Dan Savage Column Missing Very Important Details

This blog has covered Dan Savage's column before when it has dealt with father fantasies. I was bothered by this recent edition because of some important details that aren't provided.

No Acronym Seems To Yodel writes in...

I’m a straight guy in my early 30s with an amazing girlfriend of two years. A few months ago, I felt open enough to share my taboo fantasy: father-daughter incest. My GF, to my delight, not only understands the fantasy but enjoys participating in it!

As regular readers of this blog know, I prefer using the terms "consanguineous sex" and "consanguinamory" precisely for the problem here. "Incest" can mean very different things. The letter never makes it clear whether this fantasy is about consensual sex with an adult daughter, or whether it is assault or molestation of a child.

Quickly: I have zero interest in this kind of thing actually happening. I understand the kind of damage that sexual abuse can do and has done to many, many women, and I would never pursue something like this in real life.

That may imply that this is fantasizing about assault/molestation, but I can't be sure because people mistakenly (out of either ignorance or willful hate) insist that there's no such thing as consensual sex between a grown woman and her father. We know otherwise.

Now the problem: We’ve added the “wrinkle” of me talking to another man on the phone while my GF fellates me. The man — a stranger, someone we found online — has been led to believe that I am being fellated by my daughter while we speak. Of course, he can hear the noises associated with said activity while he and I are talking. We do not in any way lead these guys to believe that they have a chance to meet us. We want to enjoy our sexual fantasies, but we worry that we could be inadvertently encouraging someone to make their fantasies a reality. Any advice?

Of course nobody should ever be encouraged to assault or molest someone. There should be no worries about inspiring consensual sex between others.

Savage responded...

As for your problem, NASTY, most people with incest fantasies insist that they’re not turned on by the idea of having sex with their actual parents, siblings or children. Incest scenarios turn them on abstractly, but they have zero interest in their own siblings or parents or children specifically. That can’t be true for all incest fetishists — statistically speaking — but any incest fetishists who’re turned on by the thought of actually f---ing their sibs, parents or children would have a motive — or the good sense to lie.

The tone seems less than supportive of consanguinamory.

Does exploring something taboo through fantasy make someone likelier to go and do that thing in real life?

The evidence we’ve got about porn points to no.

Savage then backs up the statement with fact. You can read it yourself.

Advice columnists, journalists in general, and others need to make a clear distinction between consensual sex and abuse, just like every person should in their personal life."item"'>

This blog has covered Dan Savage's column before when it has dealt with father fantasies. I was bothered by this recent edition because of some important details that aren't provided.

No Acronym Seems To Yodel writes in...

I’m a straight guy in my early 30s with an amazing girlfriend of two years. A few months ago, I felt open enough to share my taboo fantasy: father-daughter incest. My GF, to my delight, not only understands the fantasy but enjoys participating in it!

As regular readers of this blog know, I prefer using the terms "consanguineous sex" and "consanguinamory" precisely for the problem here. "Incest" can mean very different things. The letter never makes it clear whether this fantasy is about consensual sex with an adult daughter, or whether it is assault or molestation of a child.

Quickly: I have zero interest in this kind of thing actually happening. I understand the kind of damage that sexual abuse can do and has done to many, many women, and I would never pursue something like this in real life.

That may imply that this is fantasizing about assault/molestation, but I can't be sure because people mistakenly (out of either ignorance or willful hate) insist that there's no such thing as consensual sex between a grown woman and her father. We know otherwise.

Now the problem: We’ve added the “wrinkle” of me talking to another man on the phone while my GF fellates me. The man — a stranger, someone we found online — has been led to believe that I am being fellated by my daughter while we speak. Of course, he can hear the noises associated with said activity while he and I are talking. We do not in any way lead these guys to believe that they have a chance to meet us. We want to enjoy our sexual fantasies, but we worry that we could be inadvertently encouraging someone to make their fantasies a reality. Any advice?

Of course nobody should ever be encouraged to assault or molest someone. There should be no worries about inspiring consensual sex between others.

Savage responded...

As for your problem, NASTY, most people with incest fantasies insist that they’re not turned on by the idea of having sex with their actual parents, siblings or children. Incest scenarios turn them on abstractly, but they have zero interest in their own siblings or parents or children specifically. That can’t be true for all incest fetishists — statistically speaking — but any incest fetishists who’re turned on by the thought of actually f---ing their sibs, parents or children would have a motive — or the good sense to lie.

The tone seems less than supportive of consanguinamory.

Does exploring something taboo through fantasy make someone likelier to go and do that thing in real life?

The evidence we’ve got about porn points to no.

Savage then backs up the statement with fact. You can read it yourself.

Advice columnists, journalists in general, and others need to make a clear distinction between consensual sex and abuse, just like every person should in their personal life.

Posted in: boundaries,consanguineous,father-daughter,incest,media,terminology