An Example of the Benefit of Nonmonogamy in Nature

I am polyamorous, but not one of those polyamorists who say everyone else should be polyamorous, too. When I say I support the rights of consenting adults, that includes the freedom to be monogamous or celibate. And, as I always say, just because something is found in another species, it doesn't automatically apply to humans. With those things out of the way, I wanted to note Carl Zimmer's report at nytimes.com that flies forced into monogamy apparently lose learning ability.

Forcing male flies into monogamy has a startling effect: After a few dozen generations, the flies become worse at learning.

This discovery, published on Wednesday in the Proceedings of the Royal Society, isn’t a biological excuse for men who have strayed from their significant other. Instead, it’s a tantalizing clue about why intelligence evolved.

The new study was carried out by Brian Hollis and Tadeusz J. Kawecki, biologists at the University of Lausanne in Switzerland. They investigated a fly species called Drosophila melanogaster that normally has a very un-monogamous way of life.

I do think it causes all sorts of problems to try to force a polyamorous person into monogamy. Human history has shown that over and over again. Also, many polyamorous people will tell you that living out polyamory has made them better people and taught them much.

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Posted in: academia,human origins,lack of equality harms,monogamy,open,polyamory,polygamy,science

How Nonmonogamous People Can Avoid Trouble

Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex and relationships between adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving, happy, and lasting the relationships are. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to the persecution and prosecution of consanguinamorous people, polyamorists, polygamists, and other ethical nonmonogamists can face discrimination and even prosecution.

Some awesome people put together a very helpful lists of state laws for polyamorous people in the US or considering moving to the US. First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:

The focus of this blog is consenting adults. This blog does not advocate anyone engage in activity that is currently illegal in their jurisdiction; it does advocate changing or repealing any law that prevents the freedom of association, love, and full marriage equality for adults. This blog condemns rape, sexual assault, and child molestation, and does not provide medical, therapeutic, legal, financial, or cooking advice. This blog links to other sites for informational purposes; it does not necessarily support everything at those links.

OK, with that out of the way, I'll continue as a friend.

Please keep in mind that while a state may not have a law against "fornication" (sex outside of a legal marriage), "adultery" (when a married person has sex with someone other than her or his legal spouse), or cohabitation, it might still criminalize consensual sex between close relatives (whether genetically related, steprelation, or adoptive). For more information about that, see here. Also, laws on the books may be rarely or selectively enforced, so it it s good to consult an attorney familiar with the laws of a state as well as actual criminal and civil cases in that state and general legal climate.

While most nonmonogamists never get prosecuted or sued, the threat is always there in many places.

With states that allow a legally married spouse to get an advantage in a divorce by citing adultery or sue their spouse's lover for financial compensation, the only way to be sure of avoiding a problem is to simply avoid the risk entirely by not getting involved with someone who is legally married, or, if you are legally married, not getting involved with anyone other than your spouse. Even if everyone is enthusiastic at first or at the time of the sex or relationship, someone can still use the law to get what they see as revenge should things tum cold.

State By State


All 50 US states have statutes against bigamy/polygamy (multiple licensed marriages). In most states, bigamy is a felony.

In the following states, bigamy is a misdemeanor. However, once the penalty is paid, you are back at square one.

Alaska
Arkansas
Hawaii (petty misdemeanor-- 30 days in jail)
Iowa
Maine
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
New Jersey
Ohio
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island (misdemeanor, $1000)
Tennessee
Texas

The following lists are ordered by which states have the most promise statutorily. The first list is the best, the last list is the worst.

The following states, have no statutes against  fornication, adultery, or cohabitation, and they also do not recognize common-law marriages (which assigns marital status to people who might not want to be considered married).

California
Hawaii
Nevada
Oregon
Washington

The following states have statutes that concern adultery, but none for fornication, cohabitation, or common-law marriage. In some of them adultery is grounds for divorce only. In others the offending spouse simply forfeits any rights to the innocent spouse's estate. In the rest of them, adultery is a crime that can only be prosecuted by the offended spouse. In a successful polygamous relationship, these need not be obstructive. If the relationship fails, however, the statutory adulterer will be charged.

Connecticut
Delaware
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland (Adultery results in a $10 fine and is grounds for divorce)
Missouri
New Jersey
Ohio
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas (Texas does recognize common-law marriages, but apparently only if they are registered with the county clerk)
Vermont

Both states make adultery and fornication misdemeanors, although in Illinois the conduct must be "open and notorious." For interest's sake, we have listed all of the states whose statutes are no worse than Georgia or Illinois. This only means that in these states you are as likely as not, to be able to find a lawyer who will talk to you.

Arizona
Georgia
Illinois
Michigan
Minnesota
New Hampshire (New Hampshire recognizes common-law marriages, but only for inheritance purposes after death)
New Mexico
New York
North Dakota

The following states have laws against cohabitation.

Alabama
Alaska
Arkansas
Florida
Massachusetts
Mississippi
Nebraska
North Carolina
South Carolina
Virginia
West Virginia
Wyoming

The following states recognize common-law marriages, or else make adultery a felony, and are not on the previous lists.

Colorado
Idaho
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
Utah
Washington D.C.
Wisconsin

How do people minimize the risk of losing in court? What can nonmonogamists do to protect themselves? Any of these steps might help...

1) Consult a lawyer. I am not a lawyer. A criminal defense or family law attorney might be someone well worth consulting.

2) Move to more enlightened states or countries.

3) Be careful who you tell and what you tell them. In the US, we have a Constitutional right against self-incrimination (see 5th Amendment) and the right to remain silent when arrested by law enforcement. It's a good idea when dealing with police to give them polite, brief "yes" or "no" or "I don't know" or "I don't remember" answers unless even one of those could incriminate you. In the US, you also have the right to an attorney and it is a good idea speak up and ask for a lawyer if you're held or taken in by police. Also in the US, unless there is imminent danger to someone, you don't have the let police into your home without a search warrant, and even search warrants can have limits. YOU may think something is obvious and gives you away, the police may even have figured it out, but staying silent about it can still protect you.

4) Be careful what you document. Many lovers enjoy taking video or pictures of themselves having fun with each other, but for the nonmonogamous, such media, if it falls into the wrong hands, can be trouble.

5) Have a cover story. Anticipate questions, whether from those you know you or those who don't who might not approve. Historically, it isn't unusual for a home to have three or more adults.

6) Know your risk in raising children. Not only will children have to deal with the prejudice of others, but children may also provide testimony that goes against you, often unwittingly.

7) Stick to private places and lock the door when you get to the fun.

