How Nonmonogamous People Can Avoid Trouble

Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex and relationships between adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving, happy, and lasting the relationships are. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to the persecution and prosecution of consanguinamorous people, polyamorists, polygamists, and other ethical nonmonogamists can face discrimination and even prosecution.

Some awesome people put together a very helpful lists of state laws for polyamorous people in the US or considering moving to the US. First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:

The focus of this blog is consenting adults. This blog does not advocate anyone engage in activity that is currently illegal in their jurisdiction; it does advocate changing or repealing any law that prevents the freedom of association, love, and full marriage equality for adults. This blog condemns rape, sexual assault, and child molestation, and does not provide medical, therapeutic, legal, financial, or cooking advice. This blog links to other sites for informational purposes; it does not necessarily support everything at those links.

OK, with that out of the way, I'll continue as a friend.

Please keep in mind that while a state may not have a law against "fornication" (sex outside of a legal marriage), "adultery" (when a married person has sex with someone other than her or his legal spouse), or cohabitation, it might still criminalize consensual sex between close relatives (whether genetically related, steprelation, or adoptive). For more information about that, see here. Also, laws on the books may be rarely or selectively enforced, so it it s good to consult an attorney familiar with the laws of a state as well as actual criminal and civil cases in that state and general legal climate.

While most nonmonogamists never get prosecuted or sued, the threat is always there in many places.

With states that allow a legally married spouse to get an advantage in a divorce by citing adultery or sue their spouse's lover for financial compensation, the only way to be sure of avoiding a problem is to simply avoid the risk entirely by not getting involved with someone who is legally married, or, if you are legally married, not getting involved with anyone other than your spouse. Even if everyone is enthusiastic at first or at the time of the sex or relationship, someone can still use the law to get what they see as revenge should things tum cold.

State By State


All 50 US states have statutes against bigamy/polygamy (multiple licensed marriages). In most states, bigamy is a felony.

In the following states, bigamy is a misdemeanor. However, once the penalty is paid, you are back at square one.

Alaska
Arkansas
Hawaii (petty misdemeanor-- 30 days in jail)
Iowa
Maine
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
New Jersey
Ohio
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island (misdemeanor, $1000)
Tennessee
Texas

The following lists are ordered by which states have the most promise statutorily. The first list is the best, the last list is the worst.

The following states, have no statutes against  fornication, adultery, or cohabitation, and they also do not recognize common-law marriages (which assigns marital status to people who might not want to be considered married).

California
Hawaii
Nevada
Oregon
Washington

The following states have statutes that concern adultery, but none for fornication, cohabitation, or common-law marriage. In some of them adultery is grounds for divorce only. In others the offending spouse simply forfeits any rights to the innocent spouse's estate. In the rest of them, adultery is a crime that can only be prosecuted by the offended spouse. In a successful polygamous relationship, these need not be obstructive. If the relationship fails, however, the statutory adulterer will be charged.

Connecticut
Delaware
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland (Adultery results in a $10 fine and is grounds for divorce)
Missouri
New Jersey
Ohio
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas (Texas does recognize common-law marriages, but apparently only if they are registered with the county clerk)
Vermont

Both states make adultery and fornication misdemeanors, although in Illinois the conduct must be "open and notorious." For interest's sake, we have listed all of the states whose statutes are no worse than Georgia or Illinois. This only means that in these states you are as likely as not, to be able to find a lawyer who will talk to you.

Arizona
Georgia
Illinois
Michigan
Minnesota
New Hampshire (New Hampshire recognizes common-law marriages, but only for inheritance purposes after death)
New Mexico
New York
North Dakota

The following states have laws against cohabitation.

Alabama
Alaska
Arkansas
Florida
Massachusetts
Mississippi
Nebraska
North Carolina
South Carolina
Virginia
West Virginia
Wyoming

The following states recognize common-law marriages, or else make adultery a felony, and are not on the previous lists.

Colorado
Idaho
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
Utah
Washington D.C.
Wisconsin

How do people minimize the risk of losing in court? What can nonmonogamists do to protect themselves? Any of these steps might help...

1) Consult a lawyer. I am not a lawyer. A criminal defense or family law attorney might be someone well worth consulting.

2) Move to more enlightened states or countries.

3) Be careful who you tell and what you tell them. In the US, we have a Constitutional right against self-incrimination (see 5th Amendment) and the right to remain silent when arrested by law enforcement. It's a good idea when dealing with police to give them polite, brief "yes" or "no" or "I don't know" or "I don't remember" answers unless even one of those could incriminate you. In the US, you also have the right to an attorney and it is a good idea speak up and ask for a lawyer if you're held or taken in by police. Also in the US, unless there is imminent danger to someone, you don't have the let police into your home without a search warrant, and even search warrants can have limits. YOU may think something is obvious and gives you away, the police may even have figured it out, but staying silent about it can still protect you.

4) Be careful what you document. Many lovers enjoy taking video or pictures of themselves having fun with each other, but for the nonmonogamous, such media, if it falls into the wrong hands, can be trouble.

5) Have a cover story. Anticipate questions, whether from those you know you or those who don't who might not approve. Historically, it isn't unusual for a home to have three or more adults.

6) Know your risk in raising children. Not only will children have to deal with the prejudice of others, but children may also provide testimony that goes against you, often unwittingly.

7) Stick to private places and lock the door when you get to the fun.

Note that most ethicists say it is OK to lie to authorities who are trying to enforce unjust laws or policies. An extreme example is a Nazi SS officer asking you, "Are you hiding any Jews here?" It was ethical to say "No." Well, I think that applies here, too, though the situation is not as extreme. It is nobody else's business if adults are having consensual sex or relationships.

This advice shouldn't even be necessary, but until we get to the point where we have relationship rights for all adults, including full marriage equality, nonmonogamists should think about protecting themselves. Of course, some level of trouble is necessary to make change. Laws need to be overturned in courts or changed by legislatures, but it is up to each set of lovers to decide for themselves if they want to come out of the closet and to push for those things. The more other people realize that ethical nonomonogamy is a reality all around them, the sooner the persecution will be greatly reduced.

Police officers usually have some wiggle-room when it comes to investigating or arresting people can can look the other way if they choose. Prosecutors can choose not to prosecute. Judges can dismiss cases. Juries can refuse to convict (research jury nullification). So I beg these people to let consenting adults love each other without harassment, without prosecution.

Do you have any suggestions? Any tales to tell about what you've done to protect yourself? What do you think, dear reader? Leave a comment or email me.

Read more »

Posted in: bigamy,boundaries,cheating,FAQ,lack of equality harms,law,love,open,persecution,polyamory,polygamy,prejudice,swinging,US

19 Responses to Anti-Polyamory

Much thanks to MultipleMatch.com for running my defense of ethical nonmonogamy, such as polyamory, polygamy, and so on.

Click here to read "19 Responses for Answering Anti-Polyamory & Plural Marriage"

Bumped up.

Read more »

Posted in: group,myths,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,swinging

Frequently Asked Question: Why Do Polyamorists Get Married?

The question is asked as though the person asking assumes that actual monogamy is a requirement for marriage. It isn’t in most places, even though current marriage laws will only allow monogamy in the legal sense.

