When Someone You're Dating Has Something to Tell You

A very interesting discussion thread was underway at datehookup.com that, unfortunately, was deleted. But not before I found it. Ha! It was about "dating those who have been involved in incest." That is a legitimate discussion topic, whether one is referring to rape/molestation or consensual sex/consanguinamory, which are two very different things. But whichever definition for "incest" one is using, anyone who dates more than a few people in their lifetime dates someone who has been involved, whether the topic is discussed or not. Consensual incest is a very real part of life, and, unfortunately, so it rape or molestation by a close relative, and both can have implications for dating relationships. Consanguinamory is still criminalized in many places, not everywhere. I fail to see why this isn't a valid topic of discussion.


calthropstu starting the thread off, referring to consensual sex...

Here is the scenario I propose:
You have been dating someone for 4 months and you are highly interested in him/her. Then they suddenly drop a bombshell: they have been in a relationship with a brother/sister, parent, aunt/uncle or first cousin. Maybe there is even a kid involved.


Would you break up with them immediately or continue the relationship?

He added later...

No, I'm posting a hypothetical. This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. She was dating this guy and got really creeped out when he told her that he told her he used to sleep with his sister. She ended up dumping him after 4 months when he told her this.
I'm wondering if this is the reaction most people would take. I personally wouldn't care so long as it was in the past and stayed in the past.

Several people simply expressed confusion and begged out of the discussion, perhaps protesting too much. Others made immature and even libelous criminal accusations against the original poster. Several people said consensual incest was wrong, unacceptable, and sick, but without offering a good reason for their opinion.

Finally, [someone whose username has been removed*] gave a serious reply...

I had this happen from a guy I met on another site two years ago. Him and his mother were actualy bed buddies. When I found out, him and her both thought nothing wrong and she in fact admitted she saw nothing wrong in having sex with her other two sons as well.. All in thier late 40's.


I also found porn picture of old disgusting looking shrivelled women like his mom in the drawer next to his bed!!!


Needless to say I grabbed my purse, walked out of thier house and never looked back, did not answer any calls, nore did I ever answer the door when he came calling!!!




It's sick!!!

People are going to have their feelings. The problem is when they try to impose consequences for their feelings on everyone else.


max811had a short, simple response...

That would weird me out I would have to call it quits.

tessie_id made her feelings clear...

I wouldn't just walk to the nearest excit, but RUN!! Get into my car and NEVER look back.


Why would you even want to continue to be with this person after that type of confession? You do not know what kind of demons that person is dealing with and how it will influence your relationship, not to mention what will go on if children are brought into the relationship. WHY on earth would you even consider putting children through something like that????


why why why????

snarky_muffin wrote...

I'd find out all the circumstances first, but more than likely I'd get the hell outta there.

The original poster was finally forced to add...

Hell no, no, no, no, and no.


I do not see it as ok, but I understand people make mistakes especially as teenagers. They teach us in high school that such relationships lead to physical defects especially if carried out over several generations. But given my own past mistakes, how can I hold someones mistakes against them? If I am asking someone I care about to overlook my own past how can I not overlook theirs?


It's a mistake, a big one, but if it's in the past how can i not forgive?

tater79  wrote...

I would break up with them immediately ..........the end

it's shows that they lack character, and shows that they have a different value system than I have.

some things are a no no.........and that is one of them

amargosa added, mixing the two definitions...

Incest is a troubling subject, but it happens, and it happens much more often than anyone wants to admit, just like adultery. 2 of my college professors specialized in incest, so I heard far more about it than I wanted to know. Some studies have shown that depending on what part of the country you are looking at, as many as 30% or even 40% have lost their virginity to either siblings or more distant relatives such as aunts and uncles and cousins. One of my closest friends lost his virginity to a 27 yr old aunt when he was twelve. No one wants to talk about it, but incest is definitely the 800 lb gorilla in America's living room.


My own ex-wife was raped by a 27 yr old cousin when she was 7. This continued until she was 14 and finally told him no. It was a problem in our marriage because I wanted her to come out with it and bust this guy. She refused, saying that it was a family thing that was done and over with and needed to be forgotten. It made me mad as hell. She even wanted us to be sociable with this guy and his wife. All I could see whenever I looked at him was a pedophile that I wanted to kill. I have made sure that my kids know about him and they never let my grandkids anywhere near him.

I'd 'be very interested in YOUR thoughts and experiences on this. You can leave a comment below, even anonymously.

