Siblings on a Journey

Growing up and becoming an adult, every person must go through her or his own journey in their gender expression and discovering their sexuality, whatever her or his orientation. Confusion, doubt, insecurity, and frustration are common experiences, even more so if what someone is feeling and experiencing is stigmatized by law or some other form of discrimination. Having a safe place to talk honestly can be very important in helping people. For people in consanguinamorous relationships, there's no better place than Kindred Spirits forum.

The most common expression of consanguinamory other than between cousins is between siblings. It is not uncommon for siblings to experiment, explore, or even develop something much deeper and lasting. But any given pair of siblings might feel like they are the only people in the world going through what they're going through, and might have internalized prejudice and stigmas that say any expression or exploration of sexuality is dirty, let alone between siblings. You can see the love, and also the struggle, in the words of a young women who is active at Kindred Spirits, who wrote a while back...

I became involved with my brother when I was 17 and he was 19... It happened purely by accident and there was a lot of confusion, shame and hurt feelings at first. For a while we weren't in any kind of relationship, but as our lives and perspectives have changed, so has that situation. He is a wonderful man and I love him very much. We are at a crossroads but are slowly facing things together. I still have a hard time admitting to myself or even believing that I am in this position, but here I am. It means so much to find a community like this. We are here, and this IS real life! You just wouldn't know it unless we revealed our relationships to you.

She went on to write...

It's sad that the word "incest" has such an ugly sound to it, and such ugly connotations. For many of us, it is totally consensual and natural. It is a natural extension of our familial closeness. I understand that to many people a physical relationship is crossing the line, but really, in any relationship we are seeking that close, intimate bond that we all already have with our family. For some of us, that unfolds into something more complex, yet infinitely beautiful. If it's right, it will feel right, and then, why should you not be allowed to go with those feelings?

And...

Money, to me, is not as important as the other things - love, emotional connection, trust, intimacy all that. Frankly, I'm worried about what may or may not come next, but I try not to overdo it and just take it one day at a time. We are planning our future as best we can while still living in the present. It is scary, that's for sure, but I know he is 100% worth it. At some point we will have to come out to those around us, but until then, we are taking this journey slowly and carefully. I love Michael so very much, and whatever happens, NOTHING will change that. Even if our romantic relationship were to end, our sibling relationship would still come out stronger for what we have endured together I believe.

After an absence, she returned recently to explain...

I was in a really difficult situation over the summer when it was found out by our family we were involved, but that is being worked out. It is still very complicated, but I am just hoping I can still participate here from time to time.

And...

Things have been getting better. Our parents found out what was going on but I do not think they know how far it had gone. We've both gone to counseling just out of love and respect for out parents. The relationship with them is still strained, but much better than before.

And finally...

We avoided each other for a long time, and there is still some tension and we do argue a bit more about how to proceed, and about how to handle the future, but it is better and we are still seeing each other. We have, at times, seen other people, and I don't think we will be able to have a full blown relationship like many "normal" couples. The nature of our relationship has changed a bit, but things are getting back to normal. However, for several weeks things cooled off a LOT. We also realize that we are not willing to sacrifice our family, and most importantly our parents and our relationship to them. Right now, we aren't technically a couple, but its more than just a friends with benefits arrangements. In fact, it feels like we have a very special bond (which we do) that no other romantic relationship will be able to compete with. So, really, when we have dated other people, it's more like they were the "friend with benefits", although those people never knew what was going on, and that was hard. We were always able to come back to each other. That's how it's always been before we even became involved physically. The physical part is just an extension of the closeness we have shared throughout our lives. I know it may sound strange to some but that is how things have worked out.

It is better for all if these relationships are not forced into a closet, but rather are allowed to run their course. That course might be short-term, they may be for life. But when others try to interfere, and lovers feel pressured to date others, it isn't good for anyone. For someone who hasn't had experiences like this, who does not feel any attraction to a sibling, it could seem strange. But that doesn't make it wrong for these siblings to share this with each other. Who loves them more?

As I always remind my readers, if you want to join Kindred Spirits (it's free), which is NOT just for siblings but is a place to talk about any kind of consanguinamorous relationship, be sure to read and immediately follow all of the rules, or they will kick you right out.