Note that most ethicists say it is OK to lie to authorities who are trying to enforce unjust laws or policies. An extreme example is a Nazi SS officer asking you, "Are you hiding any Jews here?" It was ethical to say "No." Well, I think that applies here, too, though the situation is not as extreme. It is nobody else's business if adults are having consensual sex or relationships.

This advice shouldn't even be necessary, but until we get to the point where we have relationship rights for all adults, including full marriage equality, nonmonogamists should think about protecting themselves. Of course, some level of trouble is necessary to make change. Laws need to be overturned in courts or changed by legislatures, but it is up to each set of lovers to decide for themselves if they want to come out of the closet and to push for those things. The more other people realize that ethical nonomonogamy is a reality all around them, the sooner the persecution will be greatly reduced.

Police officers usually have some wiggle-room when it comes to investigating or arresting people can can look the other way if they choose. Prosecutors can choose not to prosecute. Judges can dismiss cases. Juries can refuse to convict (research jury nullification). So I beg these people to let consenting adults love each other without harassment, without prosecution.

Do you have any suggestions? Any tales to tell about what you've done to protect yourself? What do you think, dear reader? Leave a comment or email me.

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Posted in: bigamy,boundaries,cheating,FAQ,lack of equality harms,law,love,open,persecution,polyamory,polygamy,prejudice,swinging,US

19 Responses to Anti-Polyamory

Much thanks to MultipleMatch.com for running my defense of ethical nonmonogamy, such as polyamory, polygamy, and so on.

Click here to read "19 Responses for Answering Anti-Polyamory & Plural Marriage"

Bumped up.

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Posted in: group,myths,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,swinging

A Polyamorous Woman Denied Her Right to Marry

By my count, this is the twenty-ninth ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are denied their fundamental right to marry.

Zoey is a beautiful young woman, someone you might give a nod and smile to if you saw her shopping in your local store. If you want to see her NOT SAFE FOR WORK Tumblr, you can find it here.


Read the interview below and ask yourself if there is one good reason her right to love the adults she does should be denied.


*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Zoey: I am almost 23. I am in a type of polyamory/open relationship with my girlfriend Tess (almost 25) and my boyfriend Jack (almost 24). These are our fake names used for anonymous purposes only of course.


FME: Are you legally married or have you ever been legally married?

No, I am not married. I have not ever been married either.


FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation... are you heterosexual, bisexual, what?

I am bisexual.


FME: You currently live with…?

My boyfriend Jack, Girlfriend Tess, our 3 kids, Jack’s mother and his younger sister.


FME: Please describe your polyamorous relationship.

Neither I nor Tess get jealous if we have one-on-one time with Jack. But, there is always time for some group play. Jack even prefers if all three of us make love together. As for how things work, it’s simple, really. Jack has the job in the relationship and Tess and I watch the kids - for now. I’ve been trying to get a job as well so that I can help him with the bills. It’s seems unfair to me that he has to support the 6 of us by himself.


FME: How did this polycule form? Was it a sudden event or a gradual process? Was there a clear initiator?

Originally, I met Jack when we were both working at a haunted house. At the time I was currently in a monogamous relationship with a guy that I used to go to school with, who was also working at the same place but in a different part of the attraction. Jack was very flirty and silly. I clicked with him instantly. He told me a little bit about himself and how he had kids and a girlfriend that was bisexual. I confessed to him that I was also bisexual. We became close friends.

After the season was over I went back to my life with my boyfriend. A lot of drama started between me and my boyfriend’s mother. She found out that I was bisexual because she googled my name. What she didn’t know was that it was a different ‘Zoey’ that she found but, she’s the kind of person where once her mind was set there was no changing it. She was disgusted with me and forced my boyfriend to kick me out. I ended up moving in with my dad and that’s when I got back in touch with Jack. I had a friend request from him on my Facebook. We talked for about a month then he invited me over one random September day. That was when everything fell into place. We all clicked and I’ll admit, it was a sudden occurrence. But, it’s one that I will never regret or forget.


FME: Describe your relationship now.

Now our relationship is more refined and unrevealed except the occasional hugs and kisses but at night when our kids are asleep it’s still very sexual and romantic.

In the aspect of the 3 children that are in our relationship, I am basically a 'step-mother' to Tess's two kids and she is the 'step-mother' to my son. Jack is simply daddy to all of them. It works out wonderfully. In the future Jack and I would like to have more kids. Tess is physically unable to birth any more children so she has been thinking about adoption, and so have I. We all have always wanted a big family and every child deserves a home and a loving family that they can call their own. But, because of our current governmental standing... I don't know how well that would work, if at all.


FME: What are the sleeping arrangements? Is there a schedule?

Tess sleeps by the wall, Jack is in the middle and I sleep on the outside. We share a King sized bed. The only schedules that we follow are Jack’s work schedule and the schedule of our kids. Only one of them is old enough for school and the other two is the job of us stay-at-home mammas.


FME: What kind of rules/agreements for maintaining the relationship are there?

There’s really no rules. We all get along so well.


FME: What is your past experience with polyamory, if any?

Until this relationship that I’m currently in, I had no prior experience. And, I will admit that in the beginning Tess and I had our fair share of jealousy. She wasn’t used to a polyamory relationship either.


FME: Who are you out to? How were you outed? What has been the reaction by family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, random strangers, etc.?

Random strangers are funny. They give us the strangest looks when we’re out together. Me, Tess and Jack have gotten to the point where we don’t care about their looks or we just tell them to f--- off! That’s only if they are being rude though. For everyone else I just posted a status update on Facebook. Although, with my mother I sent a private message. At first she did not accept as easily as the rest but, after some time and my son (her grandson) she was much more accepting.


FME: Is there anything you've had to do to hide the nature of your relationship from anyone? Having to hide can be a lot of trouble. Are there other disadvantages to being in a relationship like this? Conversely, do you think polyamorous relationships have some advantages?

The only people we’ve had to hide from is the government. But, the reason to that is obvious. And, in the sexual aspect there is an advantage for Jack. If one of us is on our period then he can play around with the other. His only disadvantage is when we’re both on our period at the same time.


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that women are victimized by a relationship like this?

I would say that they are wrong! We are not victimized by our relationship. The only way that I would see us as a ‘victim’ is if Jack was abusive. Which he is NOT!


FME: Can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

I can’t think of anything wrong with my relationship. Unless it’s abusive, like I have stated above.


FME: If you could have a legal polyamorous marriage, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? Or even if you do not want a legal polyamorous marriage, do you see a need for protections against discrimination?

Yes, we’ve all already discussed marriage. We ALL want to be united. Both Tess and I have already stated that if we were to get married we would take Jacks last name. And, if we ever decided not to get married for whatever reason then protection against discrimination would be wonderful.


