Polyamory Is Not Just For Couples

Angi Becker Stevens writes at huffingtonpost.com to clear up a misunderstand about polyamorous relationships...

Over the past few years, polyamory has become a more widely known term and practice. And perhaps inevitably, certain misconceptions and misunderstandings about what "polyamory" means have become widespread as well.

That's for sure. There are so many different ways polyamory can be experienced, and people often base their perception, or mistaken understanding, on one example. 

It would be unfortunately difficult to say which among these misunderstandings is the most common, or the most hurtful to polyamorous folks. But there's one in particular that I'd like to discuss: the idea that "polyamory" means "committed couple who have casual partners on the side."

That's just one of many ways polyamory can be experienced.

Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core "couple" at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the "man" in the relationship and the other must be the "woman." After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of "the one" and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously. 

She goes on to explain the problems this can cause and how people can avoid insulting polyamorous people. It is a very good thing to read.

Read more »

Posted in: family reaction,myths,open,polyamory,quads,swinging,triads

Polyamory Is Not Just For Couples

Angi Becker Stevens writes at huffingtonpost.com to clear up a misunderstand about polyamorous relationships...

Over the past few years, polyamory has become a more widely known term and practice. And perhaps inevitably, certain misconceptions and misunderstandings about what "polyamory" means have become widespread as well.

That's for sure. There are so many different ways polyamory can be experienced, and people often base their perception, or mistaken understanding, on one example. 

It would be unfortunately difficult to say which among these misunderstandings is the most common, or the most hurtful to polyamorous folks. But there's one in particular that I'd like to discuss: the idea that "polyamory" means "committed couple who have casual partners on the side."

That's just one of many ways polyamory can be experienced.

Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core "couple" at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the "man" in the relationship and the other must be the "woman." After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of "the one" and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously. 

She goes on to explain the problems this can cause and how people can avoid insulting polyamorous people. It is a very good thing to read.

Read more »

Posted in: family reaction,myths,open,polyamory,quads,swinging,triads

Revisiting the Legal Nitty-Gritty of Polygamy

A very kind reader sent along a description of the legal theory by which the polygamous freedom to marry can be accomplished, and I will offer my thoughts as well. It's a long essay, Ultimately, the thing to take away is that our laws can accommodate people in any form of polyamory who want legal recognition of a marriage (polyagamy). Since as far as the government involvement is concerned, marriage is mostly about financial and "who has responsibility for whom" issues, contract and business law has already demonstrated that three or more people can have legally recognized relationships. I had previous written about this here.

There is an ongoing discussion among polyamory activists regarding a legal model of polyamorous marriage (i.e., the extension of the legal concept of marriage to include polyamorous families). One debate centers around the relative merits of an all-with-all approach to marriage (whereby three or more persons are all joined together at the same time within a single marriage) and dyadic networks (whereby existing laws against bigamy are revised such that people are perfectly free to be concurrently married to multiple other persons, provided that each such new marriage is preceded by a legal notification regarding the pending new marriage to all those to whom one is already married; failure to provide that legal notification would then constitute the updated crime of bigamy).

I think both should be offered. The basic paperwork can actually be rather simple.

Dyadic networks would result in what might be thought of as a "molecular" family structure — one which might be best represented by the molecular diagrams commonly used in chemistry. In this way, marriage would remain a dyadic relationship (i.e., a relationship between two persons), thus minimizing any changes to the existing system of legal marriage, but the introduction of concurrency would provide access to legal marriage for polyamorous families.

Dyadic networks can correctly represent any situation associated with the "all-with-all" paradigm, as well as many situations that the "all-with-all" paradigm cannot deal with. A "complete" dyadic network would take the form of a complete graph, in which every person is (pairwise) married to every other person, thus correctly representing any situation associated with the "all-with-all" paradigm.

What this is saying that if A, B, and C all want to marry as a triad, with a dyadic model that can be accomplished through A & B marrying, A & C marrying, and B & C marrying. However, the all-with-all model automatically does this with one ceremony and one piece of paper. All-with-all wouldn't be what every polycule would want, as detailed below. It would only be a desirable option for polycules in which every individual wants to be married to all of the others. It would only work for the triangle or the square below.

A dyadic network may also represent situations in which some persons are (pairwise) married to some members of the dyadic network but not to all of them ("V" and "N" geometries, for example) — these are situations that the "all-with-all" marriage paradigm is unable to accurately represent.