For the purpose of this question and answer, I will include any form of honest nonmonogamy, or any label applied, such as open relationship, open marriage, swinging, swapping, polyamory, polyfidelity and polygamy.

Why do swingers get married?

Why do people in open relationships get married?

Why do polyamorous people get married?

The short answer is: For the same reason most other people get married. They want to get married, they think it is the best thing to do at that time in life, or they’re pressured.



There are many reasons to get married, and as I noted, one doesn’t actually need to be monogamous to get married, unless one wants to be ethical and married to someone who needs and demands monogamy. People get married for love, for attraction, for companionship, to solemnize or make official their relationship, for religious reasons, to make a public statement, for sex, for children, for friendship, for benefits, for insurance, to pool resources, to co-parent, for career, for money, as a form of commitment, to apply a legal structure to their relationship, and for other reasons I’m probably forgetting. Nonmonogamists who marry do so for one or more of these reasons, just like anyone else.

Some people cite the marriage vow of "forsaking all others." But that is just ONE vow, not one that all people marrying make. The vow can also mean different things to different marriages.

Some nonmonogamists decline to marry for various reasons. Some, like some monogamists, have decided to decline until everyone can get married. Some decline to marry until everyone in their polycule can marry. Some can’t have a legal marriage for their polycule until there is full marriage equality.

The question can also be asked of monogamists: Why do you get married? Not only is actual monogamy not a requirement, in many places, of our restrictive marriage laws, but one can be monogamous without being married.

Read more »

Posted in: FAQ,group,open,polyamory,polygamy,swinging

Polyamory Is Not Just For Couples

Angi Becker Stevens writes at huffingtonpost.com to clear up a misunderstand about polyamorous relationships...

Over the past few years, polyamory has become a more widely known term and practice. And perhaps inevitably, certain misconceptions and misunderstandings about what "polyamory" means have become widespread as well.

That's for sure. There are so many different ways polyamory can be experienced, and people often base their perception, or mistaken understanding, on one example. 

It would be unfortunately difficult to say which among these misunderstandings is the most common, or the most hurtful to polyamorous folks. But there's one in particular that I'd like to discuss: the idea that "polyamory" means "committed couple who have casual partners on the side."

That's just one of many ways polyamory can be experienced.

Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core "couple" at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the "man" in the relationship and the other must be the "woman." After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of "the one" and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously. 

She goes on to explain the problems this can cause and how people can avoid insulting polyamorous people. It is a very good thing to read.

Read more »

Posted in: family reaction,myths,open,polyamory,quads,swinging,triads

Polyamory Is Not Just For Couples

Angi Becker Stevens writes at huffingtonpost.com to clear up a misunderstand about polyamorous relationships...

Over the past few years, polyamory has become a more widely known term and practice. And perhaps inevitably, certain misconceptions and misunderstandings about what "polyamory" means have become widespread as well.

That's for sure. There are so many different ways polyamory can be experienced, and people often base their perception, or mistaken understanding, on one example. 

It would be unfortunately difficult to say which among these misunderstandings is the most common, or the most hurtful to polyamorous folks. But there's one in particular that I'd like to discuss: the idea that "polyamory" means "committed couple who have casual partners on the side."

That's just one of many ways polyamory can be experienced.

Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core "couple" at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the "man" in the relationship and the other must be the "woman." After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of "the one" and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously. 

She goes on to explain the problems this can cause and how people can avoid insulting polyamorous people. It is a very good thing to read.

Read more »

Posted in: family reaction,myths,open,polyamory,quads,swinging,triads

3rd International Conference on the Future of Monogamy and Nonmonogamy

Ethical nonmonogamy will continue to gain understanding, acceptance, and recognition as we move towards full marriage equality and relationship right for all. Conferences like this one will help with the process. From the website...

This event will happen February 21-23, 2014, in Berkeley, California, USA.

This conference will explore issues related to monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships from an interdisciplinary perspective. This event will be devoted to presentations of scientific and academic research related to polyamory, open relationships, swinging, other forms of consensual nonmonogamy and related subjects. The conference does not take a position on whether any particular type or style of relationship is healthy or pathological. The intention of the event is explore the subject in as objective and unbiased a manner as possible. Presentations will cover various topics that offer some possible progress to a deeper and more complete understanding of the phenomenon of consensual nonmonogamy.

This event will happen at:
THE CLARK KERR CONFERENCE CENTER, BUILDING #14, UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY
The street address of the event is:
2601 WARRING STREET,
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, 94720.

Read more »

Posted in: academia,boundaries,group,monogamy,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,swinging

How Nonmonogamous People Can Avoid Trouble

Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex and relationships between adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving, happy, and lasting the relationships are. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to the persecution and prosecution of consanguinamorous people, polyamorists, polygamists, and other ethical nonmonogamists can face discrimination and even prosecution.

Some awesome people put together a very helpful lists of state laws for polyamorous people in the US or considering moving to the US. First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:

The focus of this blog is consenting adults. This blog does not advocate anyone engage in activity that is currently illegal in their jurisdiction; it does advocate changing or repealing any law that prevents the freedom of association, love, and full marriage equality for adults. This blog condemns rape, sexual assault, and child molestation, and does not provide medical, therapeutic, legal, financial, or cooking advice. This blog links to other sites for informational purposes; it does not necessarily support everything at those links.

OK, with that out of the way, I'll continue as a friend.

Please keep in mind that while a state may not have a law against "fornication" (sex outside of a legal marriage), "adultery" (when a married person has sex with someone other than her or his legal spouse), or cohabitation, it might still criminalize consensual sex between close relatives (whether genetically related, steprelation, or adoptive). For more information about that, see here. Also, laws on the books may be rarely or selectively enforced, so it it s good to consult an attorney familiar with the laws of a state as well as actual criminal and civil cases in that state and general legal climate.

While most nonmonogamists never get prosecuted or sued, the threat is always there in many places.

With states that allow a legally married spouse to get an advantage in a divorce by citing adultery or sue their spouse's lover for financial compensation, the only way to be sure of avoiding a problem is to simply avoid the risk entirely by not getting involved with someone who is legally married, or, if you are legally married, not getting involved with anyone other than your spouse. Even if everyone is enthusiastic at first or at the time of the sex or relationship, someone can still use the law to get what they see as revenge should things tum cold.

State By State


All 50 US states have statutes against bigamy/polygamy (multiple licensed marriages). In most states, bigamy is a felony.

In the following states, bigamy is a misdemeanor. However, once the penalty is paid, you are back at square one.

Alaska
Arkansas
Hawaii (petty misdemeanor-- 30 days in jail)
Iowa
Maine
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
New Jersey
Ohio
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island (misdemeanor, $1000)
Tennessee
Texas

The following lists are ordered by which states have the most promise statutorily. The first list is the best, the last list is the worst.

The following states, have no statutes against  fornication, adultery, or cohabitation, and they also do not recognize common-law marriages (which assigns marital status to people who might not want to be considered married).

