Polyamory is for Immature People - And Other False Statments

Maria Merloni has some interesting things to say at Synergistic Energy Exchange, where polyamory is a topic. This time, it is "What Polyamory is Not."

1.  The “easy way out”.  It is now absolutely hilarious to me that anyone would think polyamory is the easy way out!  There are so many things to deal with that either don’t exist or aren’t as intense in monogamy.

There are trade-offs to all actions. Entering into a polyamorous relationship is not an exception. For people who are polyamorous as part of who they are, it will be "easier" to be in a polyamorous relationship than to work at keeping a relationship monogamous, just as if someone needs monogamy, they will find that much easier than being a polyamorous relationship. A parallel can be made to someone who is gay. A gay man will find it much easier to be in a relationship with another man than a woman, but that doesn't make it easy overall. And just as there are monogamous bisexuals who can be in a relationship with either a man or a woman, there are people who can be happy in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship. But some people couldn't be happy in a monogamous relationship because they are polyamorous, just as they are blue-eyed or left-handed.

Merloni goes on to cite the very things that cause some monogamists to recognize that polaymory would not suit them, and thus is not the easy way out...

Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning.  So does coordination of schedules.  And jealousy.  And introspection.  A need for being conscious.  Figuring out sleeping arrangements.  And these are just to name a few

Yes. Every relationship and every form of relationship has its own issues.

2.  A sign of immaturity.  Maturity level and polyamory have nothing to do with each other.  Except for the fact that if you want to be polyamorous, you’d better be pretty darn mature, or it does not bode well for your success in that lifestyle.

Time and time again, I've seen people in monogamous relationships wondering if there was something they were doing wrong because their partner was behaving immaturely. "Maybe it's me" they'll say. However, when there are other people who are there to tell you no, it isn't you, I've noticed it, too then the immature person can be called out by multiple people.

3.  All about sex.

Polyamory is no more all about sex than monogamy. But I don't deny that polyamorous people are probably, in general, having a lot more fun.

4.  For those with poor boundaries.

Heck no, it isn't. You need to be able to be clear about boundaries or there will be a big mess very quickly.

5.  For the insecure.

Any relationship with an overly insecure person is difficult. It is impossible for such a person to function in a polyamorous relationship. They'll be miserable and anyone who is with them will be, too.

Polyamory isn't about being indecisive, or not wanting to settle down or not wanting to commit, or about wanting your cake and eating it, too. Rather, is more often about baking multiple cakes for multiple other people, or about it being fine to share a large cake with more than one other person, or realizing that you can make a bigger cake. Anyone who looks as either polyamory or monogamy as all and only about what they can get out of other people is going to be very bad at relationships.

Polyamorous relationships are something that some people find fulfilling and beneficial.

I don't assume monogamists having something wrong with them because they are monogamists, and nobody should consider polyamorists as having something wrong with them because they are polyamorists.

Some people are polyamorous as who they are, and some others are in happy, lasting polyamorous relationships even if they have been happy in monogamous relationships before. Regardless, nobody should face prosecution, bullying, shaming, or discrimination because of their relationships with consenting adults.
"item"'>Maria Merloni has some interesting things to say at Synergistic Energy Exchange, where polyamory is a topic. This time, it is "What Polyamory is Not."

1.  The “easy way out”.  It is now absolutely hilarious to me that anyone would think polyamory is the easy way out!  There are so many things to deal with that either don’t exist or aren’t as intense in monogamy.

There are trade-offs to all actions. Entering into a polyamorous relationship is not an exception. For people who are polyamorous as part of who they are, it will be "easier" to be in a polyamorous relationship than to work at keeping a relationship monogamous, just as if someone needs monogamy, they will find that much easier than being a polyamorous relationship. A parallel can be made to someone who is gay. A gay man will find it much easier to be in a relationship with another man than a woman, but that doesn't make it easy overall. And just as there are monogamous bisexuals who can be in a relationship with either a man or a woman, there are people who can be happy in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship. But some people couldn't be happy in a monogamous relationship because they are polyamorous, just as they are blue-eyed or left-handed.

Merloni goes on to cite the very things that cause some monogamists to recognize that polaymory would not suit them, and thus is not the easy way out...

Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning.  So does coordination of schedules.  And jealousy.  And introspection.  A need for being conscious.  Figuring out sleeping arrangements.  And these are just to name a few

Yes. Every relationship and every form of relationship has its own issues.

2.  A sign of immaturity.  Maturity level and polyamory have nothing to do with each other.  Except for the fact that if you want to be polyamorous, you’d better be pretty darn mature, or it does not bode well for your success in that lifestyle.

Time and time again, I've seen people in monogamous relationships wondering if there was something they were doing wrong because their partner was behaving immaturely. "Maybe it's me" they'll say. However, when there are other people who are there to tell you no, it isn't you, I've noticed it, too then the immature person can be called out by multiple people.

3.  All about sex.

Polyamory is no more all about sex than monogamy. But I don't deny that polyamorous people are probably, in general, having a lot more fun.

4.  For those with poor boundaries.

Heck no, it isn't. You need to be able to be clear about boundaries or there will be a big mess very quickly.

5.  For the insecure.

Any relationship with an overly insecure person is difficult. It is impossible for such a person to function in a polyamorous relationship. They'll be miserable and anyone who is with them will be, too.

Polyamory isn't about being indecisive, or not wanting to settle down or not wanting to commit, or about wanting your cake and eating it, too. Rather, is more often about baking multiple cakes for multiple other people, or about it being fine to share a large cake with more than one other person, or realizing that you can make a bigger cake. Anyone who looks as either polyamory or monogamy as all and only about what they can get out of other people is going to be very bad at relationships.

Polyamorous relationships are something that some people find fulfilling and beneficial.

I don't assume monogamists having something wrong with them because they are monogamists, and nobody should consider polyamorists as having something wrong with them because they are polyamorists.

Some people are polyamorous as who they are, and some others are in happy, lasting polyamorous relationships even if they have been happy in monogamous relationships before. Regardless, nobody should face prosecution, bullying, shaming, or discrimination because of their relationships with consenting adults.

Posted in: boundaries,myths,polyamory