The "all-with-all" marriage paradigm assumes that everyone is equally involved with everyone else in the group — one global marriage agreement has to fit every participant at the same time. But dyadic network marriages separately define the terms of each specific 2-person relationship, and these dyadic marriages do not typically happen at the same time (A marries B, B marries C ("V" structure), C marries D ("N" structure), etc. — thus, the shape of the dyadic network dynamically changes over time). Participants in a dyadic network need not even be aware of the specific terms of marriage agreements existing elsewhere within the same dyadic network.

Under the "all-with-all" marriage paradigm, when irreconcilable differences arise there can be no alternative to a complete separation — one person cannot divorce another without ending the entire marriage agreement for everyone involved.

Actually, it doesn’t have to be complicated. This happens with, for example, rock or pop musical acts. Let’s pick a folk music act, Peter, Paul, and Mary, and assume they had equal ownership of the act. Let’s say Paul wants to leave, or Peter and Mary want to leave Paul. Paul gets compensated for 1/3rd of the act or, if there had been an agreement that said otherwise, whatever that agreement said. Then, Peter and Mary would continue on as a duo, and would be free to add new members.

But dyadic networks can function in much the same way as watertight compartmentalization functions in naval vessels, i.e., to limit and contain damage. An intense disagreement between two persons takes place within the context of their marriage, and need not greatly involve (or threaten) the relationships between other participants. Within a well-connected dyadic network, a divorce between two persons need not result in a complete separation of the network — for example, a dyadic network with triangle geometry would simply turn into a dyadic network with "V" geometry. 

An "all-with-all" marriage can only exist or cease to exist. In contrast, the shape of a dyadic network can dynamically change over time. Divorces subtract connections, and marriages add connections. The dyadic network itself either changes shape, separates into two dyadic networks, or merges into another dyadic network, depending on the precise nature of the newly added or subtracted connection. 

The maximum size of an "all-with-all" marriage is limited by the fact that every participant must be aware of the existence of every other participant (otherwise the global marriage contract would be invalid, because it could not satisfy the legal condition known as a "meeting of the minds"). But since a dyadic network relies only upon every participant's local knowledge of his or her own direct partners, its size is theoretically unlimited. The dyadic network paradigm is so powerful that it is theoretically capable of managing a situation in which every adult on earth is legally joined together in a single enormous dyadic network. Thus, with the dyadic network model, the idea of "many loves" is directly translated into a practical reality, and the "infinity" symbol (representing love without limits) is directly matched by a marriage model capable of handling an infinitely large number of participants.

Implementing Dyadic Networks

Within the United States, 41 states (82%) use the "equitable distribution" financial model, which is highly compatible with dyadic networks. But there are also nine other states (18%) with a financial model that is incompatible with dyadic networks - these are collectively referred to as the "community property" states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin).

The implementation method for the "community property" states is that the dyadic networks model will simply coexist with the old "community property" monogamy model. New marriages will automatically default to the dyadic networks model, but if the couple prefers the monogamous "community property" model then they have the option of selecting that model instead.

A triad in a community property state would mean each would get 1/3rd by default. However, that could be modified by pre- or post-nuptial agreements. Ideally, each state should allow people to choose what they want. It wouldn’t be difficult to make a couple of simple questions part of the standard marriage paperwork. If someone wants to be more detailed about who would get what upon leaving or dissolution, they can affic a prenuptial agreement, just like is done now.

Consider, for example, the existing marriage laws of Alaska.  Alaska is an "equitable distribution" state, hence couples who marry in Alaska will marry under the "equitable distribution" model by default, but these couples can instead elect to marry under the "community property" monogamy model if they wish (they do this by executing either a community property agreement or a community property trust).
Alaska thus constitutes an existence proof that both financial models can peacefully coexist within the same U.S. state's legal system.  Alaska's example shows that even community property states can easily be modernized to accomodate dyadic networks.

Polyamorous Committment

The Dyadic Networks model of polyamorous marriage raises important questions related to marital commitment. With a single dyad, the situation is simple; each spouse commits to support and protect the other, and the logic of conventional monogamous marriage applies. However, when multiple dyads intersect in a dyadic network, how exactly does the commitment process work? 

