins, cattle, bonobos and rams are just a few of the many animal species in which scientists have observed homosexual behavior.

Humans are homosexual as well as heterosexual, obviously. And each is perfectly normal and absolutely biological. Once again, the only issue in human society is our lack of acceptance of both orientations.

She goes on to note that some animals have sex for pleasure, some will seek out additional sex partners if the current one is not interested in another session at that time, some over-indulge, and there are female initiators. And I’ll add that anyone who has had closely related hamsters can verify that some animals engage in consanguineous sex.

Consenting adults should have their rights to any of these things, without the law interfering.

Read more »

Posted in: consanguineous,group,incest,LGBT,myths,open,polygamy,same-sex,science