FME: What advice do you have for someone who thinks they may be polyamorous or may want to enter into a polyamorous relationship?

Make sure that the people that will be involved in the polyamorous relationship get along without any type of jealousy. Major conflicts would be good to avoid but, there’s no avoiding tiny little conflicts. Every relationship, whether it be polyamorous, monogamous, or otherwise will have some type of little conflicts. It’s unavoidable.


FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who are having trouble coming to grips with the reality of their family member or friend being polyamorous?

If you need any other kind of advice you can contact us online at our blog. If you would like to talk to a specific person then specify the name with your message please.


FME: Do you know/meet up with other polyamorous families?

No, we do not, but I think it would be fun to be able to hang out with other like-minded families.


FME: Any plans for the future?

As of now, our only plan is to keep living life happy. The way we are now with no interruptions from the government trying to break us apart. If we are ever able to get married then that would be our next future plan.


FME: Anything else you want to add?

If you would like to talk to us personally you may do so at our blog. Just be sure to specify whom you are talking too in your message.  All three of us run the blog together and if you did not specify it can be confusing.

*****

Here is their NOT SAFE FOR WORK Tumblr blog:
http://ourtriplesexstory.tumblr.com/

There you have it. Consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, but who have to hide their love, denied their right to marry.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

Thank you to Zoey for doing this interview!

Read more »

Posted in: bisexual,children,coming out,family reaction,freedom to marry,lack of equality harms,love,open,polyamory,polygamy,polygyny,triads

A Pansexual Woman Denied Her Rights

By my count, this is the twenty-seventh ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are denied their fundamental right to marry. This one is with a beautiful Anonymous Woman who is polyamorous and consanguinamorous.

Read the interview below and ask yourself if there is one good reason her right to love the adults she does should be denied. There is some mildly graphic description of sexual activity.


*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Anonymous Woman: I work in the film and television inudstry. I have a degree in Cinematic Arts. I currently homeschool a few children that aren't mine. I would say I'm from a middle to upper class background. My dad is from Europe and my mom is from Central America. My brother is my only sibling. I'm 37, and fairly pansexual, meaning I don't really care what gender someone is. I am tall and fit.



FME: Are you married or have you ever been married?

I have never been married and have no children. I want to have kids.


FME: You currently live with…?

Currently, I live in my parents' house. I do not live with my parents because they decided to move to another city, but wanted to keep the house in the family not sell it.


FME: How would you describe your relationship orientation?

Right now, what I have is a relationship with three people, a trans male-to-female girlfriend, my brother, and my sister in law. We have all been together a couple of times and they have all been with each other. It is difficult to call it an actual polyamory relationship because except for my brother and sister-in-law we don't live in the same cities. I am not saying I want or expect this to be the relationship I have forever. I do think given my pansexual orientation and need for affection that a polyamorous relationship of some type would be best. I am really pansexual. I like both genders and I like male-to-female transsexuals.


FME: What kind of relationship did you and your brother have while growing up?

My brother and I never had sex while growing up. I did spy on his liaisons with girlfriends a little bit. But not until the last couple of years did we have a sexual relationship. We apparently both had these feelings about each other but never acted on them. Who initiated the triad was his wife, however, not him and not me.

FME: How did that happen?

It basically started one night when they were over at my old apartment because they were in town and needed some alone time, and my parents' house was crowded. I was spying on them having sex and I was naked and they caught me masturbating to them. We were somewhat embarrassed and apologized and laughed and everything being awkward, and then rather suddenly my sister in law drops to her knees and begins to perform oral sex on me. That is how it all started.

The way that sort of worked was that my brother first got involved with us just watching. But after a while we just started playing with each other as part of the process, and one thing lead to another and we were f---ing each other that same night.

I always was attracted to my brother, and frequently said if he wasn't married and wasn't my brother I'd probably want to be his girlfriend. But I had never really thought about acting on it.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Are you siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend? What about the sex?

It is complicated. I don't know how to describe it. It is some of the best sex I ever had. It can be kinky but it's not always kinky. Except for that little detail about me having sex with my brother, it would probably be a lot less kinky. We don't have sex all the time. Maybe only 5 or 6 of these situations a year and usually not all four or us at the same time. I know that people will assume we're meeting every weekend and doing absolutely bizarre things but it's not like that. We see each other and interact more as family than as any other role. Even with my girfriend it has become less unbridled sex and more planning to have a family.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature/history of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted?

The polyamorous relationship is known about by some friends but is a complete secret to my parents. Their oldest daughter picked up that there is an occasional sexual relationship between me and her mother. The other kids do not now anything. The whole family understands I am bisexual. My parents are Catholic, and while they probably would rather see me meet a guy, they accepted that part of me. I used to be a drug addict do all kinds of illegal [stuff]. They managed to get me into recovery, and have been supportive of anything which is a legitimate lifestyle. They dread me falling back to being an addict more than any sexual orientation, and as long as I'm not selling myself they are okay with it. However, I do not think they would ever accept my brother and I as lovers.

FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?

Here is a big advantage: several of us get to have several needs of ours satisified, including my girlfriend who, frankly, has a problem dealing with men but nonetheless has some attraction to them. We're all somewhat bisexual. We all love each other. It is safe... no diseases, no risks of violence, nothing like you would risk dating people you really don't know.


FME: Is this a closed group?

We are not closed, we are open to finding other people and are actually trying to do it, especially my girlfriend and I.

FME: Any plans for the future?

I made a decision for biological clock reasons to try to have a baby. My girfriend has offered to be the legal second parent for the kid and to use my brother as the sperm donor. There is the downside of slightly higher chances for birth defects but there is also a risk in that of waiting until my 40's or whenever I found a boyfriend. We're going to have a legal agreement drawn up stating that we are doing this so we cannot be charged with incest. There's laws against us f---ing each other but none against using a sibling for a sperm donor. An advantage of this is, we know where the DNA is coming from, in case a medical condition develops. And as well, when the question comes about as to how I had a baby artificially, we thought that having the "true parent" being her uncle than a total stranger would go over better.


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship?

Well, we're all well into adulthood and we all love each other. It is safe, and it is an extension of our love for one another. This is something that developed in adulthood. We're all over 35. It meets needs we have as bisexual people better than going out and trying to swing.


FME: What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t truly consent?)

What can't we consent to? I'm not being blackmailed or extorted. I'm not being raped. I can say no. In fact, shortly after this first happened I DID say no. But I decided I didn't want to say no anymore.


FME: Aside from the law, which I think is ridiculous, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

Yeah, if there was force or compulsion of any kind used in it.


FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? Or is this a different kind of relationship than that?