California
Hawaii
Nevada
Oregon
Washington

The following states have statutes that concern adultery, but none for fornication, cohabitation, or common-law marriage. In some of them adultery is grounds for divorce only. In others the offending spouse simply forfeits any rights to the innocent spouse's estate. In the rest of them, adultery is a crime that can only be prosecuted by the offended spouse. In a successful polygamous relationship, these need not be obstructive. If the relationship fails, however, the statutory adulterer will be charged.

Connecticut
Delaware
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland (Adultery results in a $10 fine and is grounds for divorce)
Missouri
New Jersey
Ohio
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas (Texas does recognize common-law marriages, but apparently only if they are registered with the county clerk)
Vermont

Both states make adultery and fornication misdemeanors, although in Illinois the conduct must be "open and notorious." For interest's sake, we have listed all of the states whose statutes are no worse than Georgia or Illinois. This only means that in these states you are as likely as not, to be able to find a lawyer who will talk to you.

Arizona
Georgia
Illinois
Michigan
Minnesota
New Hampshire (New Hampshire recognizes common-law marriages, but only for inheritance purposes after death)
New Mexico
New York
North Dakota

The following states have laws against cohabitation.

Alabama
Alaska
Arkansas
Florida
Massachusetts
Mississippi
Nebraska
North Carolina
South Carolina
Virginia
West Virginia
Wyoming

The following states recognize common-law marriages, or else make adultery a felony, and are not on the previous lists.

Colorado
Idaho
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
Utah
Washington D.C.
Wisconsin

How do people minimize the risk of losing in court? What can nonmonogamists do to protect themselves? Any of these steps might help...

1) Consult a lawyer. I am not a lawyer. A criminal defense or family law attorney might be someone well worth consulting.

2) Move to more enlightened states or countries.

3) Be careful who you tell and what you tell them. In the US, we have a Constitutional right against self-incrimination (see 5th Amendment) and the right to remain silent when arrested by law enforcement. It's a good idea when dealing with police to give them polite, brief "yes" or "no" or "I don't know" or "I don't remember" answers unless even one of those could incriminate you. In the US, you also have the right to an attorney and it is a good idea speak up and ask for a lawyer if you're held or taken in by police. Also in the US, unless there is imminent danger to someone, you don't have the let police into your home without a search warrant, and even search warrants can have limits. YOU may think something is obvious and gives you away, the police may even have figured it out, but staying silent about it can still protect you.

4) Be careful what you document. Many lovers enjoy taking video or pictures of themselves having fun with each other, but for the nonmonogamous, such media, if it falls into the wrong hands, can be trouble.

5) Have a cover story. Anticipate questions, whether from those you know you or those who don't who might not approve. Historically, it isn't unusual for a home to have three or more adults.

6) Know your risk in raising children. Not only will children have to deal with the prejudice of others, but children may also provide testimony that goes against you, often unwittingly.

7) Stick to private places and lock the door when you get to the fun.

Note that most ethicists say it is OK to lie to authorities who are trying to enforce unjust laws or policies. An extreme example is a Nazi SS officer asking you, "Are you hiding any Jews here?" It was ethical to say "No." Well, I think that applies here, too, though the situation is not as extreme. It is nobody else's business if adults are having consensual sex or relationships.

This advice shouldn't even be necessary, but until we get to the point where we have relationship rights for all adults, including full marriage equality, nonmonogamists should think about protecting themselves. Of course, some level of trouble is necessary to make change. Laws need to be overturned in courts or changed by legislatures, but it is up to each set of lovers to decide for themselves if they want to come out of the closet and to push for those things. The more other people realize that ethical nonomonogamy is a reality all around them, the sooner the persecution will be greatly reduced.

Police officers usually have some wiggle-room when it comes to investigating or arresting people can can look the other way if they choose. Prosecutors can choose not to prosecute. Judges can dismiss cases. Juries can refuse to convict (research jury nullification). So I beg these people to let consenting adults love each other without harassment, without prosecution.

Do you have any suggestions? Any tales to tell about what you've done to protect yourself? What do you think, dear reader? Leave a comment or email me.

Read more »

Posted in: bigamy,boundaries,cheating,FAQ,lack of equality harms,law,love,open,persecution,polyamory,polygamy,prejudice,swinging,US

Frequently Asked Question: Why Do Polyamorists Get Married?

The question is asked as though the person asking assumes that actual monogamy is a requirement for marriage. It isn’t in most places, even though current marriage laws will only allow monogamy in the legal sense.

For the purpose of this question and answer, I will include any form of honest nonmonogamy, or any label applied, such as open relationship, open marriage, swinging, swapping, polyamory, polyfidelity and polygamy.

Why do swingers get married?

Why do people in open relationships get married?

Why do polyamorous people get married?

The short answer is: For the same reason most other people get married. They want to get married, they think it is the best thing to do at that time in life, or they’re pressured.



There are many reasons to get married, and as I noted, one doesn’t actually need to be monogamous to get married, unless one wants to be ethical and married to someone who needs and demands monogamy. People get married for love, for attraction, for companionship, to solemnize or make official their relationship, for religious reasons, to make a public statement, for sex, for children, for friendship, for benefits, for insurance, to pool resources, to co-parent, for career, for money, as a form of commitment, to apply a legal structure to their relationship, and for other reasons I’m probably forgetting. Nonmonogamists who marry do so for one or more of these reasons, just like anyone else.

Some people cite the marriage vow of "forsaking all others." But that is just ONE vow, not one that all people marrying make. The vow can also mean different things to different marriages.

Some nonmonogamists decline to marry for various reasons. Some, like some monogamists, have decided to decline until everyone can get married. Some decline to marry until everyone in their polycule can marry. Some can’t have a legal marriage for their polycule until there is full marriage equality.

The question can also be asked of monogamists: Why do you get married? Not only is actual monogamy not a requirement, in many places, of our restrictive marriage laws, but one can be monogamous without being married.

Read more »

Posted in: FAQ,group,open,polyamory,polygamy,swinging

19 Responses to Anti-Polyamory

Much thanks to MultipleMatch.com for running my defense of ethical nonmonogamy, such as polyamory, polygamy, and so on.

Click here to read "19 Responses for Answering Anti-Polyamory & Plural Marriage"

Read more »

Posted in: group,myths,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,swinging

Leontiades Lauds Love, Seeks Solidarity

Louisa Leontiades covers something at huffingtonpost.co.uk that is unavoidable in ethical nonmonogamy circles, and more specifically, in polyamorous circles: differences in relationship structures and guidelines, and how that divides some. Leontiades is founder of MultipleMatch.com, where this piece was previously published.

Those who feel the inclination to love many, have to learn by doing, and are often shunned and shamed whilst doing so, making the pursuit of their relationships a thousand times harder. Indeed the fact that the polyamorous community is growing at all in the face of constant opposition, is a true testament to the power of love... and marginalization. The power that the world gives polyamorists by vilification turns it into a cause, spawning Poly-pride, support groups like PolyLiving  and not for profit organizations like Loving More. 

Polyamory has definitely been coming out of the closet, but with that come some issues.