To understand this, let us consider the parent-child relationship.   In the parent-child situation, the support commitment exists only in one direction - from parent to child.  When there is a single parent, the child has a single source of commitment, and all protection must come from that source.  However, when there are two parents, they are jointly responsible for meeting the child's needs.  The precise arrangement is worked out somehow, and provided that the child's needs are being met the law has no need to intervene.  If the child's needs are not being met, then debt collection methods such as garnishing wages, seizing assets, etc. can and do occur in order to ensure that child support takes place.  These actions are typically proportional to income and/or wealth, so the wealthier parent will pay more.  Where a parent has commitments to multiple children, the parent must faithfully carry out his or her responsibilities to each and every child.   Although it may sometimes seem that the needs of children are unlimited, this is not actually the case, and once a child's needs are satisfied (a certain amount of food, shelter, medical care, etc.), all parents of that child may regard their commitments as being satisfied with respect to each need for which adequate provision has been made, regardless of which parent(s) actually did the work of satisfying that need. 

Turning now to commitment in the dyadic network model, this can be understood as a bidirectional version of the parent-child model.  Each dyad represents a commitment of each spouse to the other.  Thus, in a V configuration, the two partners at the ends of the V each rely upon commitments from the single partner at the center of the V (the "pivot") - each of them has one spouse.  The "pivot" partner can rely upon two commitments, one from each of the two partners at the two ends of the V - the pivot partner has two spouses.  If the pivot partner is incapacitated, he or she is in a position comparable to that of a child with two parents - two people are committed to assist him or her and must do so up to the point at which the pivot partner's needs are satisfied.  If one of the partners at the end of the V is incapacitated, he or she has only one spouse to rely upon - the pivot partner, who is fully responsible for meeting the incapacitated partner's needs up to the point at which that partner's needs are satisfied.  If both partners at the end of the V are incapacitated, then the pivot partner is in a position comparable to that of a single parent with two sick children - he or she must meet the needs of both. 

Let us now consider whether the commitment relationship is "transitive" - if A is committed to B, and B is committed to C, does this mean that A is committed to C?  No, this is not the case.  C can legally rely only upon the commitment of B and has no legal basis to expect or receive a commitment from A.  Nor can A rely upon the commitment of C - that could happen only when and if A directly married (mutually committed to) C.  However, suppose that C's needs are so large that B is thereby driven into bankruptcy and becomes destitute.  Then B can rely upon A's commitment to provide B with a certain minimal level of support (food, shelter, medical care, etc.).  Thus C's needs can have an effect on B that causes A to provide more support to B than would have been the case had C not needed to draw heavily upon B's commitment. 

Hence, under the dyadic networks model, positive effects arise as a result of multiple commitments.  When there is only a single dyad, there is a substantial risk that the size of the commitment will exceed the capacity of the committed.  However, when each person is linked to multiple other partners in a dyadic network, this has the effect of bringing in additional capacity to meet any needs that may arise.  Three or four spouses may be easily able to carry a commitment load that would have quickly driven a single spouse into bankruptcy. 

The analogy to parent-child relationships carries over into other situations as well.  Just as it would be improper to discriminate against a parent for having too many children (or too few children), so it would be improper to discriminate against a person for having too many or too few spouses.  But with each additional child comes an additional commitment, and the same is true of an additional spouse.  Adding another child to one's health insurance coverage will usually result in an increased monthly charge for the insurance, thus adding another spouse would probably have a comparable effect.  But a child, or a spouse, only needs to be covered once, regardless of how many parents, or spouses, are available to provide that coverage.  Also, a spouse may be economically self-supporting and thus able to pay for his or her own health insurance, so in this respect the total support cost for an additional spouse would then be zero. 

Having drawn lessons from the parent-child relationship and applied them to dyadic networks, let us now draw a lesson from dyadic networks and apply it to the parent-child relationship.  

Just as there is no inherent reason why a person should not have more than one spouse, so there is no inherent reason why a child should not have more than two parents.  When the law of marriage is updated to legally support dyadic networks, the existing adoption mechanism can be used as a means by which additional commitments to children can be created.  For example, a single dyad may have already produced two children when each member of the dyad marries a third partner, thus creating a triangle.  The newest member of this dyadic network can then execute two adoptions to become the third parent of each of the dyad's two children.  Hence, in this situation, each of the three adults now has two spouses and two children.  To the extent that any legal barriers might hinder the use of adoption in this manner, such legal barriers would also need to be direct targets of polyamory's legal activism (in addition, of course, to updating the law of marriage to support dyadic networks). 