That's complicated. Firstly, I'm a political libertarian and don't believe the state should be involved in marriage. Then if we did do that we'd have to consider my parents and my brother's kids. We aren't anywhere near that kind of a decision though even if it were possible.


FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?

Just don't try and shame people and make them feel guilty.


*****


There you have it. Consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, but who have to hide their love.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is in or may be in such a relationship, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous Woman for doing this interview!

Read more »

Posted in: bisexual,brother-sister,consanguineous,family reaction,LGBT,love,open,PCM,polyamory,pregnancy,same-sex,siblings,triads

Discovering Polyamory Through People You Know

At thebigsmoke.com.au, Belinda Marsh has a piece on polyamory. Some names were changed to protect people from bigotry. It starts with coworkers...

One day, Ray asked, “You do know that I’ve got a woman friend, don’t you?”

He went on to say that he was married and living together with his wife and children, but that his wife knew about his ‘bit on the side’. Ray explained that they were in an open, ‘polyamorous’ relationship.

While this threw Angie initially, when Ray got a message from Liz, his wife, saying she had arrived at her lover’s house, she finally understood. She still found this confronting, but it was also liberating. Hearing that two adults could have an honest and open relationship with such a high level of communication was astounding to her.

When someone realizes they know polyamorous people, it can be eye-opening.

The groundbreaking book, The Ethical Slut, was written by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. Both women are practicing polyamorists. Having embraced this lifestyle in the 60s, Easton has lived the polyamorous lifestyle on an ongoing basis, even raising a child with her many different partners, some of who are more permanent than others.

She prefers to use the term ‘slut’ rather than polyamorous.

“We use that word very defiantly to open up people’s definitions of how powerful sexuality can be.”

They use the word slut to encompass all forms of open, honest and ethical sexuality, from swinging to open relationships to triads, quads and communities.

But how can we possibly love more than one person at once?

Most people do, at least at some point in their lives.

It's nice to see more and more media offering a basic explanation of polyamory.

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Posted in: open,polyamory

Frequently Asked Question: Why Do Polyamorists Get Married?

The question is asked as though the person asking assumes that actual monogamy is a requirement for marriage. It isn’t in most places, even though current marriage laws will only allow monogamy in the legal sense.

For the purpose of this question and answer, I will include any form of honest nonmonogamy, or any label applied, such as open relationship, open marriage, swinging, swapping, polyamory, polyfidelity and polygamy.

Why do swingers get married?

Why do people in open relationships get married?

Why do polyamorous people get married?

The short answer is: For the same reason most other people get married. They want to get married, they think it is the best thing to do at that time in life, or they’re pressured.



There are many reasons to get married, and as I noted, one doesn’t actually need to be monogamous to get married, unless one wants to be ethical and married to someone who needs and demands monogamy. People get married for love, for attraction, for companionship, to solemnize or make official their relationship, for religious reasons, to make a public statement, for sex, for children, for friendship, for benefits, for insurance, to pool resources, to co-parent, for career, for money, as a form of commitment, to apply a legal structure to their relationship, and for other reasons I’m probably forgetting. Nonmonogamists who marry do so for one or more of these reasons, just like anyone else.

Some people cite the marriage vow of "forsaking all others." But that is just ONE vow, not one that all people marrying make. The vow can also mean different things to different marriages.

Some nonmonogamists decline to marry for various reasons. Some, like some monogamists, have decided to decline until everyone can get married. Some decline to marry until everyone in their polycule can marry. Some can’t have a legal marriage for their polycule until there is full marriage equality.

The question can also be asked of monogamists: Why do you get married? Not only is actual monogamy not a requirement, in many places, of our restrictive marriage laws, but one can be monogamous without being married.

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Posted in: FAQ,group,open,polyamory,polygamy,swinging

True Tales of Polyamory

Polyamory is now a regular topic in media, it seems, and that's a good thing. At refinery29.com, Claire Litton-Cohn writes up "3 Fascinating and True Stories" of polyamory.

Every polyamorous relationship relies on open discussion of rules and boundaries; there is a running joke among poly people that you always spend way more time talking about your feelings than you do having sex with your multiple partners.

It can seem that way.

Story 1...

Karen is in her early 30s. She lives in Toronto with a male partner, whom she has been dating for over five years, and has a woman she considers her life partner, whom she has been close to for approximately three years. She also has other relationships, including a serious boyfriend who lives in the United States, and both her live-in partner and life partner have other relationships as well.

She says...

"There are a heap of benefits. Having the freedom to explore new feelings with people, being able to be honest with my partners and lovers (and allowing them to be honest with me), feeling like I'm connected to a web of love and care. There are also so many small moments of joy: cooking a meal for my partners or being excited to hear about a partner's new love."

Story 2...

Rina is an engineer in her mid-30s living in San Francisco. She was in a polyamorous relationship for five years with a married man that eventually ended after she realized that her partner's relationship with her was interfering with his stated desires to have children with his wife.

She says...

"I have yet to see anyone pull it off without major doses of drama and bulls--- and ego and pain." 

 That sounds like long-term intimate relationships in general.

Story 3...

Ben lives in New York and is in his late 20s. While he has been nonmonogamous with a partner, he has never been in a polyamorous relationship.

He says...

"Poly involves a lot of communication and scheduling, so much so that I'd think it'd be hard to even realize if you're in a relationship—or if you are, what is it? Perhaps the ambiguity of where things could go or progress or how to get more 'serious' would bother me."

You can read it all here along with comments. People are people, so for the most part, problems you might find in other relationships will be found in polyamorous ones. Some polyamorous relationships are closed, some are open. Some are good, some... not so much. People should be allowed their own path, and not forced into a narrow heteromonogamous mold.

Read more »

Posted in: open,polyamory

Polyamory Is Not Just For Couples

Angi Becker Stevens writes at huffingtonpost.com to clear up a misunderstand about polyamorous relationships...

Over the past few years, polyamory has become a more widely known term and practice. And perhaps inevitably, certain misconceptions and misunderstandings about what "polyamory" means have become widespread as well.

That's for sure. There are so many different ways polyamory can be experienced, and people often base their perception, or mistaken understanding, on one example. 

It would be unfortunately difficult to say which among these misunderstandings is the most common, or the most hurtful to polyamorous folks. But there's one in particular that I'd like to discuss: the idea that "polyamory" means "committed couple who have casual partners on the side."

That's just one of many ways polyamory can be experienced.

Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core "couple" at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the "man" in the relationship and the other must be the "woman." After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of "the one" and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously. 

She goes on to explain the problems this can cause and how people can avoid insulting polyamorous people. It is a very good thing to read.