It is discussions like that one which scare people from coming out of the closet, even to someone which whom they are supposedly having an intimate relationship. The stigma against consanguineous exploration and consanguinamory hardly creates an atmosphere for rational discussion.


Here's what I'd advise to someone who has what seems like a good, promising relationship with someone who shares such information with them:

Listen with a open mind and friendly ear. Don't condemn.

Ask open-ended, nonjudgmental questions that will help you determine if this was an attack or mutual exploration/recreation/lovemaking.

If this was an attack (assault, coercion, molestation,) was this person a victim or a perpetrator? It should be obvious that if someone has preyed on another person, especially a child, the circumstances under which you should have a relationship would be very limited. With victims, there are certain things you'll need to keep in mind as the person was likely traumatized and will likely still be experiencing the effects, having some impact on your relationship. As noted by amargosa, some victims do not protect others from predators; once you know someone is a predator, you should never allow them contact with children.

If it was consensual, it is a very different story, but can still have an impact on your relationship. If, after educating yourself through websites like this one, you still can't accept it and thus carry on a healthy relationship, it is best to let that person go rather than harbor negative feelings towards them. If you can accept it, you need to figure out if it really did end and if so, why it ended. Otherwise, you'd have to be a rare polyamorous person who could handle it still going on or possibly happening again. Consanguinamorous bonds can be extremely strong, and even if they fight like cats and dogs, some such lovers are never satisfied with anyone else.

*I got this email on March 19, 2013:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN....

I CAME ACROSS YOUR SITE AFTER LOOKING UP PAST POSTS I HAD MADE ON DATEHOOKUP.COM.  AND I WAS QUITE SUPRISED THAT "YOU" ON YOUR SITE HAD USED MY NAME, MY POSTS IN THE FORUMS, AND EVEN A LINK TO MY PROFILE.

 ALL WITHOUT ANY PERMISSION FROM ME WHAT SO EVER!

I WANT IT REMOVED IMEDIATELY OR I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SUE, AS YOU "DO NOT" HAVE MY PERMISSION TO USE ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY ASSOCIATED WITH ME, MY POSTS, MY NAME, OR MY PICTURES!!!

I complied, even though I doubt this person has a legal leg to stand on. When you have a public profile in a public forum, and you write something in that public forum, it isn't illegal to quote from you or link to your profile.

"item"'>A very interesting discussion thread was underway at datehookup.com that, unfortunately, was deleted. But not before I found it. Ha! It was about "dating those who have been involved in incest." That is a legitimate discussion topic, whether one is referring to rape/molestation or consensual sex/consanguinamory, which are two very different things. But whichever definition for "incest" one is using, anyone who dates more than a few people in their lifetime dates someone who has been involved, whether the topic is discussed or not. Consensual incest is a very real part of life, and, unfortunately, so it rape or molestation by a close relative, and both can have implications for dating relationships. Consanguinamory is still criminalized in many places, not everywhere. I fail to see why this isn't a valid topic of discussion.


calthropstu starting the thread off, referring to consensual sex...

Here is the scenario I propose:
You have been dating someone for 4 months and you are highly interested in him/her. Then they suddenly drop a bombshell: they have been in a relationship with a brother/sister, parent, aunt/uncle or first cousin. Maybe there is even a kid involved.


Would you break up with them immediately or continue the relationship?

He added later...

No, I'm posting a hypothetical. This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. She was dating this guy and got really creeped out when he told her that he told her he used to sleep with his sister. She ended up dumping him after 4 months when he told her this.
I'm wondering if this is the reaction most people would take. I personally wouldn't care so long as it was in the past and stayed in the past.

Several people simply expressed confusion and begged out of the discussion, perhaps protesting too much. Others made immature and even libelous criminal accusations against the original poster. Several people said consensual incest was wrong, unacceptable, and sick, but without offering a good reason for their opinion.

Finally, [someone whose username has been removed*] gave a serious reply...

I had this happen from a guy I met on another site two years ago. Him and his mother were actualy bed buddies. When I found out, him and her both thought nothing wrong and she in fact admitted she saw nothing wrong in having sex with her other two sons as well.. All in thier late 40's.


I also found porn picture of old disgusting looking shrivelled women like his mom in the drawer next to his bed!!!


Needless to say I grabbed my purse, walked out of thier house and never looked back, did not answer any calls, nore did I ever answer the door when he came calling!!!




It's sick!!!

People are going to have their feelings. The problem is when they try to impose consequences for their feelings on everyone else.


max811had a short, simple response...

That would weird me out I would have to call it quits.

tessie_id made her feelings clear...