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Growing up and becoming an adult, every person must go through her or his own journey in their gender expression and discovering their sexuality, whatever her or his orientation. Confusion, doubt, insecurity, and frustration are common experiences, even more so if what someone is feeling and experiencing is stigmatized by law or some other form of discrimination. Having a safe place to talk honestly can be very important in helping people. For people in consanguinamorous relationships, there's no better place than Kindred Spirits forum.

The most common expression of consanguinamory other than between cousins is between siblings. It is not uncommon for siblings to experiment, explore, or even develop something much deeper and lasting. But any given pair of siblings might feel like they are the only people in the world going through what they're going through, and might have internalized prejudice and stigmas that say any expression or exploration of sexuality is dirty, let alone between siblings. You can see the love, and also the struggle, in the words of a young women who is active at Kindred Spirits, who wrote a while back...

I became involved with my brother when I was 17 and he was 19... It happened purely by accident and there was a lot of confusion, shame and hurt feelings at first. For a while we weren't in any kind of relationship, but as our lives and perspectives have changed, so has that situation. He is a wonderful man and I love him very much. We are at a crossroads but are slowly facing things together. I still have a hard time admitting to myself or even believing that I am in this position, but here I am. It means so much to find a community like this. We are here, and this IS real life! You just wouldn't know it unless we revealed our relationships to you.

She went on to write...

It's sad that the word "incest" has such an ugly sound to it, and such ugly connotations. For many of us, it is totally consensual and natural. It is a natural extension of our familial closeness. I understand that to many people a physical relationship is crossing the line, but really, in any relationship we are seeking that close, intimate bond that we all already have with our family. For some of us, that unfolds into something more complex, yet infinitely beautiful. If it's right, it will feel right, and then, why should you not be allowed to go with those feelings?

And...

Money, to me, is not as important as the other things - love, emotional connection, trust, intimacy all that. Frankly, I'm worried about what may or may not come next, but I try not to overdo it and just take it one day at a time. We are planning our future as best we can while still living in the present. It is scary, that's for sure, but I know he is 100% worth it. At some point we will have to come out to those around us, but until then, we are taking this journey slowly and carefully. I love Michael so very much, and whatever happens, NOTHING will change that. Even if our romantic relationship were to end, our sibling relationship would still come out stronger for what we have endured together I believe.

After an absence, she returned recently to explain...

I was in a really difficult situation over the summer when it was found out by our family we were involved, but that is being worked out. It is still very complicated, but I am just hoping I can still participate here from time to time.

And...

Things have been getting better. Our parents found out what was going on but I do not think they know how far it had gone. We've both gone to counseling just out of love and respect for out parents. The relationship with them is still strained, but much better than before.

And finally...

We avoided each other for a long time, and there is still some tension and we do argue a bit more about how to proceed, and about how to handle the future, but it is better and we are still seeing each other. We have, at times, seen other people, and I don't think we will be able to have a full blown relationship like many "normal" couples. The nature of our relationship has changed a bit, but things are getting back to normal. However, for several weeks things cooled off a LOT. We also realize that we are not willing to sacrifice our family, and most importantly our parents and our relationship to them. Right now, we aren't technically a couple, but its more than just a friends with benefits arrangements. In fact, it feels like we have a very special bond (which we do) that no other romantic relationship will be able to compete with. So, really, when we have dated other people, it's more like they were the "friend with benefits", although those people never knew what was going on, and that was hard. We were always able to come back to each other. That's how it's always been before we even became involved physically. The physical part is just an extension of the closeness we have shared throughout our lives. I know it may sound strange to some but that is how things have worked out.

It is better for all if these relationships are not forced into a closet, but rather are allowed to run their course. That course might be short-term, they may be for life. But when others try to interfere, and lovers feel pressured to date others, it isn't good for anyone. For someone who hasn't had experiences like this, who does not feel any attraction to a sibling, it could seem strange. But that doesn't make it wrong for these siblings to share this with each other. Who loves them more?

As I always remind my readers, if you want to join Kindred Spirits (it's free), which is NOT just for siblings but is a place to talk about any kind of consanguinamorous relationship, be sure to read and immediately follow all of the rules, or they will kick you right out.

Posted in: boundaries,brother-sister,coming out,consanguineous,family reaction,help,incest,lack of equality harms,love,siblings