Unfortunately despite all the good intentions, a minority's struggle for acceptance will always create a 'prisoners' dilemma' and this one is no different. In the non-monogamous community certain relationship configurations are more likely to be accepted if they align themselves to already existing precepts and/or paradigms. For example as the idealised Male-Female-Female triad slowly becomes more acceptable to the general public, it's no coincidence  that it's also the most popular choice for many newly out-of the closet polyamorists; simply because it is the most familiar, comfortable and least controversial. To the outside world that is. Because poly-activists argue that this configuration still perpetuates male privilege (a bisexual female who gets it on with another girl, is no threat to the male ego - aka. One-Penis-Policy). Such a paradigm which is perceived to perpetuate the very patriarchy and notion of possession that polyamory tries to counteract in the first place, is one of the biggest hot potatoes.

I support each person finding what is best for them. For some people, that may be living alone, even being celibate (as difficult as that is for someone like me to think of as enjoyable). For others, it will be a closed, monogamous relationship, living together or not. For others, some form of ethical nonmonogamy is best. If someone, regardless of their gender, truly prefers a closed polygynous relationship, and they've found the people who make a good match, good for them. I say the same for someone who needs or prefers an equal number of men and women in their polycule, or someone who prefers polygyny, someone who needs a same-gender polycule, and all of the other possibilities (cosleeping, fluid bonding, public dates, meeting family, ceremonial bonding, etc.) Just because something isn't for me doesn't mean it isn't for someone else.

Likewise, some proponents of polyamory like to distance themselves from promiscuity and/or swinging which are heavily frowned upon by mainstreamers - even if many polyamorists discover their inclination by through such sexual liberation in the first place. Promiscuity is harshly condemned (at least when it concerns women) and swinging is premeditated promiscuity. It is - gasp - sex for fun. Moral judgements and definitions divide the non-monogamous community because the harsh rejection by the world of the community as a whole, creates a desperate need in many to achieve acceptance at any cost.

Again, let people decide for themselves.

Ethical non-monogamy by definition can include many different preferences, none more valid than the other. Of course it's worth listening to those who condemn (questioning values is what polyamorists are good at)... But know and trust that everyone's journey is different, including yours. Because when such a community is already small and despised by the outside world, it is doubly important to stick together.

Yes! YES! I've long called for solidarity on this blog. It is important when it comes to Interracial-LGBT-Poly-Consanguinamory cooperation and it is important when it comes to cooperation within ethical nonmonomist communities, too. There are many colors in a rainbow and many waves in a ocean. Ever notice, when looking in-person or at an image of a natural panorama, there are many different things that comprise the beautiful whole?

Read more »

Posted in: allies,boundaries,group,lack of equality harms,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,solidarity,stigma,swinging,triads

Leontiades Lauds Love, Seeks Solidarity

Louisa Leontiades covers something at huffingtonpost.co.uk that is unavoidable in ethical nonmonogamy circles, and more specifically, in polyamorous circles: differences in relationship structures and guidelines, and how that divides some. Leontiades is founder of MultipleMatch.com, where this piece was previously published.

Those who feel the inclination to love many, have to learn by doing, and are often shunned and shamed whilst doing so, making the pursuit of their relationships a thousand times harder. Indeed the fact that the polyamorous community is growing at all in the face of constant opposition, is a true testament to the power of love... and marginalization. The power that the world gives polyamorists by vilification turns it into a cause, spawning Poly-pride, support groups like PolyLiving  and not for profit organizations like Loving More. 

Polyamory has definitely been coming out of the closet, but with that come some issues.

Unfortunately despite all the good intentions, a minority's struggle for acceptance will always create a 'prisoners' dilemma' and this one is no different. In the non-monogamous community certain relationship configurations are more likely to be accepted if they align themselves to already existing precepts and/or paradigms. For example as the idealised Male-Female-Female triad slowly becomes more acceptable to the general public, it's no coincidence  that it's also the most popular choice for many newly out-of the closet polyamorists; simply because it is the most familiar, comfortable and least controversial. To the outside world that is. Because poly-activists argue that this configuration still perpetuates male privilege (a bisexual female who gets it on with another girl, is no threat to the male ego - aka. One-Penis-Policy). Such a paradigm which is perceived to perpetuate the very patriarchy and notion of possession that polyamory tries to counteract in the first place, is one of the biggest hot potatoes.

I support each person finding what is best for them. For some people, that may be living alone, even being celibate (as difficult as that is for someone like me to think of as enjoyable). For others, it will be a closed, monogamous relationship, living together or not. For others, some form of ethical nonmonogamy is best. If someone, regardless of their gender, truly prefers a closed polygynous relationship, and they've found the people who make a good match, good for them. I say the same for someone who needs or prefers an equal number of men and women in their polycule, or someone who prefers polygyny, someone who needs a same-gender polycule, and all of the other possibilities (cosleeping, fluid bonding, public dates, meeting family, ceremonial bonding, etc.) Just because something isn't for me doesn't mean it isn't for someone else.

Likewise, some proponents of polyamory like to distance themselves from promiscuity and/or swinging which are heavily frowned upon by mainstreamers - even if many polyamorists discover their inclination by through such sexual liberation in the first place. Promiscuity is harshly condemned (at least when it concerns women) and swinging is premeditated promiscuity. It is - gasp - sex for fun. Moral judgements and definitions divide the non-monogamous community because the harsh rejection by the world of the community as a whole, creates a desperate need in many to achieve acceptance at any cost.

Again, let people decide for themselves.

Ethical non-monogamy by definition can include many different preferences, none more valid than the other. Of course it's worth listening to those who condemn (questioning values is what polyamorists are good at)... But know and trust that everyone's journey is different, including yours. Because when such a community is already small and despised by the outside world, it is doubly important to stick together.

Yes! YES! I've long called for solidarity on this blog. It is important when it comes to Interracial-LGBT-Poly-Consanguinamory cooperation and it is important when it comes to cooperation within ethical nonmonomist communities, too. There are many colors in a rainbow and many waves in a ocean. Ever notice, when looking in-person or at an image of a natural panorama, there are many different things that comprise the beautiful whole?

Read more »

Posted in: allies,boundaries,group,lack of equality harms,open,polyamory,polyandry,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,solidarity,stigma,swinging,triads

Season Finale for VH1 Marriage Series

Emily Exton at vh1.com tells us what is coming up tomorrow on I’m Married To A…

Live-in couple Ali and Lorne use their home of San Francisco as a playground for “second base parties,” which is likely not something you took part in back in your Little League days. “I just have an insatiable appetite for sex,” Ali explains. “So I like to date like three guys at a time because then no one person is exhausted.” And everyone is okay with that?

It's not for everyone, but it is for some.

On the season finale of I’m Married To A…, we meet a polyamorous couple, who explain how they step outside their relationship to meet their physical needs, ultimately allowing themselves to fall in love with multiple people to capitalize on the “abundance” of emotion they have to spare. To practice this lifestyle, honesty is the best policy, and making sure you define certain feelings and specific “bases” in the same way is extremely important. 

Television producers like to focus on the sex, but for most people in a polyamorous or an open relationship (and no, those are not synonyms) there's a lot more to it than having sex with other people. Sometimes, it is a matter of personalities or shared interests.