I wouldn't just walk to the nearest excit, but RUN!! Get into my car and NEVER look back.


Why would you even want to continue to be with this person after that type of confession? You do not know what kind of demons that person is dealing with and how it will influence your relationship, not to mention what will go on if children are brought into the relationship. WHY on earth would you even consider putting children through something like that????


why why why????

snarky_muffin wrote...

I'd find out all the circumstances first, but more than likely I'd get the hell outta there.

The original poster was finally forced to add...

Hell no, no, no, no, and no.


I do not see it as ok, but I understand people make mistakes especially as teenagers. They teach us in high school that such relationships lead to physical defects especially if carried out over several generations. But given my own past mistakes, how can I hold someones mistakes against them? If I am asking someone I care about to overlook my own past how can I not overlook theirs?


It's a mistake, a big one, but if it's in the past how can i not forgive?

tater79  wrote...

I would break up with them immediately ..........the end

it's shows that they lack character, and shows that they have a different value system than I have.

some things are a no no.........and that is one of them

amargosa added, mixing the two definitions...

Incest is a troubling subject, but it happens, and it happens much more often than anyone wants to admit, just like adultery. 2 of my college professors specialized in incest, so I heard far more about it than I wanted to know. Some studies have shown that depending on what part of the country you are looking at, as many as 30% or even 40% have lost their virginity to either siblings or more distant relatives such as aunts and uncles and cousins. One of my closest friends lost his virginity to a 27 yr old aunt when he was twelve. No one wants to talk about it, but incest is definitely the 800 lb gorilla in America's living room.


My own ex-wife was raped by a 27 yr old cousin when she was 7. This continued until she was 14 and finally told him no. It was a problem in our marriage because I wanted her to come out with it and bust this guy. She refused, saying that it was a family thing that was done and over with and needed to be forgotten. It made me mad as hell. She even wanted us to be sociable with this guy and his wife. All I could see whenever I looked at him was a pedophile that I wanted to kill. I have made sure that my kids know about him and they never let my grandkids anywhere near him.

I'd 'be very interested in YOUR thoughts and experiences on this. You can leave a comment below, even anonymously.

It is discussions like that one which scare people from coming out of the closet, even to someone which whom they are supposedly having an intimate relationship. The stigma against consanguineous exploration and consanguinamory hardly creates an atmosphere for rational discussion.


Here's what I'd advise to someone who has what seems like a good, promising relationship with someone who shares such information with them:

Listen with a open mind and friendly ear. Don't condemn.

Ask open-ended, nonjudgmental questions that will help you determine if this was an attack or mutual exploration/recreation/lovemaking.

If this was an attack (assault, coercion, molestation,) was this person a victim or a perpetrator? It should be obvious that if someone has preyed on another person, especially a child, the circumstances under which you should have a relationship would be very limited. With victims, there are certain things you'll need to keep in mind as the person was likely traumatized and will likely still be experiencing the effects, having some impact on your relationship. As noted by amargosa, some victims do not protect others from predators; once you know someone is a predator, you should never allow them contact with children.

If it was consensual, it is a very different story, but can still have an impact on your relationship. If, after educating yourself through websites like this one, you still can't accept it and thus carry on a healthy relationship, it is best to let that person go rather than harbor negative feelings towards them. If you can accept it, you need to figure out if it really did end and if so, why it ended. Otherwise, you'd have to be a rare polyamorous person who could handle it still going on or possibly happening again. Consanguinamorous bonds can be extremely strong, and even if they fight like cats and dogs, some such lovers are never satisfied with anyone else.

*I got this email on March 19, 2013:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN....

I CAME ACROSS YOUR SITE AFTER LOOKING UP PAST POSTS I HAD MADE ON DATEHOOKUP.COM.  AND I WAS QUITE SUPRISED THAT "YOU" ON YOUR SITE HAD USED MY NAME, MY POSTS IN THE FORUMS, AND EVEN A LINK TO MY PROFILE.

 ALL WITHOUT ANY PERMISSION FROM ME WHAT SO EVER!

I WANT IT REMOVED IMEDIATELY OR I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SUE, AS YOU "DO NOT" HAVE MY PERMISSION TO USE ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY ASSOCIATED WITH ME, MY POSTS, MY NAME, OR MY PICTURES!!!

I complied, even though I doubt this person has a legal leg to stand on. When you have a public profile in a public forum, and you write something in that public forum, it isn't illegal to quote from you or link to your profile.

Posted in: boundaries,brother-sister,coming out,consanguineous,incest,myths,prejudice,siblings,stigma