This N-parent situation has already been raised in the New York Times (When 3 Really Is A Crowd, July 16 2007, http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/16/opinion/16marquardt.html): “On April 30, a state Superior Court panel ruled that a child can have three legal parents.  […]  Arthur S. Leonard, a professor at New York Law School, observed, 'I’m unaware of any other state appellate court that has found that a child has, simultaneously, three adults who are financially obligated to the child’s support and are also entitled to visitation.'  […]  As one advocate of polygamy argued in Newsweek, 'If Heather can have two mommies, she should also be able to have two mommies and a daddy.' If more children are granted three legal parents, what is our rationale for denying these families the rights and protections of marriage?”  Our firm answer: there cannot be any legitimate rationale for the unconstitutional denial of this legal protection to polyamorous families 

The New York Times op-ed raises a question: “Conflicts will undoubtedly arise when three parents confront the sticky, conflict-ridden reality of child-raising, often leading to a nasty, three-way custody battle. Even if they part amicably, they may still want to live in three different homes. In that case, how many homes should children travel between to satisfy the parenting needs of many adults?”  The legal answer has been provided by New York Law School Professor Arthur S. Leonard (Pennsylvania Court Finds Three Adults Can Have Parental Rights,  May 01, 2007, http://newyorklawschool.typepad.com/leonardlink/2007/05/pennsylvania_co.html): “[...] the court gave Jennifer primary custody of the one nephew who was living with her, and partial custody (visitation rights) with the other three children; Jodilynn got primary custody of the three children and partial custody (visitation) with the one nephew, and Carl was awarded partial custody (visitation) of one weekend a month with his two children.”  In the event of divorce, family law judges will calculate child support obligations and distribute visitation rights in accordance with the best interests of the child(ren).

Read more »

Posted in: freedom to marry,group,law,polyamory,polygamy,quads,triads

Revisiting the Legal Nitty-Gritty of Polygamy

A very kind reader sent along a description of the legal theory by which the polygamous freedom to marry can be accomplished, and I will offer my thoughts as well. It's a long essay, Ultimately, the thing to take away is that our laws can accommodate people in any form of polyamory who want legal recognition of a marriage (polyagamy). Since as far as the government involvement is concerned, marriage is mostly about financial and "who has responsibility for whom" issues, contract and business law has already demonstrated that three or more people can have legally recognized relationships. I had previous written about this here.

There is an ongoing discussion among polyamory activists regarding a legal model of polyamorous marriage (i.e., the extension of the legal concept of marriage to include polyamorous families). One debate centers around the relative merits of an all-with-all approach to marriage (whereby three or more persons are all joined together at the same time within a single marriage) and dyadic networks (whereby existing laws against bigamy are revised such that people are perfectly free to be concurrently married to multiple other persons, provided that each such new marriage is preceded by a legal notification regarding the pending new marriage to all those to whom one is already married; failure to provide that legal notification would then constitute the updated crime of bigamy).

I think both should be offered. The basic paperwork can actually be rather simple.

Dyadic networks would result in what might be thought of as a "molecular" family structure — one which might be best represented by the molecular diagrams commonly used in chemistry. In this way, marriage would remain a dyadic relationship (i.e., a relationship between two persons), thus minimizing any changes to the existing system of legal marriage, but the introduction of concurrency would provide access to legal marriage for polyamorous families.

Dyadic networks can correctly represent any situation associated with the "all-with-all" paradigm, as well as many situations that the "all-with-all" paradigm cannot deal with. A "complete" dyadic network would take the form of a complete graph, in which every person is (pairwise) married to every other person, thus correctly representing any situation associated with the "all-with-all" paradigm.

What this is saying that if A, B, and C all want to marry as a triad, with a dyadic model that can be accomplished through A & B marrying, A & C marrying, and B & C marrying. However, the all-with-all model automatically does this with one ceremony and one piece of paper. All-with-all wouldn't be what every polycule would want, as detailed below. It would only be a desirable option for polycules in which every individual wants to be married to all of the others. It would only work for the triangle or the square below.

A dyadic network may also represent situations in which some persons are (pairwise) married to some members of the dyadic network but not to all of them ("V" and "N" geometries, for example) — these are situations that the "all-with-all" marriage paradigm is unable to accurately represent.

The "all-with-all" marriage paradigm assumes that everyone is equally involved with everyone else in the group — one global marriage agreement has to fit every participant at the same time. But dyadic network marriages separately define the terms of each specific 2-person relationship, and these dyadic marriages do not typically happen at the same time (A marries B, B marries C ("V" structure), C marries D ("N" structure), etc. — thus, the shape of the dyadic network dynamically changes over time). Participants in a dyadic network need not even be aware of the specific terms of marriage agreements existing elsewhere within the same dyadic network.

Under the "all-with-all" marriage paradigm, when irreconcilable differences arise there can be no alternative to a complete separation — one person cannot divorce another without ending the entire marriage agreement for everyone involved.