Read more »

Posted in: family reaction,myths,open,polyamory,quads,swinging,triads

Polyamory Is Not Just For Couples

Angi Becker Stevens writes at huffingtonpost.com to clear up a misunderstand about polyamorous relationships...

Over the past few years, polyamory has become a more widely known term and practice. And perhaps inevitably, certain misconceptions and misunderstandings about what "polyamory" means have become widespread as well.

That's for sure. There are so many different ways polyamory can be experienced, and people often base their perception, or mistaken understanding, on one example. 

It would be unfortunately difficult to say which among these misunderstandings is the most common, or the most hurtful to polyamorous folks. But there's one in particular that I'd like to discuss: the idea that "polyamory" means "committed couple who have casual partners on the side."

That's just one of many ways polyamory can be experienced.

Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core "couple" at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the "man" in the relationship and the other must be the "woman." After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of "the one" and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously. 

She goes on to explain the problems this can cause and how people can avoid insulting polyamorous people. It is a very good thing to read.

Read more »

Posted in: family reaction,myths,open,polyamory,quads,swinging,triads

3rd International Conference on the Future of Monogamy and Nonmonogamy

Ethical nonmonogamy will continue to gain understanding, acceptance, and recognition as we move towards full marriage equality and relationship right for all. Conferences like this one will help with the process. From the website...

This event will happen February 21-23, 2014, in Berkeley, California, USA.

This conference will explore issues related to monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships from an interdisciplinary perspective. This event will be devoted to presentations of scientific and academic research related to polyamory, open relationships, swinging, other forms of consensual nonmonogamy and related subjects. The conference does not take a position on whether any particular type or style of relationship is healthy or pathological. The intention of the event is explore the subject in as objective and unbiased a manner as possible. Presentations will cover various topics that offer some possible progress to a deeper and more complete understanding of the phenomenon of consensual nonmonogamy.

This event will happen at:
THE CLARK KERR CONFERENCE CENTER, BUILDING #14, UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY
The street address of the event is:
2601 WARRING STREET,
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, 94720.

Read more »

Posted in: academia,boundaries,group,monogamy,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,swinging

Is Jenny Erikson Stir Crazy?

Jenny Erikson decided to spew confusion and ignorance at thestir.cafemom.com in a piece titled "Forget Gay Marriage & Polygamy -- It's Open Marriages That Destroy Families"...

You know the story: Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy invites another girl into their bed, and girl is strangely ok with it, because she has her own lesbian lover on the side anyway.

Wait, what?

Welcome to polyamory, the strange perversion of what love in marriage looks like.

Perversion?

The situation described is only one example of polyamory. Polyamory takes many, many forms.



She references Showtime's Polyamory series.

They claim that polyamory is the answer to our “divorce woes.”

Greater acceptance of polyamory, but even more so full marriage equality and relationship right for all adults, is one thing that will reduce divorces. Fewer people will be pressured into marriages they shouldn't get into. Fewer married people will feel a need to divorce.

Half of all marriages end in divorce, so the best way to combat that statistic is to eradicate the stability of marriage between committed partners?

She makes the mistake of equating polyamory with destabilization. In many cases, polyamory increases stability. Need a word picture? OK. How stable in a bicycle? How stable is a tricycle?

Agree or not, at least gay and polygamous marriages show some sort of committed union between adults -- promises to stay together for life. Of course promises get broken, but how can you raise children in such chaos that no promise is ever even made, let alone attempted to be lived?

Ah, so her problem (or so she wants us to believe) is that they are not legally married. Well, support the polyamorous freedom to marry and you'll see more polyamorists get married. Meanwhile, many monogamists are together, many raising children, while unmarried.

Kids with gay parents or more than one mom will have some stuff to overcome, even if for no other reason than it’s not the societal norm -- but at least they know where they belong.

So do children of polyamorists.

When parents are committed, the child’s home life is stable. But what happens when Dad’s girlfriend, who is acting as a surrogate mother, decides it’s time for her to move on? I can only imagine the psychological damage to a child who has to live with a revolving door of his parents’ various love interests.

By "committed" she means "legally married." And yet, there are many children in unstable homes with parents who are married and professed monogamists. She writes as though there is no such thing as unilateral no-fault divorce, when it is happening every day, in every neighborhood. Many children of  "monogamous" parents "live with a revolving door" of parents' various love interests. Where is her evidence that children in polyamorous homes are suffering? She doesn't have any, because there isn't any; rather, the studies so far appear to demonstrate that children in polyamorous families do quite well. I've seen it personally. Has she bothered to see for herself?

Then readers get this question tagged on to the end...

Do you think open marriages are a viable alternative to divorce?

Open marriages and polyamory are not synonymous. But to answer the question, some divorces are going to happen regardless. Perhaps in some divorces can be avoided by opening up the marriage or transitioning to polyfidelity.

Then I saw this "about the author"...

Jenny Erikson is a conservative chick living in Southern California with her two daughters.

Two daughters. No husband? No wife? What happened to monogamous stability? What happened to commitment?

The opinion piece focuses entirely on imagined detriments to children. What about polyamorists who do not have children? What does Erikson have to say about them, I wonder?

People who equate polyamory with a lack of commitment are speaking either from ignorance or hostility. Polamory often involves more commitment than monogamy.

Polyamorous family exist, including with young children. The sooner we recognize in our laws and our lives that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults, the better off those families, especially the children, will be. Rather than snidely attacking the parents of these children, why not help us reach full marriage equality sooner rather than later?

Read more »

Posted in: children,freedom to marry,media,open,polyamory,prejudice

Is Jenny Erikson Stir Crazy?

Jenny Erikson decided to spew confusion and ignorance at thestir.cafemom.com in a piece titled "Forget Gay Marriage & Polygamy -- It's Open Marriages That Destroy Families"...

You know the story: Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy invites another girl into their bed, and girl is strangely ok with it, because she has her own lesbian lover on the side anyway.

Wait, what?

Welcome to polyamory, the strange perversion of what love in marriage looks like.

Perversion?

The situation described is only one example of polyamory. Polyamory takes many, many forms.



She references Showtime's Polyamory series.

They claim that polyamory is the answer to our “divorce woes.”

Greater acceptance of polyamory, but even more so full marriage equality and relationship right for all adults, is one thing that will reduce divorces. Fewer people will be pressured into marriages they shouldn't get into. Fewer married people will feel a need to divorce.

Half of all marriages end in divorce, so the best way to combat that statistic is to eradicate the stability of marriage between committed partners?

She makes the mistake of equating polyamory with destabilization. In many cases, polyamory increases stability. Need a word picture? OK. How stable in a bicycle? How stable is a tricycle?