It is good to see a series showing that not all marriages or relationships have to look the same.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,media,open,polyamory,swinging

Season Finale for VH1 Marriage Series

Emily Exton at vh1.com tells us what is coming up tomorrow on I’m Married To A…

Live-in couple Ali and Lorne use their home of San Francisco as a playground for “second base parties,” which is likely not something you took part in back in your Little League days. “I just have an insatiable appetite for sex,” Ali explains. “So I like to date like three guys at a time because then no one person is exhausted.” And everyone is okay with that?

It's not for everyone, but it is for some.

On the season finale of I’m Married To A…, we meet a polyamorous couple, who explain how they step outside their relationship to meet their physical needs, ultimately allowing themselves to fall in love with multiple people to capitalize on the “abundance” of emotion they have to spare. To practice this lifestyle, honesty is the best policy, and making sure you define certain feelings and specific “bases” in the same way is extremely important. 

Television producers like to focus on the sex, but for most people in a polyamorous or an open relationship (and no, those are not synonyms) there's a lot more to it than having sex with other people. Sometimes, it is a matter of personalities or shared interests.

It is good to see a series showing that not all marriages or relationships have to look the same.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,media,open,polyamory,swinging

Barbara Kay Doesn't Like Polyamorists

With Polycon underway and in the news, Barbara Kay at nationalpost.com decided write and let the world know that she thinks being polyamorous makes you immoral and promiscuous (and being promiscuous is very bad). However, she never bothers to cite exactly what is wrong with enjoying loving relationships or sex with more than one person. She probably doesn't care that some polyamorists will have fewer sexual partners over their lifetime than many people who claim to be monogamous.

Should we be surprised that “polyamorists” — mixed-sex threesomes or foursomes in open “relationships” — have come out of the closet, clamouring for their slice of the matrimonial pie?

No, you shouldn't. It's called treating adults as adults.

I’m no Cassandra. But in 2006 I warned in a column: “Don’t panic … about polygamy … Save your panic for “polyamorous” marriage … Thanks to such ‘advances’ as the recent Supreme Court of Canada’s ‘swingers’ ruling [which legitimated group sex as a for-profit business that did no “harm”], polyamory is acquiring respectability, thus paving the way for public acceptance.”

Oh no! Consenting adults loving each other! Oh, the horror of it all!

At the time, there were already Unitarian clerics in the United States who defined themselves as “poly-welcoming,” performing “joining ceremonies” for polyamorous families. In The Netherlands in 2005, one Victor de Brujin and his wife Bianca took “their” bride Miraim Geven in soi-disant marriage, white bridal gowns and all, via a binding “cohabitation contract.”

And the problem with these things is...? Is...? She never says.

In Canada, the seeds for polyamoristic rights were planted as far back as 1997, when the Law Commission of Canada recommended that traditional marriage be put on a level playing field with all “close relationships,” stating that they saw “no reason in principle” to limit registered partnerships to two people.

This conflation of the right to marriage with sexual desire — even promiscuous desire — is not, as we see, an entirely grassroots phenomenon; rather it is top-down activism rooted in theories generated in ivory towers.

Hardly. Polyamory has always existed.

She then goes on to complain about studying and citing the behavior of bonobos.

No, they were not kidding. The presenters made no attempt to disguise their underlying thesis that bonobos have lessons to teach human beings.

What? Next you'll tell us that bats have been using sonar! I wonder if Ms. Kay tells people not to use terms like "nesting" or "leaving the nest" or "building a nest?" And, by all means, stop all lab tests that involve observing behavior in rodents.

She never does explain why polyamorous people should be denied their rights. Throwing up your hands in fear, clutching the pearls, and accurately predicting that civil rights will progress does not demonstrate that such things are bad.

Ms. Kay doesn't want a polyamorous relationship. That's fine by me. But Canada and every other country should keep evolving towards relationship rights for all adults, including full marriage equality, so that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY and ALL consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Read more »

Posted in: Canada,coming out,freedom to marry,law,media,polyamory,prejudice,stigma,swinging

Barbara Kay Doesn't Like Polyamorists

With Polycon underway and in the news, Barbara Kay at nationalpost.com decided write and let the world know that she thinks being polyamorous makes you immoral and promiscuous (and being promiscuous is very bad). However, she never bothers to cite exactly what is wrong with enjoying loving relationships or sex with more than one person. She probably doesn't care that some polyamorists will have fewer sexual partners over their lifetime than many people who claim to be monogamous.

Should we be surprised that “polyamorists” — mixed-sex threesomes or foursomes in open “relationships” — have come out of the closet, clamouring for their slice of the matrimonial pie?

No, you shouldn't. It's called treating adults as adults.

I’m no Cassandra. But in 2006 I warned in a column: “Don’t panic … about polygamy … Save your panic for “polyamorous” marriage … Thanks to such ‘advances’ as the recent Supreme Court of Canada’s ‘swingers’ ruling [which legitimated group sex as a for-profit business that did no “harm”], polyamory is acquiring respectability, thus paving the way for public acceptance.”

Oh no! Consenting adults loving each other! Oh, the horror of it all!

At the time, there were already Unitarian clerics in the United States who defined themselves as “poly-welcoming,” performing “joining ceremonies” for polyamorous families. In The Netherlands in 2005, one Victor de Brujin and his wife Bianca took “their” bride Miraim Geven in soi-disant marriage, white bridal gowns and all, via a binding “cohabitation contract.”

And the problem with these things is...? Is...? She never says.

In Canada, the seeds for polyamoristic rights were planted as far back as 1997, when the Law Commission of Canada recommended that traditional marriage be put on a level playing field with all “close relationships,” stating that they saw “no reason in principle” to limit registered partnerships to two people.

This conflation of the right to marriage with sexual desire — even promiscuous desire — is not, as we see, an entirely grassroots phenomenon; rather it is top-down activism rooted in theories generated in ivory towers.

Hardly. Polyamory has always existed.

She then goes on to complain about studying and citing the behavior of bonobos.

No, they were not kidding. The presenters made no attempt to disguise their underlying thesis that bonobos have lessons to teach human beings.

What? Next you'll tell us that bats have been using sonar! I wonder if Ms. Kay tells people not to use terms like "nesting" or "leaving the nest" or "building a nest?" And, by all means, stop all lab tests that involve observing behavior in rodents.

She never does explain why polyamorous people should be denied their rights. Throwing up your hands in fear, clutching the pearls, and accurately predicting that civil rights will progress does not demonstrate that such things are bad.

Ms. Kay doesn't want a polyamorous relationship. That's fine by me. But Canada and every other country should keep evolving towards relationship rights for all adults, including full marriage equality, so that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY and ALL consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Read more »

Posted in: Canada,coming out,freedom to marry,law,media,polyamory,prejudice,stigma,swinging

The Poly Scene in Halifax

Katie Toth at thecoast.ca wrote about polyamory in Halifax.

It started when Amy was chatting with a friend who had become poly with her own boyfriend. At first, Amy said, she thought it was an awful idea. "I'm a pretty jealous person," she says. But that night after a few drinks, Amy came home to Robert. "You know, Drunk Amy," she jokes. "I was like, we should try being polyamorous!"