Actually, it doesn’t have to be complicated. This happens with, for example, rock or pop musical acts. Let’s pick a folk music act, Peter, Paul, and Mary, and assume they had equal ownership of the act. Let’s say Paul wants to leave, or Peter and Mary want to leave Paul. Paul gets compensated for 1/3rd of the act or, if there had been an agreement that said otherwise, whatever that agreement said. Then, Peter and Mary would continue on as a duo, and would be free to add new members.

But dyadic networks can function in much the same way as watertight compartmentalization functions in naval vessels, i.e., to limit and contain damage. An intense disagreement between two persons takes place within the context of their marriage, and need not greatly involve (or threaten) the relationships between other participants. Within a well-connected dyadic network, a divorce between two persons need not result in a complete separation of the network — for example, a dyadic network with triangle geometry would simply turn into a dyadic network with "V" geometry. 

An "all-with-all" marriage can only exist or cease to exist. In contrast, the shape of a dyadic network can dynamically change over time. Divorces subtract connections, and marriages add connections. The dyadic network itself either changes shape, separates into two dyadic networks, or merges into another dyadic network, depending on the precise nature of the newly added or subtracted connection. 

The maximum size of an "all-with-all" marriage is limited by the fact that every participant must be aware of the existence of every other participant (otherwise the global marriage contract would be invalid, because it could not satisfy the legal condition known as a "meeting of the minds"). But since a dyadic network relies only upon every participant's local knowledge of his or her own direct partners, its size is theoretically unlimited. The dyadic network paradigm is so powerful that it is theoretically capable of managing a situation in which every adult on earth is legally joined together in a single enormous dyadic network. Thus, with the dyadic network model, the idea of "many loves" is directly translated into a practical reality, and the "infinity" symbol (representing love without limits) is directly matched by a marriage model capable of handling an infinitely large number of participants.

Implementing Dyadic Networks

Within the United States, 41 states (82%) use the "equitable distribution" financial model, which is highly compatible with dyadic networks. But there are also nine other states (18%) with a financial model that is incompatible with dyadic networks - these are collectively referred to as the "community property" states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin).

The implementation method for the "community property" states is that the dyadic networks model will simply coexist with the old "community property" monogamy model. New marriages will automatically default to the dyadic networks model, but if the couple prefers the monogamous "community property" model then they have the option of selecting that model instead.

A triad in a community property state would mean each would get 1/3rd by default. However, that could be modified by pre- or post-nuptial agreements. Ideally, each state should allow people to choose what they want. It wouldn’t be difficult to make a couple of simple questions part of the standard marriage paperwork. If someone wants to be more detailed about who would get what upon leaving or dissolution, they can affic a prenuptial agreement, just like is done now.

Consider, for example, the existing marriage laws of Alaska.  Alaska is an "equitable distribution" state, hence couples who marry in Alaska will marry under the "equitable distribution" model by default, but these couples can instead elect to marry under the "community property" monogamy model if they wish (they do this by executing either a community property agreement or a community property trust).
Alaska thus constitutes an existence proof that both financial models can peacefully coexist within the same U.S. state's legal system.  Alaska's example shows that even community property states can easily be modernized to accomodate dyadic networks.

Polyamorous Committment

The Dyadic Networks model of polyamorous marriage raises important questions related to marital commitment. With a single dyad, the situation is simple; each spouse commits to support and protect the other, and the logic of conventional monogamous marriage applies. However, when multiple dyads intersect in a dyadic network, how exactly does the commitment process work? 

To understand this, let us consider the parent-child relationship.   In the parent-child situation, the support commitment exists only in one direction - from parent to child.  When there is a single parent, the child has a single source of commitment, and all protection must come from that source.  However, when there are two parents, they are jointly responsible for meeting the child's needs.  The precise arrangement is worked out somehow, and provided that the child's needs are being met the law has no need to intervene.  If the child's needs are not being met, then debt collection methods such as garnishing wages, seizing assets, etc. can and do occur in order to ensure that child support takes place.  These actions are typically proportional to income and/or wealth, so the wealthier parent will pay more.  Where a parent has commitments to multiple children, the parent must faithfully carry out his or her responsibilities to each and every child.   Although it may sometimes seem that the needs of children are unlimited, this is not actually the case, and once a child's needs are satisfied (a certain amount of food, shelter, medical care, etc.), all parents of that child may regard their commitments as being satisfied with respect to each need for which adequate provision has been made, regardless of which parent(s) actually did the work of satisfying that need. 