Agree or not, at least gay and polygamous marriages show some sort of committed union between adults -- promises to stay together for life. Of course promises get broken, but how can you raise children in such chaos that no promise is ever even made, let alone attempted to be lived?

Ah, so her problem (or so she wants us to believe) is that they are not legally married. Well, support the polyamorous freedom to marry and you'll see more polyamorists get married. Meanwhile, many monogamists are together, many raising children, while unmarried.

Kids with gay parents or more than one mom will have some stuff to overcome, even if for no other reason than it’s not the societal norm -- but at least they know where they belong.

So do children of polyamorists.

When parents are committed, the child’s home life is stable. But what happens when Dad’s girlfriend, who is acting as a surrogate mother, decides it’s time for her to move on? I can only imagine the psychological damage to a child who has to live with a revolving door of his parents’ various love interests.

By "committed" she means "legally married." And yet, there are many children in unstable homes with parents who are married and professed monogamists. She writes as though there is no such thing as unilateral no-fault divorce, when it is happening every day, in every neighborhood. Many children of  "monogamous" parents "live with a revolving door" of parents' various love interests. Where is her evidence that children in polyamorous homes are suffering? She doesn't have any, because there isn't any; rather, the studies so far appear to demonstrate that children in polyamorous families do quite well. I've seen it personally. Has she bothered to see for herself?

Then readers get this question tagged on to the end...

Do you think open marriages are a viable alternative to divorce?

Open marriages and polyamory are not synonymous. But to answer the question, some divorces are going to happen regardless. Perhaps in some divorces can be avoided by opening up the marriage or transitioning to polyfidelity.

Then I saw this "about the author"...

Jenny Erikson is a conservative chick living in Southern California with her two daughters.

Two daughters. No husband? No wife? What happened to monogamous stability? What happened to commitment?

The opinion piece focuses entirely on imagined detriments to children. What about polyamorists who do not have children? What does Erikson have to say about them, I wonder?

People who equate polyamory with a lack of commitment are speaking either from ignorance or hostility. Polamory often involves more commitment than monogamy.

Polyamorous family exist, including with young children. The sooner we recognize in our laws and our lives that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults, the better off those families, especially the children, will be. Rather than snidely attacking the parents of these children, why not help us reach full marriage equality sooner rather than later?

Read more »

Posted in: children,freedom to marry,media,open,polyamory,prejudice

Entertainment Media Needs a Fresh Perspective

Movie and television stars in the US are still expected, judging by media coverage, to have love lives that fall into a few narrow molds, and many apparently feel the pressure to present themselves as hetero-monogamous. Gays and lesbians are becoming more accepted, but many are still closeted or avoid public appearances with their partners. Bisexuality is accepted in women much more than men. For the most part, stars are expected to be monogamous, or at least serially monogamous; dates or encounters with others are portrayed as scandalous or a sign that their prior known relationship is over. There are a few exceptions, such as Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, but for the most part, stars are "supposed" to be with just one person or just date casually.

Anyone who thinks for more than a minute beyond the superficial publicist-prepared portrayals realizes that there must be stars who haven't come out as LGBT or polyamorous, or in open relationships, or as swingers or swappers, just by percentages alone.

I bring all of this up because of something at thedailybeast.com by Tricia Romano under the headline "What's So Bad About an Open Marriage?" It starts off with reports of Will Smith, perhaps, getting "too close" with someone who is not his wife.

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. (Getty)

But in April, Jada Smith told Huff Post Live: “I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be OK. Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man,” she said. “It comes from respecting that you are in a partnership and that also you are an individual as well.”

Later, she clarified in a Facebook post: “Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.”

Grown is a good word.

People are often threatened by open relationships, says Rachel Kramer Bussel, a sex writer and editor of The Big Book of Orgasms, because it seems so exotic and weird when compared to the status quo.

“We just don’t have any formal model for a public couple having an open relationship."

That's a very important point. We need more honest portrayals not only in fiction, but in nonfiction as well.

There is at least one celebrity who is open about her relationship: Mo’Nique has told Barbara Walters she’s got an understanding with her husband.

She said: “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker,” she says. “That’s not something that would make us say, ‘Pack your things and let’s end the marriage.’ What if it’s 20 times? So what? we’ve been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

Good for them!

It's a good article, although I would've liked some clarification of terms. An "open marriage" is not synonymous with polyamory. There are many people in polyamorous relationships that are not open, for example. There are stars who haven't been outed as LGBT, or as asexual, or as polyamorous, or as in open relationships, or in consangiunamorous relationships. They are people and they have their sexual orientation, gender identity, and relationships that do not have to be ours to know, but I will support any of them that do come out and be grateful that in doing so, they help move us towards all adults being free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,cheating,coming out,media,monogamy,open,polyamory,prejudice

Entertainment Media Needs a Fresh Perspective

Movie and television stars in the US are still expected, judging by media coverage, to have love lives that fall into a few narrow molds, and many apparently feel the pressure to present themselves as hetero-monogamous. Gays and lesbians are becoming more accepted, but many are still closeted or avoid public appearances with their partners. Bisexuality is accepted in women much more than men. For the most part, stars are expected to be monogamous, or at least serially monogamous; dates or encounters with others are portrayed as scandalous or a sign that their prior known relationship is over. There are a few exceptions, such as Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, but for the most part, stars are "supposed" to be with just one person or just date casually.

Anyone who thinks for more than a minute beyond the superficial publicist-prepared portrayals realizes that there must be stars who haven't come out as LGBT or polyamorous, or in open relationships, or as swingers or swappers, just by percentages alone.

I bring all of this up because of something at thedailybeast.com by Tricia Romano under the headline "What's So Bad About an Open Marriage?" It starts off with reports of Will Smith, perhaps, getting "too close" with someone who is not his wife.

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. (Getty)

But in April, Jada Smith told Huff Post Live: “I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be OK. Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man,” she said. “It comes from respecting that you are in a partnership and that also you are an individual as well.”

Later, she clarified in a Facebook post: “Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.”

Grown is a good word.

People are often threatened by open relationships, says Rachel Kramer Bussel, a sex writer and editor of The Big Book of Orgasms, because it seems so exotic and weird when compared to the status quo.

“We just don’t have any formal model for a public couple having an open relationship."

That's a very important point. We need more honest portrayals not only in fiction, but in nonfiction as well.

There is at least one celebrity who is open about her relationship: Mo’Nique has told Barbara Walters she’s got an understanding with her husband.

She said: “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker,” she says. “That’s not something that would make us say, ‘Pack your things and let’s end the marriage.’ What if it’s 20 times? So what? we’ve been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

Good for them!