Polyamory is the state of having romantic relationships with more than one other person at the same time.

Or, better, it is the state of having romantic, erotic, or sexual relationships involving three or more people at the same time with the consent of all involved. It could be one person out of the three seeing the other two, with the other two seeing only that one person.

Polyamorous people are quick to distinguish themselves from swingers or couples in open relationships--- situations where usually, members of a monogamous couple have casual sex with other people.

Some people might classify swingers and people in open relationships as polyamorous, but not all polyamorous people swing or are in open relationships.

First they made out with different people at parties. Then they started dating other people, but they'd check in nearly constantly with each other, requesting permission to send the next text message, go on the next date or have the next hookup.

Eventually that got tedious---and they got more comfortable with the dating-other-people thing anyway. So now they only have two rules: "Don't have sex with someone for the first time before hanging out with me and telling me about them, and don't sleep over without letting me know."

The hard part about being poly, Amy says, isn't her boyfriend---it's the way her friends react.

Such is the case with many relationships this blog covers. So many of the problems are causes by the misunderstanding or prejudice of others.

Amy says the shift in their relationship has allowed them to be more honest and have more fun with each other. When the two were monogamous, she remembers, they didn't even talk about other people who they found attractive. Now she feels like Robert is an even closer friend. After his first date with someone else, she remembers, "I was super excited." When he came home that night to tell her about his evening, "it was like, girl talk!"

Sounds like she might experience compersion.

In Canada, polyamory is legal, although marrying multiple people is not. John Ince was a lawyer representing the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association during the hearings over the landmark constitutional case related to polygamous religious abuse in Bountiful, BC. "Basically, they"---polyamorous people---"can do whatever they want, as long as they don't call it marriage," he says, of the case results. "There is no problem with two people cohabiting with a third person with whom they're not married. That's legal in Canada."

But property and family laws are up for interpretation when it comes to polyamorous claims. Rollie Thompson is a professor of law at Dalhousie. He has two major recommendations for polyamorous people who are committing to more than one other person. The first: don't get married. "Our laws ascribe all kinds of rights and obligations to people who are married. People who are not married, there are no such presumptions, as a consequence there's more freedom to how you arrange things," he says.

So, the discriminatory banning of the polygamous freedom to marry discourages poly people from marrying at all, and that is one way.

While polyamory may be all about sharing love, it comes with some rough misconceptions. Out of all the polyamorous Haligonians talked to for this story, only one was willing to share their full name. The rest---even those who are out to friends and some family members---fear anti-poly attitudes in the workplace or from the general public, or their partners do.

Their fears aren't unfounded. A Tennessee judge declared polyamorous mother April Divilbliss an unfit parent in 1999, after an MTV reality show featured her long-term relationship with two male partners. And in 2010, a St. Louis woman was fired from her job at a local non-profit after they found she was blogging about her polyamorous sex life.

Such bigotry is ridiculous, and one reason I blog. It's a long article, compared to what you typically find in major news outlets these days. You can read it all here.

Read more »

Posted in: Canada,media,open,polyamory,prejudice,swinging

Polyamorous Triad Featured in South African News

Noor-Jehan Yoro Badat writes about polyamory at iol.co.za...

Before I met Mark, Kate and Alice at a Joburg restaurant, I learnt that they are considered the “poster children” of polyamory in South Africa. That is why, says Mark, they try to present a positive image to their community, despite some people’s disapproval of their unconventional bond.

There is a wide variety of polyamorous people. We come from all backgrounds. We are in every geographic region, every socioeconomic status, in just about every political or religious organization of any size. Some of us are are in open or partially open polycules, some of us are in closed polyfidelitous polycules, some of us aren't in a polycule at all right now. Some of the polycules are "Vs," some of them are triangles, some are quads, etc. Different polycules have different guidelines. Some of us are outspokenly out, some of us are quietly out, some of us are partially out, some of us are in the closet. Some of us live together, some of us don't. Some of us sleep in the same bed, some of us don't. Some of us only ever have one-on-one sex, some of us usually have sex that involves three or more lovers. Some of us are quite "vanilla" in or lovemaking (other than being in a polycule) and some of us are into BDSM or something else. Some of us want to have a recognized polyamorous marriage, some of us don't want to get married at all.

What I'm trying to say is that the only thing that all poly people have in common is that they are oriented towards, prefer, or are in relationships in which at least one person in the relationship seeks or has sex with or romantically or erotically loves more than one person, with the agreement of all involved.

The three have nothing against monogamy – they all started out that way. But Kate says she was “never very good” at committing to her partners.

Did she put it that way? Because many poly people are good at committing... so good, in fact, that they commit to more than one person.

Falling in love with Mark and accepting his deep feelings for Kate was hard and nerve-racking in the beginning, says Alice, who had always believed in monogamy.

“I was in two minds about being with two people, but willing to try anything… It took me a long time to be comfortable.” 

She’s not resentful of Mark’s time with Kate. “I have my moments of insecurity, but we even ourselves out and get past it,” adds Alice. 

“I do see myself spending the rest of my life with them.” 

They should be free to have that, without bullying or discrimination.

This accompanied the article...

Isn’t it just swinging with a fancier name?

Polyamory isn’t swinging, says sex educator Avri Spilka.
 

Swingers engage in purely sexual activities with other partners for reasons that include adding variety to their sex lives.

“I see an unwritten rule in swinging,” says Spilka. “You don’t fall in love. It’s physical, even affectionate, but it’s not seen as emotional.

“And that’s the difference with polyamory – it has an emotional aspect. Swinging is more sensory,” says Spilka, who herself is in a polyamorous relationship.

Polyamory has come out. There's no going back.

Read more »

Posted in: Africa,boundaries,coming out,family reaction,love,media,open,polyamory,prejudice,swinging,triads

Polyamory Rising

Thanks in no small part to the Browns and their TLC television show, "Sister Wives," awareness of consensual polygamy (especially plural marriages) is increasing. The same goes for the Showtime's Polyamory show. Both shows and related media and discussion will contribute to relationship rights for poly people, including the freedom to marry and, ultimately, full marriage equality.

The Browns lead a forum at UNLV, prompting some news coverage. Here's a report from Paul Takahashi at lasvegassun.com...

Christopher DeVargas

Kody Brown, center, is flanked by two of his four ‘Sister Wives,” Christine, at left, and Meri, at right.

There are more than 850 societies around the world that practice polygamy, and an estimated 30,000 or more plural families living in the United States, Blumer said. However, because of a negative cultural stigma and legal concerns, most plural families live largely in secrecy.

When the Brown family came out to their monogamous friends relatives some 20 years ago, it strained relationships and broke some bonds.

The Browns also suffered repercussions when their family made national headlines after "Sister Wives" first aired. Meri lost her job, Kody lost a couple of advertising clients and Robyn had a difficult time finding work.

For a couple of years, the family also faced legal prosecution. 

How ridiculous it is that people perpetuate such bigotry.

The Browns also shared their views of what it means to be a feminist in a plural marriage and how they empathize with proponents for gay marriage.

"I believe that I was able to choose our family structure," Kody Brown said. "It should be the right of every citizen in this country to be able to choose their family structure."