Turning now to commitment in the dyadic network model, this can be understood as a bidirectional version of the parent-child model.  Each dyad represents a commitment of each spouse to the other.  Thus, in a V configuration, the two partners at the ends of the V each rely upon commitments from the single partner at the center of the V (the "pivot") - each of them has one spouse.  The "pivot" partner can rely upon two commitments, one from each of the two partners at the two ends of the V - the pivot partner has two spouses.  If the pivot partner is incapacitated, he or she is in a position comparable to that of a child with two parents - two people are committed to assist him or her and must do so up to the point at which the pivot partner's needs are satisfied.  If one of the partners at the end of the V is incapacitated, he or she has only one spouse to rely upon - the pivot partner, who is fully responsible for meeting the incapacitated partner's needs up to the point at which that partner's needs are satisfied.  If both partners at the end of the V are incapacitated, then the pivot partner is in a position comparable to that of a single parent with two sick children - he or she must meet the needs of both. 

Let us now consider whether the commitment relationship is "transitive" - if A is committed to B, and B is committed to C, does this mean that A is committed to C?  No, this is not the case.  C can legally rely only upon the commitment of B and has no legal basis to expect or receive a commitment from A.  Nor can A rely upon the commitment of C - that could happen only when and if A directly married (mutually committed to) C.  However, suppose that C's needs are so large that B is thereby driven into bankruptcy and becomes destitute.  Then B can rely upon A's commitment to provide B with a certain minimal level of support (food, shelter, medical care, etc.).  Thus C's needs can have an effect on B that causes A to provide more support to B than would have been the case had C not needed to draw heavily upon B's commitment. 

Hence, under the dyadic networks model, positive effects arise as a result of multiple commitments.  When there is only a single dyad, there is a substantial risk that the size of the commitment will exceed the capacity of the committed.  However, when each person is linked to multiple other partners in a dyadic network, this has the effect of bringing in additional capacity to meet any needs that may arise.  Three or four spouses may be easily able to carry a commitment load that would have quickly driven a single spouse into bankruptcy. 

The analogy to parent-child relationships carries over into other situations as well.  Just as it would be improper to discriminate against a parent for having too many children (or too few children), so it would be improper to discriminate against a person for having too many or too few spouses.  But with each additional child comes an additional commitment, and the same is true of an additional spouse.  Adding another child to one's health insurance coverage will usually result in an increased monthly charge for the insurance, thus adding another spouse would probably have a comparable effect.  But a child, or a spouse, only needs to be covered once, regardless of how many parents, or spouses, are available to provide that coverage.  Also, a spouse may be economically self-supporting and thus able to pay for his or her own health insurance, so in this respect the total support cost for an additional spouse would then be zero. 

Having drawn lessons from the parent-child relationship and applied them to dyadic networks, let us now draw a lesson from dyadic networks and apply it to the parent-child relationship.  

Just as there is no inherent reason why a person should not have more than one spouse, so there is no inherent reason why a child should not have more than two parents.  When the law of marriage is updated to legally support dyadic networks, the existing adoption mechanism can be used as a means by which additional commitments to children can be created.  For example, a single dyad may have already produced two children when each member of the dyad marries a third partner, thus creating a triangle.  The newest member of this dyadic network can then execute two adoptions to become the third parent of each of the dyad's two children.  Hence, in this situation, each of the three adults now has two spouses and two children.  To the extent that any legal barriers might hinder the use of adoption in this manner, such legal barriers would also need to be direct targets of polyamory's legal activism (in addition, of course, to updating the law of marriage to support dyadic networks). 

This N-parent situation has already been raised in the New York Times (When 3 Really Is A Crowd, July 16 2007, http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/16/opinion/16marquardt.html): “On April 30, a state Superior Court panel ruled that a child can have three legal parents.  […]  Arthur S. Leonard, a professor at New York Law School, observed, 'I’m unaware of any other state appellate court that has found that a child has, simultaneously, three adults who are financially obligated to the child’s support and are also entitled to visitation.'  […]  As one advocate of polygamy argued in Newsweek, 'If Heather can have two mommies, she should also be able to have two mommies and a daddy.' If more children are granted three legal parents, what is our rationale for denying these families the rights and protections of marriage?”  Our firm answer: there cannot be any legitimate rationale for the unconstitutional denial of this legal protection to polyamorous families 