It's a good article, although I would've liked some clarification of terms. An "open marriage" is not synonymous with polyamory. There are many people in polyamorous relationships that are not open, for example. There are stars who haven't been outed as LGBT, or as asexual, or as polyamorous, or as in open relationships, or in consangiunamorous relationships. They are people and they have their sexual orientation, gender identity, and relationships that do not have to be ours to know, but I will support any of them that do come out and be grateful that in doing so, they help move us towards all adults being free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,cheating,coming out,media,monogamy,open,polyamory,prejudice

How Nonmonogamous People Can Avoid Trouble

Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex and relationships between adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving, happy, and lasting the relationships are. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to the persecution and prosecution of consanguinamorous people, polyamorists, polygamists, and other ethical nonmonogamists can face discrimination and even prosecution.

Some awesome people put together a very helpful lists of state laws for polyamorous people in the US or considering moving to the US. First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:

The focus of this blog is consenting adults. This blog does not advocate anyone engage in activity that is currently illegal in their jurisdiction; it does advocate changing or repealing any law that prevents the freedom of association, love, and full marriage equality for adults. This blog condemns rape, sexual assault, and child molestation, and does not provide medical, therapeutic, legal, financial, or cooking advice. This blog links to other sites for informational purposes; it does not necessarily support everything at those links.

OK, with that out of the way, I'll continue as a friend.

Please keep in mind that while a state may not have a law against "fornication" (sex outside of a legal marriage), "adultery" (when a married person has sex with someone other than her or his legal spouse), or cohabitation, it might still criminalize consensual sex between close relatives (whether genetically related, steprelation, or adoptive). For more information about that, see here. Also, laws on the books may be rarely or selectively enforced, so it it s good to consult an attorney familiar with the laws of a state as well as actual criminal and civil cases in that state and general legal climate.

While most nonmonogamists never get prosecuted or sued, the threat is always there in many places.

With states that allow a legally married spouse to get an advantage in a divorce by citing adultery or sue their spouse's lover for financial compensation, the only way to be sure of avoiding a problem is to simply avoid the risk entirely by not getting involved with someone who is legally married, or, if you are legally married, not getting involved with anyone other than your spouse. Even if everyone is enthusiastic at first or at the time of the sex or relationship, someone can still use the law to get what they see as revenge should things tum cold.

State By State


All 50 US states have statutes against bigamy/polygamy (multiple licensed marriages). In most states, bigamy is a felony.

In the following states, bigamy is a misdemeanor. However, once the penalty is paid, you are back at square one.

Alaska
Arkansas
Hawaii (petty misdemeanor-- 30 days in jail)
Iowa
Maine
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
New Jersey
Ohio
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island (misdemeanor, $1000)
Tennessee
Texas

The following lists are ordered by which states have the most promise statutorily. The first list is the best, the last list is the worst.

The following states, have no statutes against  fornication, adultery, or cohabitation, and they also do not recognize common-law marriages (which assigns marital status to people who might not want to be considered married).

California
Hawaii
Nevada
Oregon
Washington

The following states have statutes that concern adultery, but none for fornication, cohabitation, or common-law marriage. In some of them adultery is grounds for divorce only. In others the offending spouse simply forfeits any rights to the innocent spouse's estate. In the rest of them, adultery is a crime that can only be prosecuted by the offended spouse. In a successful polygamous relationship, these need not be obstructive. If the relationship fails, however, the statutory adulterer will be charged.

Connecticut
Delaware
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland (Adultery results in a $10 fine and is grounds for divorce)
Missouri
New Jersey
Ohio
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas (Texas does recognize common-law marriages, but apparently only if they are registered with the county clerk)
Vermont

Both states make adultery and fornication misdemeanors, although in Illinois the conduct must be "open and notorious." For interest's sake, we have listed all of the states whose statutes are no worse than Georgia or Illinois. This only means that in these states you are as likely as not, to be able to find a lawyer who will talk to you.

Arizona
Georgia
Illinois
Michigan
Minnesota
New Hampshire (New Hampshire recognizes common-law marriages, but only for inheritance purposes after death)
New Mexico
New York
North Dakota

The following states have laws against cohabitation.

Alabama
Alaska
Arkansas
Florida
Massachusetts
Mississippi
Nebraska
North Carolina
South Carolina
Virginia
West Virginia
Wyoming

The following states recognize common-law marriages, or else make adultery a felony, and are not on the previous lists.

Colorado
Idaho
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
Utah
Washington D.C.
Wisconsin

How do people minimize the risk of losing in court? What can nonmonogamists do to protect themselves? Any of these steps might help...

1) Consult a lawyer. I am not a lawyer. A criminal defense or family law attorney might be someone well worth consulting.

2) Move to more enlightened states or countries.

3) Be careful who you tell and what you tell them. In the US, we have a Constitutional right against self-incrimination (see 5th Amendment) and the right to remain silent when arrested by law enforcement. It's a good idea when dealing with police to give them polite, brief "yes" or "no" or "I don't know" or "I don't remember" answers unless even one of those could incriminate you. In the US, you also have the right to an attorney and it is a good idea speak up and ask for a lawyer if you're held or taken in by police. Also in the US, unless there is imminent danger to someone, you don't have the let police into your home without a search warrant, and even search warrants can have limits. YOU may think something is obvious and gives you away, the police may even have figured it out, but staying silent about it can still protect you.

4) Be careful what you document. Many lovers enjoy taking video or pictures of themselves having fun with each other, but for the nonmonogamous, such media, if it falls into the wrong hands, can be trouble.

5) Have a cover story. Anticipate questions, whether from those you know you or those who don't who might not approve. Historically, it isn't unusual for a home to have three or more adults.

6) Know your risk in raising children. Not only will children have to deal with the prejudice of others, but children may also provide testimony that goes against you, often unwittingly.

7) Stick to private places and lock the door when you get to the fun.

Note that most ethicists say it is OK to lie to authorities who are trying to enforce unjust laws or policies. An extreme example is a Nazi SS officer asking you, "Are you hiding any Jews here?" It was ethical to say "No." Well, I think that applies here, too, though the situation is not as extreme. It is nobody else's business if adults are having consensual sex or relationships.

This advice shouldn't even be necessary, but until we get to the point where we have relationship rights for all adults, including full marriage equality, nonmonogamists should think about protecting themselves. Of course, some level of trouble is necessary to make change. Laws need to be overturned in courts or changed by legislatures, but it is up to each set of lovers to decide for themselves if they want to come out of the closet and to push for those things. The more other people realize that ethical nonomonogamy is a reality all around them, the sooner the persecution will be greatly reduced.

Police officers usually have some wiggle-room when it comes to investigating or arresting people can can look the other way if they choose. Prosecutors can choose not to prosecute. Judges can dismiss cases. Juries can refuse to convict (research jury nullification). So I beg these people to let consenting adults love each other without harassment, without prosecution.