The family also shared the decision to come out about their plural marriage.

"I felt like there were so many stereotypes about plural marriages," Kody Brown said. "When I talked with my children about doing the show, I said we have an opportunity to not only change our world, but to change the world for everyone else."

Good or them for expressing and promoting solidarity!

Las Vegas resident Tracy Enriquez, 47, watches "Sister Wives" regularly and said the show changed her views on plural marriage. Seeing the family in person solidified her views, she said.

"At first, I thought it was crazy, but when I saw how much they love each other, it kind of changed my views," she said. "If they don't force people into their lifestyle, I don't see anything wrong with it. I respect them."

That was just one of the examples of how they're opening minds. Good for them! The newspaper also included an edited version of question-and-answer session, and you should click through to read it...

Christopher DeVargas

The Kody Brown family, from left, Christine, Janelle, Kody, Robyn and Meri.

Are most people out like you are?

Kody: Almost all of our friends who are in plural marriage are closeted to some level. People are careful not to flaunt it, even in small and remote towns.

It is sad that people feel pressured to hide their marriages.

What are your views of patriarchy and feminism? Polygamy is often seen as a patriarchy and bad for women.

Janelle: Patriarchy has a very negative connotation for me. It's true that Kody is the glue that holds us together, but I definitely have my voice. I feel very liberated. I have a career, my independence and freedom. I've never had to stay at home with sick kids or worry too much about what's for dinner. I can have my cake, and eat it too.

Meri: I agree. I've become so independent in some ways.

Christine, a homemaker: I feel our family is very patriarchal, but it's exactly what I wanted. I just want to be a princess in life.

Clearly, these are women who make up their own minds.

There are negative stereotypes about polygamy. How are you different from Warren Jeffs and FLDS?

Kody: We are Fundamentalist Mormons, not the LDS or FLDS. Jeffs – who was the leader of the FLDS – built up a fiefdom around him. He took the voice away from his wives and children. My belief is that my wives should have their voice and should be able to make choices. As a family, we make choices together.

Janelle: I was able to choose my family. In some Mormon sects, marriages are arranged. In our community, we don't assign spouses. We also wait to get married after we turn 18 years old. The only common thing is we worship from the same scripture as the LDS.

Christine: We also have access to the outside world, the Internet and TV. We want the world for our children, for them to go to college and travel.

Meri: I recently ran a 5K in Utah to get people out of the FLDS. (Audience applauds.)

Janelle: Secrecy is bad, because it allowed people like Warren Jeffs to abuse. That abuse persists, because people were more afraid of the government than Jeffs.

Kody: We're don't mean to criticize the FLDS. That is a community that needs our empathy and support. We can save our criticism for their leadership.

Although the Browns prefer their marital construct be referred to as plural marriage, like all consensual polygamy, I consider it form of polyamory.  Kathy Labriola has written about "The Polyamorous Couple Next Door" at twodaymag.com. Here's Part 1...

There may be married couples right on your block, or even next door to you, who are in an open or polyamorous relationship without anyone outside the family being aware of it. In fact, it has been impossible for researchers to estimate how many couples practice some form of non-monogamy because the vast majority of these couples are very careful to keep their lifestyle secret.

As a counselor in private practice, I get calls every day from married couples all over the country who have made an agreement to allow each other to have outside sexual or romantic relationships. The usual reasons they give for keeping this from their families, friends, and  co-workers? Fears of their children being taken away from them, being ostracized by family members, being rejected by their friends, or losing their jobs. These fears are usually at least partially based on reality, as many couples have experienced negative consequences when they “came out of the closet” or if others accidentally found out about their open marriage. 

She goes on to give some examples of people involved in these relationships. And here is Part 2.

My experience counseling couples has convinced me of one thing regardless of whether your marriage is explicitly monogamous or polyamorous: If your relationship is strong, stable, and happy, your spouse is unlikely to leave you for someone else, even if they have outside partners. People generally leave their marriages because they are unhappy, not because they have another lover.

Turns out that she wrote mostly about open marriages and cheating, and not polyfidelity.

Finally, at gonzotimes.com, Alexis offered an introduction to the world of polyamory...

To use the most inclusive definition, polyamory – often shortened to ‘poly’ – is “ethical consensual nonmonogamy”. More specifically, it’s typically used to describe multiple romantic relationships; and it’s contrasted with swinging, which typically involves having multiple sexual relationships (often in the presence of emotional monogamy). However, polyamory is not ‘cheating’: ‘cheating’ involves breaking rules, and by the definition given above, polyamory only describes situations in which all involved have actively consented to the arrangement.

Read more »

Posted in: academia,allies,cheating,coming out,family reaction,FLDS,lack of equality harms,love,media,Nevada,open,polyamory,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,religion,Sister Wives,solidarity,swinging

Polyamory Rising

Thanks in no small part to the Browns and their TLC television show, "Sister Wives," awareness of consensual polygamy (especially plural marriages) is increasing. The same goes for the Showtime's Polyamory show. Both shows and related media and discussion will contribute to relationship rights for poly people, including the freedom to marry and, ultimately, full marriage equality.

The Browns lead a forum at UNLV, prompting some news coverage. Here's a report from Paul Takahashi at lasvegassun.com...

Christopher DeVargas

Kody Brown, center, is flanked by two of his four ‘Sister Wives,” Christine, at left, and Meri, at right.

There are more than 850 societies around the world that practice polygamy, and an estimated 30,000 or more plural families living in the United States, Blumer said. However, because of a negative cultural stigma and legal concerns, most plural families live largely in secrecy.

When the Brown family came out to their monogamous friends relatives some 20 years ago, it strained relationships and broke some bonds.

The Browns also suffered repercussions when their family made national headlines after "Sister Wives" first aired. Meri lost her job, Kody lost a couple of advertising clients and Robyn had a difficult time finding work.

For a couple of years, the family also faced legal prosecution. 

How ridiculous it is that people perpetuate such bigotry.

The Browns also shared their views of what it means to be a feminist in a plural marriage and how they empathize with proponents for gay marriage.

"I believe that I was able to choose our family structure," Kody Brown said. "It should be the right of every citizen in this country to be able to choose their family structure."

The family also shared the decision to come out about their plural marriage.

"I felt like there were so many stereotypes about plural marriages," Kody Brown said. "When I talked with my children about doing the show, I said we have an opportunity to not only change our world, but to change the world for everyone else."

Good or them for expressing and promoting solidarity!

Las Vegas resident Tracy Enriquez, 47, watches "Sister Wives" regularly and said the show changed her views on plural marriage. Seeing the family in person solidified her views, she said.

"At first, I thought it was crazy, but when I saw how much they love each other, it kind of changed my views," she said. "If they don't force people into their lifestyle, I don't see anything wrong with it. I respect them."

That was just one of the examples of how they're opening minds. Good for them! The newspaper also included an edited version of question-and-answer session, and you should click through to read it...

Christopher DeVargas

The Kody Brown family, from left, Christine, Janelle, Kody, Robyn and Meri.

Are most people out like you are?

Kody: Almost all of our friends who are in plural marriage are closeted to some level. People are careful not to flaunt it, even in small and remote towns.