The New York Times op-ed raises a question: “Conflicts will undoubtedly arise when three parents confront the sticky, conflict-ridden reality of child-raising, often leading to a nasty, three-way custody battle. Even if they part amicably, they may still want to live in three different homes. In that case, how many homes should children travel between to satisfy the parenting needs of many adults?”  The legal answer has been provided by New York Law School Professor Arthur S. Leonard (Pennsylvania Court Finds Three Adults Can Have Parental Rights,  May 01, 2007, http://newyorklawschool.typepad.com/leonardlink/2007/05/pennsylvania_co.html): “[...] the court gave Jennifer primary custody of the one nephew who was living with her, and partial custody (visitation rights) with the other three children; Jodilynn got primary custody of the three children and partial custody (visitation) with the one nephew, and Carl was awarded partial custody (visitation) of one weekend a month with his two children.”  In the event of divorce, family law judges will calculate child support obligations and distribute visitation rights in accordance with the best interests of the child(ren).

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Posted in: freedom to marry,group,law,polyamory,polygamy,quads,triads

Dear Abby Implies Polyamory is Insane

I sure would like to see advice columnists get more progressive when it comes to consensual adult relationships and sexuality. "HEARTBROKEN MOM IN FLORIDA" wrote to Dear Abby...

My daughters are attractive young women, both doing well in their professional careers. "Melanie," who is 27, is married to "Sam," an extremely attractive and successful man.

My 30-year-old daughter, "Alicia," has been divorced for a year. Her marriage failed two years ago because she and her husband had an appetite for sex outside their marriage.

Is that the letter writer's assumption? Some people assume that if a polyamorous couple or a couple in an open relation breaks up, it is because they aren't monogamous. However, many monogamists break up without cheating being the cause, and many polyamorists break up without cheating nor what has been mutually agreed being the cause.

While I was disturbed about that, I was horrified to learn that Melanie allows her sister to occasionally have sex with Sam.

Horrified to learn that one of her daughters "allows" the other daughter to have sex with her husband? Why is that something to be horrified about, if all three of them want that and have agreed to that? Be horrified if someone abuses people or animals, or commits arson. But horrified over consensual sex?

Melanie's argument is that Sam is less likely to cheat given this situation. When I asked her and Sam about it, he said it wasn't his idea.

Some people seem surprised that women enjoy sex (makes me feel sorry for them or their partners) or that women experience compersion.

My current husband says any man who would refuse this "set-up" would be nuts.

Well, we know what he wants! Seriously, there are probably men who are entirely sane who wouldn't want this, for any number of reasons, but it is a common fantasy.

Alicia claims she "doesn't have time" to date right now, and after she finishes her MBA, she'll seek out a more normal relationship.

These could be things they are saying to calm the letter writer down and get her to accept things gradually. Or, it could be their actual intention. Would the writer really prefer Alicia have sex with men who are essentially strangers? The letter is written with that tone. Isn't it safer with someone she knows?

I am distraught about this mess.

Distraught? Horrified and distraught? The letter writer must be living a rather charmed life for this to be her big problem and concern.

Melanie says she wants to start a family soon. She says she loves Sam, who can "handle everything," and she enjoys seeing "everyone happy."

Compersion?

She says Alicia won't sleep around now and, maybe, one day she'll marry a handsome man like Sam who will "return the favor"!

Sounds like her daughters may be into swapping. I'm curious as to what is really going on, since I doubt the daughters are telling their judgmental mother everything. Did Alicia's ex have sex with Melanie? Did they get together as a group? Is it that Sam & Alicia have sex while Melanie is elsewhere? Or does Melanie watch, or make love to Sam at the same time, or do they do threesome sex? Those are all possibilities. If their mother is so distraught at the idea that Sam has sex with both of them, they certainly wouldn't tell her if they are all three involved at the same time.

Should I continue to protest or let it go?

She should let it go. It is their relationship to have.

Is this relaxed attitude about sex prevalent in young people today? 

Adults of all ages are more sex-positive these days.

I cannot understand Melanie's lack of desire to defend her turf.

I doubt the letter writer would want Melanie and Sam to be D/s, so ownership doesn't apply. Sam is not Melanie's property; he is her husband, and one she chooses to share. It doesn't sound like Melanie is losing out on anything, or doing with any less.

Dear Abby's response was disappointing...

Your daughters appear to be into the concept of open marriage. Clearly, they do not view marriage and relationships the same way you do.

That was a good way of putting it. Then...

Melanie is naive to think that encouraging Sam to have a sexual relationship with her sister will discourage him from seeking other partners. Far from it.

Why is that assumption made? If Sam is getting all of the sex he can handle, he isn't likely to seek out someone else. What's more, people can have polifidelity. Many people do.