Do you have any suggestions? Any tales to tell about what you've done to protect yourself? What do you think, dear reader? Leave a comment or email me.

Read more »

Posted in: bigamy,boundaries,cheating,FAQ,lack of equality harms,law,love,open,persecution,polyamory,polygamy,prejudice,swinging,US

Why More Will Try Polyamory

Thanks to psychologytoday.com for continuing to feature good content respecting polyamorous families and individuals. Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D has another good writeup there, titled "Fear of the Polyamorous Possibility." It is about why some people feel threatened by polyamory.

There are three common reactions, she says, to the realization that polyamory is a possibility. You'll have to click through if you want to read about those, but I wanted to note that she explains why there is the potential of a much larger percentage of the population having polyamorous relationships.

Among forms of sexual nonconformity, polyamory is unusual in that it could potentially be appealing to everyone who desires intimate relationships with other people. Most people are heterosexual, and it is readily apparent that not every one experiences same-sex sexual attraction or desire. In other words, not everyone has the capacity or desire to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Unless they are monogamous by orientation, however, most people in long-term relationships -- regardless of sexual orientation -- have had the experience of being attracted to someone else besides their partner. Almost everyone has the potential to be polyamorous in a way that many people do not have that same potential to be gay.

Just about anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, no matter how happy they have been in that relationship, has experienced a desire for, or daydream of, doing something with someone that might not be considered appropriate, and not because they want to betray or hurt the other person in the relationship, but because they find this "third" person fascinating, attractive, or they share something in common. It doesn't have to be sexual. It could be an emotional connection, or simply wanting to share some recreational experience. It could be going to a concert, or hiking and camping in a specific spot, a mutual interest in a style of dance or cuisine. Or, it could be entirely sexual, or romantic, or emotional. There are so very many ways that polyamory can be experienced, and many people who don't need polyamory can still want and enjoy at least a season in which they have more than one relationship, without lying or sneaking around.

Despite the claims of some bigots, adopting the same-gender freedom to marry and eliminating other forms of prejudice against LGBT people does not make one more person gay or lesbian. Removing discrimination against ethical nonmonogamy, and especially adopting the polygamous freedom to marry, will mean more people will enjoy polyamory, because you don't have to need polyamory to enjoy polyamory.

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Posted in: lack of equality harms,open,polyamory,stigma

Why More Will Try Polyamory

Thanks to psychologytoday.com for continuing to feature good content respecting polyamorous families and individuals. Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D has another good writeup there, titled "Fear of the Polyamorous Possibility." It is about why some people feel threatened by polyamory.

There are three common reactions, she says, to the realization that polyamory is a possibility. You'll have to click through if you want to read about those, but I wanted to note that she explains why there is the potential of a much larger percentage of the population having polyamorous relationships.

Among forms of sexual nonconformity, polyamory is unusual in that it could potentially be appealing to everyone who desires intimate relationships with other people. Most people are heterosexual, and it is readily apparent that not every one experiences same-sex sexual attraction or desire. In other words, not everyone has the capacity or desire to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Unless they are monogamous by orientation, however, most people in long-term relationships -- regardless of sexual orientation -- have had the experience of being attracted to someone else besides their partner. Almost everyone has the potential to be polyamorous in a way that many people do not have that same potential to be gay.

Just about anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, no matter how happy they have been in that relationship, has experienced a desire for, or daydream of, doing something with someone that might not be considered appropriate, and not because they want to betray or hurt the other person in the relationship, but because they find this "third" person fascinating, attractive, or they share something in common. It doesn't have to be sexual. It could be an emotional connection, or simply wanting to share some recreational experience. It could be going to a concert, or hiking and camping in a specific spot, a mutual interest in a style of dance or cuisine. Or, it could be entirely sexual, or romantic, or emotional. There are so very many ways that polyamory can be experienced, and many people who don't need polyamory can still want and enjoy at least a season in which they have more than one relationship, without lying or sneaking around.

Despite the claims of some bigots, adopting the same-gender freedom to marry and eliminating other forms of prejudice against LGBT people does not make one more person gay or lesbian. Removing discrimination against ethical nonmonogamy, and especially adopting the polygamous freedom to marry, will mean more people will enjoy polyamory, because you don't have to need polyamory to enjoy polyamory.

Read more »

Posted in: lack of equality harms,open,polyamory,stigma

Polyamory Featured in Dear Abby Again

FICKLE IN FORT WAYNE wrote in to the advice columnist...

I'm never happy with just one partner. It's not that I want to go out and have a different man every night of the week -- just some options. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship, so seeing other men is OK.

There's nothing wrong with any of that.

But my boyfriend is now asking me why I feel the way I do because he is considering becoming monogamous again.

That is up to him, although it can't hurt for her to to tell him what her feelings and needs are.

I crave something different from man to man and seek whatever the other one doesn't have. I have been with my fair share of guys, yet there doesn't seem to be one person who has all the qualities I need in my life.

It could be that she is polyamorous as her relationship orientation and thus needs polyamory, and that he is able to be polyamorous, but doesn't need poloyamory.

Should I just stay single and noncommittal forever?

Being polyamorous is certainly not synonymous with being "single" and noncommittal! So many polyamorists are in relationships, and committed ones at that.

Is "fickle" the word that the column editors picked, rather than the writer? I don't think many polyamorists would describe themselves as fickle.

Each person needs to communicate what it is they need, want, and expect. The other person can either continue to see them or not. If the letter writer's boyfriend needs a monogamous woman and wants to be monogamous himself, he will stop seeing the letter writer. She should not promise him something she will not provide. That would not be fair to him, nor would it be fair to her.

This was Dear Abby's response...

Perhaps not forever, but for now, yes, until you meet someone who has more of the qualifications you're looking for. When you do, you may finally realize that in successful relationships some degree of compromise is always involved.

Maybe I'm reading that wrong, but it looks to me kike Dear Abby is assuming the letter writer doesn't need polyamory; that she isn't polyamorous as who she is. She very well may be. The people who write advice comlumns would do well to become educated by the realities of polyamory. It is out of the closet and it ain't going back in. Polyamory is not about being immature, or noncommittal, or confused, or lacking self-control. Although some people can have a polyamorous relationship for a while and then be happy in a monogamous one, for many people, polyamory is not an experiment or a phase. It is about who they are. Like being left-handed. And some some, they've been happy in monogamous relationships before but not find that polyamory is better for them. Monogamy isn't for everyone, and it isn't what is best for everyone.

The third letter in that edition of the column is about intergenerational relationships.

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Posted in: media,open,polyamory