It is sad that people feel pressured to hide their marriages.

What are your views of patriarchy and feminism? Polygamy is often seen as a patriarchy and bad for women.

Janelle: Patriarchy has a very negative connotation for me. It's true that Kody is the glue that holds us together, but I definitely have my voice. I feel very liberated. I have a career, my independence and freedom. I've never had to stay at home with sick kids or worry too much about what's for dinner. I can have my cake, and eat it too.

Meri: I agree. I've become so independent in some ways.

Christine, a homemaker: I feel our family is very patriarchal, but it's exactly what I wanted. I just want to be a princess in life.

Clearly, these are women who make up their own minds.

There are negative stereotypes about polygamy. How are you different from Warren Jeffs and FLDS?

Kody: We are Fundamentalist Mormons, not the LDS or FLDS. Jeffs – who was the leader of the FLDS – built up a fiefdom around him. He took the voice away from his wives and children. My belief is that my wives should have their voice and should be able to make choices. As a family, we make choices together.

Janelle: I was able to choose my family. In some Mormon sects, marriages are arranged. In our community, we don't assign spouses. We also wait to get married after we turn 18 years old. The only common thing is we worship from the same scripture as the LDS.

Christine: We also have access to the outside world, the Internet and TV. We want the world for our children, for them to go to college and travel.

Meri: I recently ran a 5K in Utah to get people out of the FLDS. (Audience applauds.)

Janelle: Secrecy is bad, because it allowed people like Warren Jeffs to abuse. That abuse persists, because people were more afraid of the government than Jeffs.

Kody: We're don't mean to criticize the FLDS. That is a community that needs our empathy and support. We can save our criticism for their leadership.

Although the Browns prefer their marital construct be referred to as plural marriage, like all consensual polygamy, I consider it form of polyamory.  Kathy Labriola has written about "The Polyamorous Couple Next Door" at twodaymag.com. Here's Part 1...

There may be married couples right on your block, or even next door to you, who are in an open or polyamorous relationship without anyone outside the family being aware of it. In fact, it has been impossible for researchers to estimate how many couples practice some form of non-monogamy because the vast majority of these couples are very careful to keep their lifestyle secret.

As a counselor in private practice, I get calls every day from married couples all over the country who have made an agreement to allow each other to have outside sexual or romantic relationships. The usual reasons they give for keeping this from their families, friends, and  co-workers? Fears of their children being taken away from them, being ostracized by family members, being rejected by their friends, or losing their jobs. These fears are usually at least partially based on reality, as many couples have experienced negative consequences when they “came out of the closet” or if others accidentally found out about their open marriage. 

She goes on to give some examples of people involved in these relationships. And here is Part 2.

My experience counseling couples has convinced me of one thing regardless of whether your marriage is explicitly monogamous or polyamorous: If your relationship is strong, stable, and happy, your spouse is unlikely to leave you for someone else, even if they have outside partners. People generally leave their marriages because they are unhappy, not because they have another lover.

Turns out that she wrote mostly about open marriages and cheating, and not polyfidelity.

Finally, at gonzotimes.com, Alexis offered an introduction to the world of polyamory...

To use the most inclusive definition, polyamory – often shortened to ‘poly’ – is “ethical consensual nonmonogamy”. More specifically, it’s typically used to describe multiple romantic relationships; and it’s contrasted with swinging, which typically involves having multiple sexual relationships (often in the presence of emotional monogamy). However, polyamory is not ‘cheating’: ‘cheating’ involves breaking rules, and by the definition given above, polyamory only describes situations in which all involved have actively consented to the arrangement.

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Posted in: academia,allies,cheating,coming out,family reaction,FLDS,lack of equality harms,love,media,Nevada,open,polyamory,polygamy,polygyny,prejudice,religion,Sister Wives,solidarity,swinging

A Polyamorous Woman Writes of First Play Party

Polyamorists are not necessarily swingers. (Note: consider all links in this entry after that one NSFW.) Many poly people are in closed polycules and members of that polycule only date and have sex with people within that polycule. Some poly people do swing, however. Zoe is polyamorous and wrote about her first swinger party, which she checked out because one of her lovers is a swinger.

Guy and his wife tried to prep me as best as they could. He talked to me about what the physical layout would be (i.e. social area, public area with toys laid out, private bedroom), gave me a run down on who he expected to be there, even tried to help with my most worrisome question – what to wear.

What did she wear?

After careful consideration and an unplanned shopping trip, I found something that was cute, fashionable and had my daughter’s seal of approval, “Oh, mom you could so wear that clubbing!”

Okay.

I staked out a spot on a futon in the social area and watched while people arrived. I was introduced to all of them either by Guy or by simply being in that area.  Everyone was extremely friendly.  It was in that moment that I had my first epiphany of the evening (yes there were several), “It was all so NORMAL.”  It was absolutely normal party behavior; a group of people getting together and being social. It was almost as if they could have flipped on a movie or fired up a barbeque.

Yup. Polyamorous people and swingers are the people next door, the people at the PTA meeting, the people delivering your mail, the people stuck in traffic next to you. Dear reader, you know some poly people and some swingers whether you know it or not.

All in all there were about 10 couples there as well as 2 single females and me.
They were dressed nicely.  Many of the women wore stockings. Guy’s misses was the only one in what could be considered fetish wear (corset). But it was not so much as them dressing to look sexy so much as wearing something that made them FEEL sexy  (epiphany number 2).

After awhile, many people went downstairs, something about knot tying instructions.  

 In part two which is definitely NSFW, she wrote...

After gathering my courage, I crept downstairs; my heart pounding, my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands; turned the corner and saw a bunch of people fully clothed sitting around talking. All so freaking NORMAL; normal except for the table laid out with a spread of sex toys of all shapes and sizes along with a large pile of towels and condoms, but Guy had shown me that anyway and we had played “show and tell” with most of them on a previous date. 

 So how does that all move on to something more exciting?

When his co-host came up and started talking, I realized that he was actually interested in me. Perhaps he was just being the good host or wanting everyone to be comfortable, but I went with it and took Guy’s suggestion about having his co-host give me a massage.

Wow.  I have heard people boast that they are good at massages but I swear this one has magic fingers. Magic fingers that began to drain the nervousness and tension right out of my body; or would have if the lace on my fancy new shirt wasn’t rubbing into my skin. That had to be rectified. My shirt came off with little thought.  I am not modest and finding myself face down on a bed in the public play area sans shirt, seemed about as natural (and necessary) to me as nursing my daughter while walking the aisles of Sam’s Club. I would like to interject here that I was not the only one in a state of semi-undress but if I recall correctly (which I may well not), I was.

Closing my eyes, I let his fingers wander my back and shoulders. He was using an oil that smelled nice and made his fingers glide over my skin. We visited while my body turned into butter. At some point he asked if he could remove my bra.  And at some point he kissed me.

Her recounting of the evening goes on to get quite graphic and hot. It has a happy ending... so to speak. Swinging is obviously not for everyone, but some people enjoy it. Consenting adults should have that freedom with their own bodies.

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Posted in: boundaries,group,polyamory,swinging