Are you right to protest? You certainly are. That's what mothers are for -- to inject a dose of sanity when everyone around her is losing theirs.

She would have told the writer to MYOB instead of implying that her daughters are not sane.

If any readers of this blog have experience with a situation like this, let us know! Anyone else is free to comment, too.

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Posted in: boundaries,cheating,consanguineous,family reaction,group,love,myths,open,polyamory,polygyny,quads,siblings,sister-sister,triads

Dear Abby Implies Polyamory is Insane

I sure would like to see advice columnists get more progressive when it comes to consensual adult relationships and sexuality. "HEARTBROKEN MOM IN FLORIDA" wrote to Dear Abby...

My daughters are attractive young women, both doing well in their professional careers. "Melanie," who is 27, is married to "Sam," an extremely attractive and successful man.

My 30-year-old daughter, "Alicia," has been divorced for a year. Her marriage failed two years ago because she and her husband had an appetite for sex outside their marriage.

Is that the letter writer's assumption? Some people assume that if a polyamorous couple or a couple in an open relation breaks up, it is because they aren't monogamous. However, many monogamists break up without cheating being the cause, and many polyamorists break up without cheating nor what has been mutually agreed being the cause.

While I was disturbed about that, I was horrified to learn that Melanie allows her sister to occasionally have sex with Sam.

Horrified to learn that one of her daughters "allows" the other daughter to have sex with her husband? Why is that something to be horrified about, if all three of them want that and have agreed to that? Be horrified if someone abuses people or animals, or commits arson. But horrified over consensual sex?

Melanie's argument is that Sam is less likely to cheat given this situation. When I asked her and Sam about it, he said it wasn't his idea.

Some people seem surprised that women enjoy sex (makes me feel sorry for them or their partners) or that women experience compersion.

My current husband says any man who would refuse this "set-up" would be nuts.

Well, we know what he wants! Seriously, there are probably men who are entirely sane who wouldn't want this, for any number of reasons, but it is a common fantasy.

Alicia claims she "doesn't have time" to date right now, and after she finishes her MBA, she'll seek out a more normal relationship.

These could be things they are saying to calm the letter writer down and get her to accept things gradually. Or, it could be their actual intention. Would the writer really prefer Alicia have sex with men who are essentially strangers? The letter is written with that tone. Isn't it safer with someone she knows?

I am distraught about this mess.

Distraught? Horrified and distraught? The letter writer must be living a rather charmed life for this to be her big problem and concern.

Melanie says she wants to start a family soon. She says she loves Sam, who can "handle everything," and she enjoys seeing "everyone happy."

Compersion?

She says Alicia won't sleep around now and, maybe, one day she'll marry a handsome man like Sam who will "return the favor"!

Sounds like her daughters may be into swapping. I'm curious as to what is really going on, since I doubt the daughters are telling their judgmental mother everything. Did Alicia's ex have sex with Melanie? Did they get together as a group? Is it that Sam & Alicia have sex while Melanie is elsewhere? Or does Melanie watch, or make love to Sam at the same time, or do they do threesome sex? Those are all possibilities. If their mother is so distraught at the idea that Sam has sex with both of them, they certainly wouldn't tell her if they are all three involved at the same time.

Should I continue to protest or let it go?

She should let it go. It is their relationship to have.

Is this relaxed attitude about sex prevalent in young people today? 

Adults of all ages are more sex-positive these days.

I cannot understand Melanie's lack of desire to defend her turf.

I doubt the letter writer would want Melanie and Sam to be D/s, so ownership doesn't apply. Sam is not Melanie's property; he is her husband, and one she chooses to share. It doesn't sound like Melanie is losing out on anything, or doing with any less.

Dear Abby's response was disappointing...

Your daughters appear to be into the concept of open marriage. Clearly, they do not view marriage and relationships the same way you do.

That was a good way of putting it. Then...

Melanie is naive to think that encouraging Sam to have a sexual relationship with her sister will discourage him from seeking other partners. Far from it.

Why is that assumption made? If Sam is getting all of the sex he can handle, he isn't likely to seek out someone else. What's more, people can have polifidelity. Many people do.

Are you right to protest? You certainly are. That's what mothers are for -- to inject a dose of sanity when everyone around her is losing theirs.

She would have told the writer to MYOB instead of implying that her daughters are not sane.

If any readers of this blog have experience with a situation like this, let us know! Anyone else is free to comment, too.

Read more »

Posted in: boundaries,cheating,consanguineous,family reaction,group,love,myths,open,polyamory,polygyny,quads,siblings,sister-sister,triads